Jon • Catelyn

Jon wears gloves to hide his burned hand. He should wear one shiny glove like Michael Jackson, because they have so much in common already. Both had troubled childhoods, both are kind of emo, and both were ambivalent about being black. Gloved Jon finds Sam in the library cracked out on books. Sam has finally found his calling. I bet he can't wait to drop some cartography knowledge in the training yard. Some kid will knock Sam on his butt during sword practice and Sam will be like, "Yo fool, back in 1694 the Redwyne ranger scouted Lorn Point to Frozen Shore. Bitch."

The Watch is preparing to mass and go north to find Benjen, but Sam is worried that they will never return. Jon is confident that a few hundred ex-cons can fight the magical undead. Jon and Sam visit LC Mormont who is a cranky but funny old guy. There's some confusing history with lots of names. Cliffnotes: Aemon could've been king but actually turned it down because he made a vow. It was probably a good decision, as every king we've read about thus far has died in some horrible way. Mormont tells Jon all this because at some point Jon will have to make the same about keeping his vows. Jon promises to never break them, partly because he fancies himself honorable and partly because he a virgin and doesn't know what he's missing.

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Robb's a king now and is busy drafting a peace treaty. He makes all these demands but refusing to give up the only thing the Lannisters truly care about -- Jaime. While Robb is reciting terms, the Greatjon is apparently stuck in the last chapter of Game of Thrones because he can't stop yelling "THE KING IN THE NORTH!!" repeatedly. Anyway, much of Robb's badass northern army doesn't like this peacemaking. They'd lose it completely if they knew that Cat wants to take it a step further and trade Jaime for her two daughters. Come on Cat, you're a northern woman, and Jaime's family executed your husband. Robb should wait until it's dark and "accidentally" release Grey Wind into Jaime's cell. The next morning he can tell Cat it was an accident while secretly fist-bumping Lord Karstark.

Robb's clearly annoyed at Cat's nagging, so she leaves him to visit her dying father. She learns from her brother the Blackfish that the Riverlands are a chaotic mess. War, death, brutality, and GREGOR are everywhere. Robb has no options against Tywin, who sits in the Fort Knox of castles, Harrenhal, while another Lannister army grows back at Lion City. Cat and Brynden think their only hope lies in asking Renly for help, but I have a better solution.

"Looking 2 buy dragon

Reply to: THEKINGOFWINTER@coldmail.com

Wanted: 1 dragon. must be able to fly.

Offering: 1 direwolf, mint condition. not afraid of men.

Location: Riverrun

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests"

Robb should just post that and wait for xXxpRiNcEsSDaNy13XxX to respond. She can afford to trade, because while she has three magical dragons, she has zero magical wolves. However, going by rarity, a dragon is worth more than a direwolf -- exactly 1.33 times more. Plus the shipping for a wolf is probably greater. I can imagine Robb eagerly waiting for delivery then being super disappointed at the tiny dragon. Be more thorough in your product description Robb, you gullible newbie. Naturally, Cat would leave negative feedback. "Bad seller... dragon 2 small 2 carry son."

Catelyn • Daenerys

Catelyn seems to be keeping it together quite well despite Ned's death. She has a few words with her father, who inquires about Lysa and her uncle Blackfish. Why isn't Cat grieving more? Maybe she knows that she's free now to reunite with the love of her life and taker of her virginity: Littlefinger. They must have called him Petyr the Pimp, because he was organizing threesomes with highborn daughters when he was barely pubescent.

Robb and his bannermen have different ideas about what to do now that Renly crowned himself. Several of his men want to march and fight immediately, but the scared Frey guy wants to give Jaime back to Tywin and hug it out with the Lannisters. If I was that Karstark guy, I'd have beheaded that pussy Frey right there. Catelyn also argues for peace, but did she really think that these badass vikings would suddenly want to negotiate with GREGOR or Tywin just days after their sons died fighting them? Cat's "peace" is just another bad idea in a long, sad history of bad Cat ideas.

Fortunately, another solution presents itself. The northern lords are all proud guys. They don't like being subservient and they don't like taking orders, especially from a young boy. But winning battles is like miracle tonic -- it cures pride, ambition, and even dead sons. Much like the BCS, one simply cannot can't argue with an undefeated record. Everyone decides to collectively hop onto the giant, snowballing, wolf-shaped bandwagon that is Robb Stark. They all yell "The King in the North!" really enthusiastically, except Maege Mormont, who due to senility yells "The King of Winter!" Aw, nice try Maege, almost. Thus the North and Riverlands declare their independence, which is basically a gigantic "fuck you" to every single southern house, especially the Lannisters. But are the wussy southern knights really going to come up north and forcibly take the frozen tundra back? Maybe GREGOR will, but the rest of those pussies? I doubt it.

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I was waiting for Dany's chapters to intersect more than just tangentially with the main storyline, and it never happened. Now we're at the last chapter, and I'm still not sure what the point of this whole ordeal was. Dany has learned some tough life lessons from the Princess School of Grim Realities (other students: Sansa). She is finally making decisions for herself, rebuffing Jorah's suggestion that they run away to Asshair (basically perv Jorah's attempt at kidnapping her). Don't get into his pedo van, Dany! Walk away! Ultimately, it all seems for nothing, because Dany has gone insane. She's prepping for a huge, ritualistic Drogo funeral pyre. Well, at least MMD gets what's coming to her.

While the fire rages on, Dany decides to walk through it with her dragon eggs. Once she started to do this it was pretty clear what was going to happen. She wanted a dragon omlette, with extra Khal and a side order of naked princess and a slab of well done evil sorceress steak. Instead, she "gives birth" to three living, breathing dragons -- one white, one black, and one hispanic. It's on now -- the dragons are back, and their owner is pissed. The Seven Kingdoms are so fucked.

Catelyn • Daenerys

Catelyn witnesses Stark-vs-Lannister Round 2. She remembers how she only knew Eddard for two weeks before he left for war, but that was enough time to knock her up. She has all those motherly fears of Robb dying, but she really shouldn't worry. Robb has grown a beard now, and bearded men are harder to spot and even harder to see. Robb will need it -- he's sneaking up on Jaime Lannister, who has no idea that he's coming thanks to the Seven Kingdom's version of a cell phone jammer (archers shooting birds down). I don't know why Cat is so worried. Win or lose, Robb will survive. He has a gigantic supernatural wolf protecting him.

The battle is a success, and the Starks have captured Jaime Lannister. But he's just a reckless sister-fucker. The real challenge is Tywin, who remains at large, like a child molester loose in the woods. Still, Robb beat half the Lannister army and can probably get Eddard back, as Cersei would almost certainly trade for her brother. This battle also proves that other than GREGOR, the southern knights really suck. The badass northern bearded viking men may be non-knighted, illiterate, and stubborn, but they know how to fight. Winterfell! Woooo!

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Drogo is dying thanks to MMD's poison. It's painfully clear to the bloodriders and even half-retarded Drogo himself that the maegi is bad news, but Dany is a dumbass and still doesn't realize. She even calls for MMD to treat the Khal after he fell from his horse, which is apparently the biggest Dothraki signal of doom and death. Its like an Irishman dropping his mug or a Chinese kid forgetting his multiplication tables -- when it's over, you just know.

Dr. Jorah shows up and diagnoses in five seconds that Drogo is as good as dead. Jorah advises that they flee and hide in Asshair. The bloodriders get pissed and start smacking a Duur, but Dani stops them because, well, she's an idiot. Dany is starting to panic, because once Drogo dies, the bloodriders will turn on them. Incredibly, through massive, incomprehensible stupidity, Dany decides that their best shot is to let MMD perform another dark ritual. Yes, that's right -- she's essentially letting Drogo's poisoner finish the job. Jorah should just bitchslap Dany and take control, but instead he fights the bloodriders so that MMD can finish her crazy incantation. Then Dany goes into labor, and her stupidity was so great that it became contagious, infecting Jorah and her handmaids. They decide to bring Dany to MMD, because who better to deliver a baby than a clinically insane demon sorceress?

Catelyn • Jon

Walder Frey is the Hugh Hefner of the Seven Kingdoms. He's old, he has many wives, he's slow, and everyone operates on his time. His castle is called "the Twins," presumably due to his love of boobs. I'm calling it right now, once the war is over, Lord Frey is going to start up the first major porn magazine, rated NC-8. That's right, children under the age of eight won't be able to read it -- the harshest, most stringent rating ever given in Westeros. Question: What's the best way to cross the Twins? Answer: a motorboat. Haha.

Lord Hefner has quite an ego, taking a page from George Foreman's book and naming all his sons after himself. He wisecracks that Catelyn just wants to get him alone because she has "designs on his fidelity," and makes her jump through all the requisite hoops to make him feel big and important. It seems Walder and Hoster are not the best of friends, and in the only measuring stick that matters (number of sons), Cat's father simply doesn't have enough. Walder Frey must be a medical marvel to be able to still make sons at the age of ninety, and he is unimpressed by just about everything. But in the end, all it took to secure safe passage was a marriage pact between Robb and one of Walder's many daughters. Just like that, the northern host crosses the equator. To the south lies lions, battles, and Robb Stark's first real test.

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Jon hears that Robb is marching south, and that the rest of his half-family is either preparing for battle or already captured. Jon relives his battle with zombie Othor at night when he dreams about the undead corpse with Eddard's features, and during the day when he endures the pain of his burned and bandaged arm. It must be quite "hard" for him, to forswear women and also lose usage of his right hand. But Emo Jon doesn't return, because the Lord Commander gives him House Mormont's prize Valyrian steel sword "Longclaw." It was meant for Jorah but we all know he's kind of a loser, so Jon gets it instead. While a flamethrower would be more useful, the sword is an awesome, well-deserved gift. Jon's friends are impressed and clearly jealous, but then again they never had to fight zombies. Sam even had a greatsword named "Heartsbane" once. But rearrage that name and you get "he eats Bran," so Jon shouldn't let Sam near his little brother. At least not when Sam is hungry.

Jon goes to MC Aemon, and they have a heart to heart chat about decisions. You see, MC Aemon isn't just a blind man. He's the brother or uncle or whatever of the Targaryen kings that Robert hates. He's the Master Emo that even Jon can respect -- Aemon went from royalty and dragons to books and ravens without making even one blog post. And he says its Jon's decision to make; to stay or go. I think he'll stay. How much help could one extra bastard sword be anyway?

Daenerys • Catelyn • Tyrion

I decided to do three chapters because not much happens in the Dany chapter, and the other two are also better summarized if read together. That and they are filled with a ton of names and locations and military tactics that I don't really understand.

Dany has been trying to get Khal Drogo to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, but he's not interested because they'd have to cross a huge sea. The Rock would sink to the bottom of the ocean and horses can't drink seawater. Dany goes to the Western Market, where someone tries to assassinate her with poisoned wine. Jorah saves her, but only because he's operating on threat level midnight -- he knows an attempt is coming. Afterward, Dany tries to make a dragon egg omelette by cooking them in the fire, but they don't hatch. However, the assassination attempt pisses off Khal Drogo enough for him to declare war on the Seven Kingdoms. Watch out Westeros, the Dothraki are coming!

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Catelyn arrives at Robb's camp. She quickly realizes that her son is leading this gigantic army to war, and he's just this fifteen-year-old who is brave but extremely inexperienced. She then tells him that if he loses, there's no hope for any of the Starks -- his father and sisters would forever be captives and they would spend the rest of their days in a Lannister dungeon. But hey, no pressure. The rest of the chapter is spent discussing military tactics and appointing commanders. I only recognize the Greatjon and Karstarks, the rest of the northern bannermen are unfamiliar to me. Robb doesn't seem very confident in his decisions, and that doesn't bode well for his chances, no matter how badass his army may be.

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Tyrion finally returns with his mountain clansmen in tow. Tyrion discusses military tactics with his father Tywin and his uncle Kevan. After reading Martin's description of Tywin, I can't shake the picture of a bearded Captain Picard / Professor X. The guy is never phased, and seems to be completely in control of any situation, even when the clansmen busted in on their meeting. Tywin speaks with such supreme confidence, its easy to feel bad for the Starks. It seems like Robb is in for a rude awakening now that he's playing with the big boys.

Catelyn • Jon

Catelyn is upset that Lysa consented to Tyrion's trial by combat. Arresting Tyrion was a huge gamble, resulting in the death of several of Winterfell men, Eddard’s injury, and near war with the Lannisters. Now, it might all be for nothing because of Lysa’s stubbornness and stupidity. Also, isn’t Tyrion on trial for two separate crimes? Shouldn’t he have to go through two trials to fully vindicate himself from Jon Arryn’s death and the attempt on Bran? Does this TBC completely clear him of all charges? If that’s the case, Tyrion might as well commit a few more murders before the TBC starts.

Lysa and her knights seem quite sure Ser Vardis will win, since LeBronn went straight from high school to sellsword, skipping Knight College. However, men that fight for money are usually (a) very good at fighting and (b) very self-interested. While Bronn is obviously doing this to score points with Tyrion, he’s not going to throw away his life recklessly. Obviously Bronn thinks he will beat Vardis, or he wouldn’t have volunteered.

After wearing out the older and dumber Vardis, Bronn wins the TBC. Tyrion is innocent! Little Robert Arryn, who grows more annoying every chapter, freaks out and wants to execute Tyrion anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the rulers of the Vale: a weak, breast milk sucking kid with no sense of justice, and a fat, paranoid, stupid widow who falsely accuses people of murder. Because the gods judged Tyrion innocent, Lysa is forced to allow him and Bronn to leave the Eyrie. However, she has them take the mountain clan infested high road. Tyrion doesn’t seem to mind, probably because anything is better than being chucked off a cliff.

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Jon Snow and his merry men are finally out from under Ser Alliser’s boot. The guest speaker at their graduation is Ser Alliser himself, who inspires them with motivational truths like “when the winter comes you will die like flies.” They have become brothers of the Night’s Watch, and now officially can’t own lands or have sex. The only person who is still in training from their group is Sam, who will no longer benefits from Jon's friendship and protection.

Jon's worried that pedo Thorne will start the Sam-spankings again, so he asks Maester Aemon if Sam can graduate anyway, arguing that Sam’s skills at math and reading are far better suited for a steward than for a ranger. Naturally, this doesn’t sit well with Aemon’s current steward Chett, who is as ugly as Sam is fat. The Night’s Watch should really have an admissions office that determines specialization for the new recruits. For example, the thieves should not be put in charge of the treasury, the rapists should not be near women, and fat softies like Sam should be given some sort of desk job. Then again, maybe we shouldn’t expect that level of efficiency from the guys who thought it’d be a good idea to build a 700-foot wall that’s only used once every thousand years.

Catelyn • Eddard

After a perilous journey, Catelyn finally arrives at the Vale of Arryn. Her sister’s castle has more levels of security than Fort Knox, and is an acrophobic nightmare of cracking spiral steps, narrow windy bridges, and sickeningly steep ascents. It takes Catelyn days to reach the top, ironically guided by bastard girl Mya Stone. When Catelyn has a vertigo freeze up on the mountain crossing, Mya was there to help her. See Cat? Bastards aren’t all evil. I predict in a few chapters, Martin is going to reveal that Cat herself is a bastard, and we’re going to get one of those great “Noooooooo!” screams.

Catelyn chats with her uncle Brynden the Blackfish, who to my great disappointment is not actually black. After some more climbing, she finally meets her sister at the Eyrie. To quote Martin, Lysa Tully has become “thick of body” and “pale of face,” which is a nice way of saying she’s a fatty who never leaves the house. Martin must have realized the lack of creepiness in this chapter, because everything was totally normal until Lysa suddenly whips out a boob for her six year old son to suck on. In the wake of Jon Arryn’s death, Lysa has become a paranoid, overprotective, crazy woman. Traumatic family incidents tend to do that to people. Just ask Catelyn, who kidnapped the son of a powerful house for a crime he didn’t commit. Ladies and gentlemen, the Tullys: no incest, but horrifically bad decision making nonetheless.

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We see the consequences of Cat’s action immediately. Jaime Lannister confronts Eddard and Littlefinger outside a brothel, and he’s quite pissed about Tyrion’s disappearance. If Eddard was clever, he’d say “Mr. Lannister, I do not know the whereabouts of your brother, but I might have more information in a few hours, when I will have more than two guys with me.” Instead, Eddard predictably answers “Of course I arrested that stupid dwarf,” which results in a very one-sided fight, a very broken leg, and a very dead Jory.

The shit really hit the fan this chapter. I wonder what Jaime’s reasoning was behind wounding Eddard and killing his men. I doubt it would actually help Tyrion, because when Catelyn hears about this, the poor dwarf is going to get tortured even more. If that’s the case, why didn’t Jaime capture Ned and trade him for Tyrion later? Because he’s Jaime Lannister, man of action, whose strongest trait was never thoughtful planning. The Starks and Lannisters are now at each other's throats, just like Varys predicted.

Catelyn • Sansa

Catelyn and Ser Rod travel north in secret. They are prissy high society folks, so they risk staying at an inn instead of camping by the road. It’s not a five star place, but it’s completely filled due to all the travelers going to King’s Landing for the tournament. The inn has a deafening dinner bell, a shoe polishing kid, and singers that solicit for money. Catelyn and Roddy were inconspicuously minding their own business when Tyrion suddenly walks in. The annoying singer draws his attention, and Tyrion quickly recognizes Cat. Since this is Catelyn’s old neighborhood, everyone knows that she is the daughter of the most important lord in the area. So when she asks for help arresting Tyrion, everyone draws their swords. 

I hope Tyrion kept the receipt for that cripple-saddle. He’s very unlucky to have picked this particular inn. Why would he so readily greet Catelyn if he sent the assassin? It seems even more likely that Jaime and Cersei moved against Bran and set up their brother to take the fall. Is Cat really just going to take him back to Winterfell and execute him? Before she does that she should send a raven to Jon Snow with a letter that reads “I arrested your dwarf friend, he’s going on trial for murder. It should have been you.” 

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Last time in Sansa’s first chapter, Martin cleverly disguised her inherent boringness by having Arya and Joffrey drive the action. This time, she attends a tournament where dozens of new characters are introduced. At this rate, the third Sansa chapter will be set in the middle of circus, battle, or hurricane. We see all the action at the Hand's Tourney through Sansa's eyes. She observes that the southern knights look better, and they seem to joust better too, as Jory is the only northerner to make it out of the first round. Who cares about jousting anyway? Everyone knows that wolf-raising, midnight ranging, and deserter executing are far more useful skills.

Because Sandor’s burned face and nonchalant murders aren’t scary enough, we meet his brother Gregor, who is armed with even more size, strength, and brutality. He even has a more goon-ish name. Martin should always write his name in caps. GREGOR. Both Cleganes make the final four of the tournament, along with Jaime and the “Knight of Flowers” Loras Tyrell, who gives a red rose to Sansa. She’s instantly smitten by his metrosexual charm, but the moment is ruined by weirdo pedo Littlefinger. He creepily introduces himself and strokes her face, but stops short of asking for a lock of hair or some toenail clippings.

Sansa is happy because Joffrey is nice to her during dinner. Joffrey predicts Loras will lose to Sandor or Jaime, and that when he is old enough he’ll win all the jousts, assuming Arya never enters. At the end of the night, drunk Sandor takes Sansa home, and they share an intimate moment -- if intimate moment actually meant terrifying therapy session. Sandor has some serious issues, but opens up and reveals to his new shrink Sansa that his face was burned by his brother. In a refreshing take on doctor-patient confidentiality, Sandor threatens Sansa with death if she ever reveals what he said. 

PS -- can you imagine a Gregor POV? “Sandor take Gregor toy Gregor burn Sandor head.”

Catelyn • Jon

Usually knights are shiny and chivalrous, but in Martin's universe, they shave their beards because of accumulated seasickness barf. Ser Rodrik seems like the perfect bodyguard who takes many precautions to keep Catelyn safe on their journey to King's Landing, but then you remember that just a few chapters ago he didn't think of posting a guard outside Bran's room. Come on Rod, you're better than that.

When Catelyn finally arrives at the city, she is greeted by her childhood friend Littlefinger, who has overcome several social disadvantages to climb quite high on the political ladder. Though he still harbors unrequited feelings for Catelyn, his personal history and his obvious Napoleon complex gives him plenty of reasons to dislike the Starks. Where Littlefinger is mysterious and clever, Varys is deceptive and scary. He's the Westeros KGB. He has an almost child-like demeanor, but the one asset he possesses --information -- is so important to everyone that he could be more powerful than the King. This contrasts quite sharply with Vary’s very fragile, very dickless exterior.

Varys knows that Bran is in a coma and that Catelyn is in King’s Landing. Varys knows exactly when she arrived and where she is hiding. Varys knows why she carries a dagger and that it originally belonged to Tyrion. Varys knows what you are thinking before you do. Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know. Varys was on the grassy knoll with Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot, watching the final episode of Lost which explains everything. Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows.

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Jon whines some more about his bastardness, about Benjen, and about Alliser Thorne. He whines about Night’s Watch comrades and that it's cold near the Wall. Never mind that it was his choice to come here despite his uncle’s warning. Jon has had it so rough growing up with kickass royal siblings in a giant castle with a Lord as a father. Jon must feel so misunderstood and alone despite his supremely loyal supernatural pet direwolf who is unconditionally devoted to him. Poor Jon Snow. It's amazing he has endured such a hard life.

The sons of famers and miners are no match for Jon’s combination of sword skills and emo rage. Before Jon makes too many enemies, Donal Noye verbally beats the pretentious emoness right out of him. Jon starts to realize that when the snow hits the fan, it won't matter if your mother was a whore or if you can beat down some big kid named Grenn. Jon bonds with Tyrion some more while a bird arrives from Winterfell. Tyrion incorrectly assumes that his super expensive and recognizable dagger man succeeded in whacking Bran, but it’s actually news that Bran woke up. Jon is so happy that he extends an olive branch to Grenn. When Thorne makes fun of them, Jon fires back with his “I’d love to see Ghost juggle” zinger. Alliser is not amused, probably because he didn't get the joke. It's funny because wolves normally can’t juggle.

Catelyn • Sansa

Catelyn is spending all her time in Bran’s room and fears that he might die at any moment. Her absence has taken its toll on Robb and Rickon. I understand her concern, but ignoring the mental health of her other children is more irresponsible than leaving Bran’s side. She can’t control his condition, so there's no need to be there. However, her irrationality saves Bran's life, because the Lannisters send an assassin to kill him. Catelyn slows the guy down long enough for Bran’s wolf to take him out. I thought the direwolves were still pups, but apparently they are strong enough now to rip out throats. The Starks are starting to see that the direwolves are special, but I wonder if Catelyn realizes that in this analogy, she's the big dead mom wolf in the snow with an antler in her throat. The traumatic event shocked Catelyn back to her senses, and now she's headed to King's Landing in search of the truth.

It was dumb of Jaime to give his goon a super expensive identifiable knife -- he might as well have written "rich people want coma boy silenced" in big neon lights. It's not surprising that Jaime or Cersei would try something so reckless and stupid. They call Jaime the "Kingslayer" but so far he's failed twice at killing a helpless seven-year-old boy. What happens when he has something difficult to kill?
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Sansa gets her own chapter! I know that Eddard and Catelyn need to have their own chapters to narrate events through adult eyes in the middle of the main storylines, but I'm not sure if a Sansa POV would be interesting or necessary. Thus far she seems like the typical highborn girl, and her boringness is emphasized even more by how different Arya acts. Sansa is obsessed with Joffrey, looks down on Jon, and is embarrassed by Arya. You can't really blame her, because young girls brought up in such an environment typically only care about boys and social status. Even though this chapter is told through Sansa, Arya is the one who drives the action. I thought it was ironic that Sansa actually asked Catelyn if Arya was a bastard, because it really should be the other way around. Sansa is the only Stark child who doesn't act like a Stark.

Sansa is so excited about her date with Joffrey that it makes her completely change her viewpoint on horseback riding. Joffrey initially is very chivalrous, protecting her from the Hound and that scary Payne guy, but when they encounter Arya sparring with a peasant friend, Joffrey turns into a pompous jerk. One thing leads to another and Arya hilariously beats him up with Nymeria's help. Afterward, Sansa is horrified and tries to comfort the injured prince, but he's not having it. Sansa's dream of being a queen in a big castle is crumbling right before her eyes.

Catelyn • Arya

Catelyn has her own personal spa in Winterfell's hot springs, but Eddard rarely joins her because he is the personification of winter, right down to his business-like performance in bed. We learn a bit about Lord Stark''s history and why he's so serious: it's hard to smile when your sister, father, and brother are all dead before their time. Ned sounds like he really needs a vacation. He needs to enjoy his southern hottie wife and badass children, especially after a long day's work of executing deserters and refraining from laughing.

Via secret letter, we learn that Queen Lannister murdered Jon Arryn. I had to look up who this guy was in the appendix*. Lord Arryn was the former King's Hand, and thus his death is why King Bob came north to offer the position to Ned. To get to the bottom of the murder, Ned decides to accept the King's offer. Eddard also decrees that Catelyn must stay in the north. How many Jon and Jane Snows will he bring back with him this time? His affair makes sense though, because someone who is so intense and emotionless all the time must be prone to sudden and major lapses in discipline. Without this flaw, I would have predicted that Martin would soon reveal that Eddard Stark is actually a robot. Ned decides to take his daughters to court, while Robb and Bran stay at Winterfell with Catelyn and Jon Snow goes north to fight Zombie Waymar.

Lastly, we learn that Catelyn hates Jon Snow, and it's hard to blame her. Jon is a constant symbol of her husband's unfaithfulness, he's got an annoying matyr complex, and he makes friends with ugly Lannisters while getting drunk at Winterfell social events.

* I laughed out loud when I saw that the Arryn motto is "as high as honor" and they have a bastard girl named "Mya Stoned".
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Arya's chapter is easily my favorite so far. Her personality is perceptive and hilarious, delivering several quality zingers throughout the chapter. She has some serious Ashlee Simpson-esque jealousy going on, but only because she is too young to see that her skills in math and horseback riding are far more awesome than Sansa's dancing, singing, and sewing. She named her wolf appropriately (Sansa named a wolf "Lady", what the hell), she treats Jon with respect, and she wants to go fight with the boys. I can't think of anything I dislike about her.

We also learn that Prince Joffrey predictably sucks at swordfighting and that he and his men are huge assholes. This doesn't bode well for Sansa, but it could be worse -- at least he isn't a gigantic Khal three times her age or an over-the-hill King who is still in love with a dead girl. Ned and Catelyn seem to have the only healthy, loving relationship, and even theirs is characterized by duty and adultery.

Cateyln • Daenerys

Catelyn is Eddard's wife, who used to live in a nice warm castle in the South where there were happy girly gardens. Instead, she married into a household where it snows during the summer and her backyard is straight out of Pan's Labyrinth. More Stark badassery: when Catelyn talks about how their three year old is fearful of his new wolf pet, and Eddard responds "then he must learn to face his fears." Apparently, the Starks are training Rickon to be Batman. Arya and Sansa are Eddard's daughters, and even though Jon mentioned they existed in the Bran chapter, I was still half expecting Martin to tell me in true Chuck Norris fact fashion that the Starks have no daughters, only sons.

We find out that the Other sighting is kind of a big deal, as they have never been seen for 8,000 years*. It could be a "those who see them are already dead" kind of deal, but Gared got away just fine, and could have told the story. Maybe nobody believed him. As for the rest of the chapter, I had a hard time focusing because there were simply too many names being thrown around. We learn that an old Lord who saved Eddard's life is dead, and his widow is Catelyn's sister. Also, King Robert is coming and he's bringing his Lannister in-laws, who are cowardly and come from the south (read: wussiness^2).

* 8,000 years? Really? Right now we're on year 2009 and we have the Internet and space shuttles while poor King Robert travels by covered wagon.
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I was terribly confused at the beginning of the next chapter. My first thought was that Dany was a Lannister, since she was described as a princess. Instead, she and her brother are far away in never never land, a place where it's okay to grab your underaged sister's boob and refer to yourself as a dragon. Viserys has decided, in his Dr. Evil-esque plot to conquer the world, to not marry his sister, instead choosing to sell her off to a guy who may or may not have a taste for "boys, horses, and sheep". Dany is predictably terrified when meeting this Khal Drogo, who I assume looks exactly like the Rock in The Scorpion King. Can you smell what the Khal is cooking? Statutory rape of your 13-year-old wife! Viserys wants his army though, and has no problems letting between one and forty thousand guys use his sister. Congratulations Martin, three chapters in and I already see why your series can only be made on HBO.

PS - Magister Illyrio has one of the best gangster (or rapper) names ever, and he's already in the business of human trafficking.