Sansa • Eddard

Sansa watched as the newly crowned King Joffrey read out the list of traitors, which included her parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, and a host of other names. Basically, it was a checklist of every cool character in the series, minus Tyrion and the Cleganes. Then he dismisses Ser Barristan from the Kingsguard and appoints Tywin and Jaime to high ranking positions. I know we're supposed to feel bad for this old guy, but Mr. Selmy really wasn't getting it done. Did the United States let whoever was protecting JFK guard the next President? Hell no. If I was Cersei I'd fire him too.

Sansa then begs for Joffrey to spare her father's life. Of course, had Sansa not been an idiot and divulged Eddard's plans to the Lannisters, Joffrey would be the one begging for mercy. Eddard will have to confess to the crime, something I doubt he'll do because of his rigid adherence to honor and duty. What a mess. Is Martin trying to make us hate women? Because Catelyn arrests the wrong guy, Cersei is a gigantic bitch, Sansa is a vapid traitor, and Lysa is literally insane. The only two likeable female characters are a trophy wife for The Rock and a preteen wild child who is basically a boy.

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Eddard is not having a fun time in the dungeons of King's Landing. He blames himself for failing Robert and for the horrible situation he's in. He lost to Cersei in a battle of wits. That's like losing to Sam in swordfighting or GREGOR in chess. It should have been like taking candy from a baby. Eddard becomes delusional, talking to himself and dreaming about the good old days, when he wasn't locked up in a windowless room for being a traitor to his best friend. He remembered the time Jaime was inducted into the Kingsguard (lol bad decision, Aerys) and when Pimp Rhaegar dissed his own wife for Lyanna.

Varys comes in and tells Eddard about all the mistakes he made: his decision to warn Cersei, his refusal of Renly's offer, and not listening to Littlefinger's advice. Varys tells Eddard what he should do: swallow his pride, confess to treason, and be granted mercy by the Lannisters. If Eddard can do that, he'll be sent to the wall. Not a great fate, because we all know Eddard loves his whores and property rights, but it's still better than being dead. What's Vary's stake in all this? Why, he's just serving the realm... and trying to save his own ass. If Eddard can't do it for himself, then he should do it for his daughter. Varys then offers Eddard a choice -- does he want the next visitor to bring him milk of poppy for the pain, or bring him his daughter's head?

To me, neither of those two choices sound so bad. Of course, I'm kidding. I don't actually want Sansa dead. Not because she had good intentions, or that she didn't know any better, or that a largely innocent young girl doesn't deserve such a fate. I don't want Sansa dead because living out her days as Joffrey's wife and Cersei's daughter-in-law is a far worse fate than death.

Jon • Eddard

Lord Commander Mormont speaks at Jon’s graduation from lowly trainee to prestigious black brother. Thanks to Jon, Sam is graduating with them, on the way to becoming a steward. Jon watches as his friends join the rangers, only to have his name called to be a steward as well. Suddenly, Emo Jon is back, and oh how we’ve missed his tantrums, martyrdom, and superiority complex. Jon looks ready to put on his black eyeliner and blog about his woes, but Sam tells him that by making him his personal aide, LC Mormont is actually grooming Jon to be his heir. Jon says he never asked for this, but I’m sure he never asked to be a bastard either. You don’t always get what you want, Jon. Plus, being Mormont’s bitch is like being a Supreme Court clerk: you gain a ton of subtle power and experience in exchange for waiting hand and foot for some old guy. Grooming Jon makes perfect sense from Mormont’s standpoint: Jon has all the positives of a highborn upbringing and none of the Waymar Royce pretentious douchebaggery.

Jon and Sam say their vows and become official Night’s Watchmen. I must admit the NW oath is pretty badass, complete with epic words and powerful sayings. The vows better be awesome if you’re forswearing women and personal property for the rest of your life. They are about to head back when Ghost finds something in the snow. It’s a hand. Not Jon Arryn, or Eddard, but a real, human hand. Did they just find Uncle Benjen?

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Eddard slowly makes preparations to seize power from Joffrey. He presents to the council King Bob’s dying wish to make him the “Protector of the Realm,” but Cersei simply rips up the royal decree. Both sides tensely face each other, and Eddard calmly tells the city watch to arrest the Lannisters. Instead, they kill Eddard’s men, because that double crossing Benedict Arnold slippery snake Littlefinger betrayed him! Poor Fat Tom, speared through the chest without warning.

Eddard may be surprised, but there’s no way his plan could have worked. He warned Cersei days in advance, refused Lord Renly’s offer of help, and put all his trust into the man who has a lot of reasons to dislike Starks. Littlefinger was almost killed by Eddard’s brother, loves Eddard’s wife, and creepily stalks Eddard’s daughter. What makes Ned think that this guy was going to be loyal to him? Plus, LF is all about the bottom line dollar-wise, and House Lannister is by far the richest family. Tyrion said it best to Bronn: the Starks are not made for this type of stuff. They can be honorable and dutiful and extremely badass, but they suck horribly at being deceitful or cunning. You want the Starks on your side when you play football, not chess.

Daenerys • Eddard

Dany is busy eating a horse heart, because if she doesn't, her fetus will be born weak, deformed, or (GASP) female. She manages to finish the entire heart and keeps it down, much to the satisfaction of the Dothraki crones. They proclaim that her kid will be the "the stallion that mounts the world." Dany will be so proud, since not everyone's son gets to be a gigantic horse that humps planet earth. She names him Rhaego, a cross between her brother Rhaegar and her husband Drogo. Rhaego is the Dothraki version of Darth Vader, destined to fulfill some crazy prophecy.

While this is going on, Viserys is frequenting the local markets, getting wasted on wine. He finally shows up at the ceremony, but he's drunk and carrying a sword. It's forbidden to have steel in Vaes Dothrak, so obviously Viserys built a time machine and returned with a plastic sword, because nobody would be so stupid as to directly defy the law of a vicious, war-centered race who wouldn't hesitate at all to kill an annoying beggar king. Viserys then draws the sword, waves it around, and threatens Dany's kid. Yes, the same kid who the Dothraki see as their future planet humping, prophecy fulfilling, Darth man-horse. This is obviously not a smart thing to do, but Viserys was never the smartest of men. In response, Drogo calmly kills him by pouring molten metal over his head. Finally, douche Viserys gets whats coming to him, and Dany severs the last binding tie to her old way of life.

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Robert is dying, gored by a boar during his hunting trip. This is far too convenient timing, and I subscribe to the Varys-hinted theory that the Lannisters were behind it. Before Bob dies, he names Eddard protector of the realm, very similar to what that old emperor did in Gladiator. Eddard doesn't want the throne, and that's why "it must be him." King Bob's decision isn't going to sit well with the Lannisters, and Ned will probably be enslaved and forced to fight in the Colosseum for the amusement of the King's Landing mob. Then he'll reveal his identity as Eddard Stark, Warden of the North, Lord of Winterfell, Hand of the King, loyal servant to the true King, Robert Baratheon; father to a crippled son, husband to a boring wife, and he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

On his deathbed, Robert makes Eddard promise to take care of his children. Ned can't bring himself to tell Bob the truth about his kids, so he silently thinks of all of Robert's true children, scattered around the realm. Can you imagine Catelyn's face when Eddard brings back ten more bastards to take care of, even if they aren't his?

Eddard plans to crown King Bob's eldest brother Stannis, beacuse Joffrey isn't his true heir. Robert's younger brother Renly offers his help to grab power by capturing Cersei's kids, but that is too dishonorable for Eddard. Let me repeat that: it's too dishonorable to temporarily capture the kids of a woman who not only has kids with her brother but also attempts to kill crippled, comatose children. Littlefinger suggests a different plan, recommending that they make peace with the Lannisters, bide their time, and reveal the incest later on. Eddard can't stomach playing nice with the Lannisters, because they killed Jory and tried to kill Bran. However, Eddard isn't stupid: he knows he needs more swords than he has, so he arranges with Littlefinger to purchase the City Watch's support, just in case.

Sansa • Eddard

Sansa is puzzled that her father sent the "too old" 22-year-old Beric Dondarrion instead of Loras to deal with GREGOR, explaining to her friend Jeyne that Eddard's injured leg was probably impairing his decision making. No you stupid girl, the reason he didn't send Loras was because GREGOR would absolutely destroy pretty boy. Sansa needs to learn that in a fairy tale, the hero may slay the monster and marry the princess, but in real life, being eight feet tall, angry, and ridiculously strong easily trumps magical flower powers. In addition, Sansa still has no idea that pedo Littlefinger is only nice to her because he wants to proxy-fuck Catelyn by getting into Cat's daughter's pants.

Amazingly, Sansa is still in love with Joffrey, conveniently forgetting that his family executed her pet, attempted to assassinate her brother, and killed several of her household guard after severely wounding her father. She reasons that it wouldn't be fair to blame Joffrey for something his uncle Jaime did, because that would be like "blaming Sansa for Arya's actions," conveniently ignoring that Cersei did exactly this a few chapters ago. Sansa gets into yet another argument with Arya about Mycah's death, prompting Arya to nail her in the face with an orange, adding yet another badass skill (throwing accuracy +10 points) to Arya's growing list of badass skills. Unable to cope with Arya's awesomeness, Sansa retreats to her room, where Eddard informs his daughters that they will be sent back to Winterfell. The two girls finally agree on something: they love King's Landing, albeit for vastly different reasons. Sansa is in full fledged teen freak out mode now that she won't be marrying Joffrey, her dreams of being queen crumbling right before her eyes.

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I feel pretty stupid that I didn't see that Joffrey, Myrcella, and Tommen were products of incest. In retrospect it seems so obvious. George mentioned hair color a dozen times and kept calling them "lions," but the most obvious clue was that they all acted like prissy, pretentious jerks. Now that Eddard knows the big secret that the previous Hand died for, he just needs to wait until Robert gets back to smash some Lannisters. Instead, Eddard decides that it's a good idea to tell Cersei that he knows her secret. Since there's no poison lying around and no window to push Eddard through, Cersei admits to the whole thing. We also learn that Robert and Cersei don't have the healthiest of marriages. They barely ever have sex, and in the rare instances they do, Bob is always drunk. Once, he even called Cersei "Lyanna" in bed (hahahaha).

Cersei then busts out her version of the Godfather offer: don't tell anyone and I'll have sex with you. Eddard's response:

Eddard says, "Did you make the same offer to Jon Arryn?"

She slapped him.

"I shall wear that as a badge of honor," Ned said dryly.

Somewhere in the King's Landing, the sun is shining bright; the knights are jousting somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light, and somewhere wolves are howling, and the treasury is broke; but there's shock in the godswood -- Eddard Stark has cracked a joke.

Cersei doesn't think it's funny, and hits Ned below the belt, making fun of his bastard son. If I had three kids with my brother, I'd probably refrain from making fun of the pedigree of other peoples' kids. Also, if I was Hand and I found out the secret that got the previous Hand killed, I wouldn't warn the person that did the killing.

Tyrion • Eddard

Tyrion and Bronn attempt to sneak by all the mountain clansmen that harassed them on their way into the Vale. From their banter you can tell there’s no genuine love between these two, who travel beside one another for necessity and mutual benefit. Tyrion lets Bronn know that the Lannisters are a bottomless pit of gold, and will always match the price of anyone trying out-bid them. This also explains the reason why Tyrion paid Mord even though he hated him: to show Bronn that Lannisters are good for whatever debt is owed. Tyrion doesn’t want Bronn to have any doubts about getting paid when they reach wherever they are going.

However, despite the quid-pro-quo atmosphere, the two do bond a little. Tyrion tells Bronn about his first love, a story that puts Sam Tarly’s childhood to shame. His father Lord Tywin had a whore pretend to fall for Tyrion to teach him a lesson, and makes him watch as an entire barracks of soldiers screw her. Tywin then makes Tyrion do her one last time, which gains his son closure, newfound wisdom, and a dozen STDs. It was a good deal for his fake whore wife though, as she probably made out like a bandit. Martin can check off "gang bangs" and "virgin dwarf sex" in his list of deviant sexual practices that appear in this series. I am half scared and half curious as to what’s next on that list.

Tyrion decides not to hide from the mountain clans, lighting up a fire and openly roasting a goat. Sure enough, the mountain clansmen arrive and seem ready to kill them. But Tyrion makes an offer to their Scandinavian chief Gunthor: allow them safe passage, and Tyrion will give them the Vale of Arryn. I wonder how he plans to do that, given the imPREGnable defenses. Maybe Tyrion will buy it from Lysa?

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Eddard sits on the throne, listening to the village folk’s tales of brutal attacks by well-equipped brigands. They identify GREGOR as the leader, ordered by the Lannisters to terrorize the Riverlands villagers. A bunch of Lords and Sers that I do not recognize are pissed about this, and Eddard appeases them by sending an army of knights to deal with it. What can they really do though? Can’t GREGOR just demand trial by combat? Who would fight him? Loras tries to be a badass by volunteering for the job, but Eddard denies him, probably for his own good. Eddard really should have sent Loras, because you never know when a jousting tournament or a trial-by-jousting could break out.

This chapter is disappointing because nothing really happens. All the men of action like King Bob and Jaime are out of the city, leaving wet blanket Eddard to sit on the throne. Boring!

Tyrion • Eddard

The "sky cells" are probably the most horrifying yet awesome thing about the Eyrie. Instead of a prison wall, it has an open 600 foot drop with a slightly slanted floor. and the floor is slightly slanted -- feel free to escape. I love how Martin uses language, culture, and land features to greatly distinguish each geographical area in Westeros. The Vale is straight out of the 1960's: their motto is "high as honor," their bastards are stoners, and everything about their castles, from the vertigo-inducing journey to the wall-less cells, makes the entire ordeal seem like one gigantic acid trip. This includes the breast milk chugging sickly child lord and the fat, illiterate jailer named Mord, who I desperately wish had his own POV. "Not give angry dwarf-man beans today. Tomorrow, also not give beans."

Tyrion isn't the most humble prisoner, and his sharp tongue provokes Lysa into throwing him in a sky cell. Tyrion gets out by faking a confession and instead demanding a trial. Unfortunately, crazy little Robert Arryn is the judge, which means nine times out of ten, people are chucked out the moon door regardless of guilt or innocence. But Tyrion has one last trick up his sleeve, demanding trial by combat. Apparently, TBC means you or your champion fights one-on-one with someone, and your fate is decided based on the results of the fight. It doesn't matter whether you committed the crime or how many people saw you do it. Does this mean that GREGOR basically can never be found guilty of a crime? If he gets accused of anything, he can just demand trial by combat, kill one guy, and he's free? Does it really work this way? Murder someone? Trial by combat. Rob a bank? Trial by combat. Parking ticket? Trial by combat. It's essentially a perpetual, personalized get GREGOR out of jail free card.

When Tyrion requests TBC, Lysa and her knights laugh, because he's the anti-GREGOR: small, clever, and non-threatening. Despite Tyrion's vast battle experience consisting of somersaulting off roofs, fork dueling master-at-arms, and axing mountain clansmen, he clearly is no match for one of Lysa's knights. Tyrion may not even be fit to fight, having eaten nothing for the past few days due to Mord's bean dumping. Lysa believes she has him cornered because his first choice champion is miles away in King's Landing, doing more important things like Hand-crippling and sister-screwing. However, Tyrion's new BFF Bronn steps up to be his champion.

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Eddard is comatose due to his broken leg, and dreams about his past rescue of Lyanna. I'm sure it's a nice dream and these characters are all very compelling, but I just want to know what happens in King's Landing after Jaime jumped Eddard outside the brothel. After the fight, Jaime fled the city, and everyone now knows that Catelyn captured Tyrion. Cersei is insulted that the Starks would dare arrest a Lannister, even though she and Jaime are responsible for pushing Bran out a window and subsequently sending an assassin to kill him. How dare Eddard "attack" Jaime while returning "drunk from a brothel." Getting wasted and violently attacking a rival house does not sound like an ordinary Eddard Stark Wednesday night. Much like the Arya-Joffrey incident, it is very clear who is telling the truth.

Cersei continues ranting about Robert's his bromance with Eddard, suggesting that Bob should be the one wearing skirts. She might actually be right, as a skirt would be more comfortable for fat guy who outgrew his armor. Instead of taking her fashion advice, Bob snaps and backhands her across the face. Applying Cersei's own logic, how dare she attack his hand with her face? Eddard reiterates his desire to quit, but Robert commands him to stay as Hand. Why does Bob insist Eddard be Hand if he never listens to his advice? Still, the position has its perks -- you get front row tickets to Robert "honoring" Cersei.

Catelyn • Eddard

After a perilous journey, Catelyn finally arrives at the Vale of Arryn. Her sister’s castle has more levels of security than Fort Knox, and is an acrophobic nightmare of cracking spiral steps, narrow windy bridges, and sickeningly steep ascents. It takes Catelyn days to reach the top, ironically guided by bastard girl Mya Stone. When Catelyn has a vertigo freeze up on the mountain crossing, Mya was there to help her. See Cat? Bastards aren’t all evil. I predict in a few chapters, Martin is going to reveal that Cat herself is a bastard, and we’re going to get one of those great “Noooooooo!” screams.

Catelyn chats with her uncle Brynden the Blackfish, who to my great disappointment is not actually black. After some more climbing, she finally meets her sister at the Eyrie. To quote Martin, Lysa Tully has become “thick of body” and “pale of face,” which is a nice way of saying she’s a fatty who never leaves the house. Martin must have realized the lack of creepiness in this chapter, because everything was totally normal until Lysa suddenly whips out a boob for her six year old son to suck on. In the wake of Jon Arryn’s death, Lysa has become a paranoid, overprotective, crazy woman. Traumatic family incidents tend to do that to people. Just ask Catelyn, who kidnapped the son of a powerful house for a crime he didn’t commit. Ladies and gentlemen, the Tullys: no incest, but horrifically bad decision making nonetheless.

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We see the consequences of Cat’s action immediately. Jaime Lannister confronts Eddard and Littlefinger outside a brothel, and he’s quite pissed about Tyrion’s disappearance. If Eddard was clever, he’d say “Mr. Lannister, I do not know the whereabouts of your brother, but I might have more information in a few hours, when I will have more than two guys with me.” Instead, Eddard predictably answers “Of course I arrested that stupid dwarf,” which results in a very one-sided fight, a very broken leg, and a very dead Jory.

The shit really hit the fan this chapter. I wonder what Jaime’s reasoning was behind wounding Eddard and killing his men. I doubt it would actually help Tyrion, because when Catelyn hears about this, the poor dwarf is going to get tortured even more. If that’s the case, why didn’t Jaime capture Ned and trade him for Tyrion later? Because he’s Jaime Lannister, man of action, whose strongest trait was never thoughtful planning. The Starks and Lannisters are now at each other's throats, just like Varys predicted.

Arya • Eddard

Syrio told Arya to chase cats all day. This seems like very obvious foreshadowing, so maybe Catelyn gets kidnapped in the mountains and Arya has to find her. Arya had just caught the Moby Dick of cats, the infamous black tom, when she suddenly sees Prince Tommen and Princess Myrcella having sex. Before Arya could hide, Myrcella spots her. Tommen says “the things I do for love” and pushes Arya out the window. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf was howling. Crows circled the Red Keep, waiting for corn.

Myrcella, Tommen, and their guards, being typical pompous highborn assholes, mistake Arya for a beggar and collectively look down on her. Arya panics and escapes via waterdancing, but quickly gets lost in the castle. This allows her to overhear a conversation between two mysterious men, with topics ranging from Dany being pregnant to the possible assassination of her father. One of the men is Varys, because he talks about obtaining fifty more magical CIA surveillance birds. I have no idea about the other guy, but he is also familiar with King’s Landing politics. From the names they mentioned in the conversation, the other guy cannot be Eddard, Stannis, Lysa, Loras, Littlefinger, Tyrion, Tywin, or Jaime. I believe this guy is the mastermind in the game of thrones. Everyone else is just a pawn. Based on exhaustive analysis, I have concluded that this man is GREGOR.

Eventually Arya finds her way back but Eddard does not believe her story, even though Arya doesn't seem like the type to just lie and make stuff up. In other words, she’s not Sansa. Listen to your wise and awesome daughter, you stupid Hand.

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Jorah the mole reports that Dany married The Rock and is pregnant with Rhaegar 2.0. Führer Bob has a final solution to the Targaryen problem, but Eddard protests because he feels squeamish about killing children. Even though Eddard admirably champions his principles, when it comes to the Targaryens, Robert is as difficult to budge ideologically as he is physically. Bob has a point, because letting Dany and her son live would be taking a stupid, unnecessary risk. The council agrees and begins discussing possible assassination methods. Robert doesn't want to poison her, because it would be too cowardly. So there exists some sort of courage scale in King Bob's head where "poisoning" ranks lower than "killing the unborn child of a teenage girl."

Child murder proves to be the deal breaker for Eddard, who resigns his position as Hand. The bromance between Ned and Bob is over. Eddard came south, picked up the pieces to a huge, confusing puzzle, and failed miserably at putting it together. Now, he's finally free. The Starks are headed back north, where they will arrive at Winterfell happy and rested. Eddard will discover that Catelyn and Jon have also returned, and have grown to love each other like only a mother and an illegitimate bastard son of a nother woman can. There's no violence or fighting. It's just one big happy family reunion.

Clash of Kings and Storm of Swords are just very, very misleading titles.

Eddard • Tyrion

Eddard watches Sandor beat Jaime in the tourney semifinals, much to the delight of Sansa the dog whisperer. Before the second match we get some juicy Gregor back story. Basically, the dude is a cross between Hulk and Satan. He's extremely large, strong, and angry. He kills infants, rapes princesses, and burns faces. Everything around him dies in mysterious fashion, including his wife, his father, and his sister. Despite his evilness, Gregor is also a hilarious, over the top character that deserves his own television show. It would be awesome if there was a reality show that followed Gregor around during common rage scenarios, like waiting in line at the post office or getting stuck in traffic. Or maybe a talk show like Oprah or Geraldo except titled GREGOR, where every day one unlucky guest is brutally beaten to death.

Gregor’s opponent is Loras, who is basically a jousting boy band singer, complete with gem-encrusted clothing and a sleek, effeminate body. He’s the Leonardo DiCaprio of knights, hated by guys and loved by teen girls. Fortunately for him, it seems like 99% of females in Martin’s book are under the age of eighteen, so his Q-rating is through the roof. The match seems like David versus Goliath, except this time David has a mare in heat instead of a slingshot and stone. Loras uses his horse’s smelly vagina to drive Gregor’s stallion into a horny frenzy, winning him the joust. Gregor does not like being tricked, because GREGOR SMASH. But Sandor surprisingly steps in to save the kid from an imminent Gregor-induced death, and Loras concedes the finals as a thank you.

Later that night Varys secretly visits Eddard to tell him of the Lannister plot to assassinate King Bob during the melee. Eddard talks Robert out of participating, but Cersei and her cronies will try again. It’s up to Eddard to save King Bob and take down the evil Lannisters, but he has no idea what to do. Robert continues to be dumb and clueless -- he couldn’t save Jon Arryn and can’t really help Eddard now.

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Tyrion is very unlucky. He’s been hanging out at the freezing cold wall, and on his way back he gets arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. On their way to the Vale, Tyrion repeatedly tries to convince everyone that he was not behind the attempt on Bran. We learn that he would never bet against his family so he couldn’t have won the dagger, and that Littlefinger is a big selfish liar. How to get your dream girl: (1) lose to her future husband in single combat, (2) boast about taking her virginity, and (3) creepily touch her daughter. Bullet-proof plan, Petyr.

The journey is filled with rough terrain, horse eating, and dangerous mountain clans. They are attacked, and Tyrion surprisingly fares quite well in his first battle, probably because he is the perfect height to club a guy in the balls. After they win, Bronn proclaims that Tyrion needs a woman, because there's “nothing like a woman after a man’s been blooded.” Tyrion should totally proposition Cat for a quickie, though for her to agree, she’d have to be super drunk, have amnesia, and pick up a dwarf fetish. No harm in trying though. Will Cat eventually be convinced of Tyrion’s innocence? What’s going to happen to Tyrion once they reach their destination? If I wanted to frame Tyrion, I’d send another assassin, armed with another one of Tyrion’s super recognizable daggers, only this time to the Vale to try to kill Lysa’s son. That’d probably clinch it.

Jon • Eddard

A new recruit suddenly appears in the practice yard. Everyone stops to stare because he's fat and rich. Samwell Tarly is also weak, cowardly, and insecure. His lord father disowned him for being such a huge wuss, and gave him a choice between taking the black and having a hunting accident. Randyll Tarly then calmly ripped the still bleeding heart out of a freshly killed deer. I take back everything I said about Southerners -- sometimes, they can be just as hardcore as the Starks.

Unsurprisingly, Fat Sam sucks at sword fighting. Ser Alliser sees an opportunity to indulge his sexual deviancy and has Halder spank Sam with a sword. Jon steps in to defend Sam, and later forms a pact with the other boys to protect him, much to the dismay of their now flaccid master-at-arms. Jon had taken Donal and Benjen’s advice to heart: Sam may be fat and pathetic, but he is still a member of the watch, and one of the few black brothers who isn't a rapist or thief.* At the end of the chapter, Jon wonders where his missing uncle went. My guess would be Benjen is busy helping Waymar reanimate dead wildlings. 

* out of context, this sounds ridiculously racist 

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The big tournament brings many knights and whores to King's Landing. With them comes crime, conflict, and an appealing array of new smells. But it’s not all wasted money, as the Super Bowl-like atmosphere stimulates not only the whores but the entire economy of the city. Eddard doesn't like tourneys or brothels -- he would much rather execute deserters or stand solemnly in the cold. Maybe King Bob should reconsider his choice for the Hand position, because Ned isn't doing so well. Here’s a list of job titles, can you guess the ones that are well-suited for Eddard Stark? 1) High school principal, 2) prison warden, 3) late night talk show host, 4) pimp, 5) Hand of the King.

Eddard is investigating Jon Arryn’s death, which leads him to a blacksmith’s apprentice named Gendry. Eddard discovers that this boy is King Bob’s bastard son. “Gentry” means highborn or aristocrat, and while Martin probably chuckled at the wordplay, even Robert wouldn’t be so stupid when naming his secret kid. So Lord Arryn was about to discover and probably reveal that King Bob wasn’t faithful to Cersei, and the Lannisters whacked him before he could? Eddard’s thick, manly eyebrows furrow as he attempts to parse through all the mystery and political intrigue.

Bran • Eddard

Bran whines a lot, but it’s justified because he can’t walk. When will he not be entitled to complain anymore? According to the Eventual Mitigation of Severe Tragedy Formula Union (EMOSTFU), the grace period for a tragic event is equal to twice the amount of time you lived without the tragedy. Thus, in Bran’s case, it's two times however long he possessed the ability to walk. Assuming all Stark children could walk the instant they were born, Bran can whine until he’s at least twenty-one. That's a long time. Crap. 

He’s also a jerk to Old Nan, which is definitely not justified. She’s just trying to help and advise him by telling him about the Others. Thus far, 100% of people who have ignored wise old advice have been turned to zombies, so Bran should really pay attention. Instead, he's interrupted by Tyrion’s arrival. Despite Tyrion’s handicapped saddle gift, the direwolves still hate him. Gee, I wonder why. Tyrion is lucky that Bran doesn’t remember who pushed him, or else he wouldn’t leave Winterfell alive. 

At the end of the chapter, Robb and Bran share an intimate, non-homosexual non-incest moment, showing that their parents’ absence is taking its toll on all of them. Come on guys, get a grip. Starks don’t cry. Besides, this is the north, where tears freeze before they reach your beard.

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Eddard is investigating the circumstances of Lord Arryn’s death. Why did Cersei want him dead? Is the Grand Maester in on it? These questions are far too nuanced and complex. Eddard, with all his duty, honor, and hard work, is built more for straightforward problem solving. He’s a firefighter, not a detective, whereas Littlefinger is an investment banker, Robert a washed up football player, Cersei a trophy wife, Varys a CIA director, Pycelle an elite French chess player, and Joffrey the spoiled rich kid who will one day get his comeuppance. 

Eddard sees Arya practicing hard at “dancing” before he’s summoned by Littlefinger, who leaks to him the identities of several informants who keep tabs on him. It’s like Eddard is peering down the rabbit hole of King’s Landing politics and finally realizing that he is way out of his depth. This place operates on an entirely different set of rules, the most important being “trust no one.” A wise man once said, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the council meeting, you are the sucker. 

Eddard • Tyrion

Eddard has his first council meeting and learns that the treasury is bankrupt due to Robert's lavish spending, presumably on fatty foods. Afterwards, Littlefinger leads him to a secret rendezvous with Catelyn. Thinking Littlefinger was just stringing him along, Eddard almost punches him, but Ser Rod sans barf beard appears to confirm that Cat was there. Did Eddard really think Littlefinger took him to a secret passage that led outside the castle, then down a rock cliff, then on horseback to a brothel just to set up a one liner "your wife is inside" joke?

Littlefinger delivers zinger after zinger, taking nothing seriously apart from his feelings for Catelyn. He shrugs off the huge royal debt, suggests that Eddard fondle some breasts, and sarcastically golf claps when Eddard first recognizes Catelyn. I was disappointed that Littlefinger didn't ask about Jon, and that Eddard didn't politely request some time alone with Catelyn. Come on dude, it's been a while since you've last seen your wife, and you're already in a brothel. Eddard should have done it just to see look on LF's face.

After hearing Catelyn's story about the assassin and how Bran's wolf saved both their lives, Eddard suddenly realizes that he probably shouldn't have killed Sansa’s wolf. Littlefinger suggests that they just pretend the super recognizable Tyrion knife doesn't exist, but Eddard is too proud and too righteous to forget about something of this magnitude, even if it’s in his own best interest. The Lannisters had enough power and influence in King’s Landing to murder the previous last Hand, so Ned will ultimately hang his hopes on the King. However, Robert is politically inept and disinterested, allowing his council to run the kingdom while he requests another party.
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The Night’s Watch is such a raw deal. You can’t own land, you can't have sex, your brothers are the dregs of society, and the guy training you is Alliser Thorne, an anal, humorless, tool of a man. Predictably, Tyrion mocks him so badly that Thorne is forced to leave the dining hall, much to the delight of the others. After dinner, the Lord Commander pleads with Tyrion to convince the King to send more men. Mormont continues on about abominable snow men sightings, missing uncles, and mountain people fleeing, but Tyrion doesn’t take him seriously. Maintaining the Wall is like paying for asteroid insurance -- it guards against a disaster that happens so infrequently that it’s easy to forget about it or dismiss it. Robert isn’t going to send men and resources when he can't even pay his own debts.

Before Tyrion departs, Jon gives him a few messages to deliver to Robb, Rickon, and Bran. Didn’t Tyrion recently try to whack Bran? It would be supremely stupid to return to Winterfell. Either Tyrion thinks the Starks don’t know it was him, or Jaime and Cersei acted without his knowledge.

Eddard • Bran

A wise man once said, "thou shalt not lie, for the Queen shall kill thy pet direwolf." Perverse karmic justice is served when Lady is executed as a direct result of Sansa’s actions. The significance is obvious: Sansa ceased being a Stark in spirit when she chose Joffrey over her family, and her symbolic connection with "northness" was fully severed with Lady's death. If Arya-vs-Joffrey was a character test for Sansa, she failed in every way possible way. She betrayed her sister, lied to her father, and upset her future husband and family. Even though she did Joffrey a favor by lying, all she received in return was her innocent wolf’s corpse.

After you strip away all the royal titles and family pride, this was just kids getting into a stupid fight and receiving with a few scars and bruises. It's not like Arya pushed Joffrey off a window ledge or sent an assassin to kill him in his sleep. Despite this, Robert lets Cersei have her way because he was too cowardly and lazy to argue with her. Even though Robert is king, his life still sucks tremendously. He’s in love with a dead girl, his son is a wuss and a jackass, and his wife would rather sleep with her brother. Also, supernatural ghost men invade from the north and the Scorpion King raises an army across the sea. Lastly, he’s become embarrassingly overweight. Robert’s going to be the first king who commits suicide out of depression.

I have two final thoughts about this chapter. First, the Hound is a pretty badass cowboy with his “he ran, but not very fast” line. Second, I can't believe Martin killed off one of the direwolves so early in the book, because I felt very attached to them already. When it was revealed that Mycah was in the body bag and not Nymeria, I was relieved and happy. Repeat: I was happy that an innocent child was murdered instead of a guilty pet wolf.

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I spent an inordinate amount of time and words on that last chapter because there’s hardly anything to say about the next one because it's six pages of Bran tripping out on LSD, where he converses with a three-eyed crow and possesses the power of flight. Then he wakes up names his wolf “Summer,” when “Fall” is clearly the more appropriate name, as it signals winter is coming and conveniently summarizes why he’s crippled.

Eddard • Tyrion

If I needed someone to throw a bachelor party, Khal Drogo would be my first choice, Tyrion Lannister second, and Eddard Stark dead last. Robert is having his midlife crisis -- he just wants to bang a tavern wench or assassinate a dragon, and Eddard keeps shooting him down. Snow and hardship made Lord Stark stoic and wise, but it also turned him into a wet blanket. If Robert wants to kill kids, let him. In Martin’s world, kids are treated like adults -- Jon gave a kid a sword, Drogo married one, and Jaime pushed one off a ledge.

Eddard disagrees with a lot of what Robert says and does, and would rather be back in Winterfell. Instead, he’s trudging south with a caravan composed of people he can’t trust and a King who won’t listen. It sucks, but it could be worse -- at least he’s not Jon Arryn.
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Tyrion suffers through the bone chilling trip to the Wall, and stops to read about dragonbone. I had thought Viserys and Dany were calling themselves “dragons” metaphorically -- I didn't know that dragons actually existed. Perhaps my surprise was a result of the distinct lack of wizards and magic so far in these books. Sure there are mythical creatures, like the Others or the direwolves, but a flying, fire-breathing dragon seems out of place right now in the universe Martin has created. Usually, most fantasy stories have some sort of wizard throwing lightning bolts by now.

Tyrion and Jon bond some more. I like that Martin wrote these two with such noticeable, important flaws. Every character has flaws, but unlike Robert who can stop eating cupcakes or Cersei who can stop doing her brother, Tyrion and Jon cannot choose to stop being a dwarf or a bastard. Tyrion chose to go north, and he seems far more like a Stark than a Lannister. He and Sansa should just switch families.

Eddard • Jon

We finally learn the significance of the antler-in-wolf from the first Bran chapter: the stag is the symbol of the King's house. Ruh roh, scary foreshadowing detected. In this chapter, Bob Baratheon finally arrives. He has let himself go a bit, and I don't blame him. If I had just won a kingdom I'd take it easy too. We learn a bit more about geography: Eddard's lands are huge, scarcely populated, and largely inhospitable. King Bob raves about the south, where it's girls gone wild fat drunk party 24/7 and there's a distinct lack of executions, frostbite, and undead ghosts.

Bob makes a beeline for Winterfell's #1 attraction: the crypts, where the love of his life is buried. Lyanna must have been smoking hot, because Bob won a kingdom for her and still pays his respects after nine long years. If only she was alive! Bob should just get one of those Others to "Waymar" her, problem solved. Robert ends up offering Ned the Vice King position, sealed by marriage between their kids. The last time Stark and Baratheon got married, the guy in power was overthrown, so maybe he should reconsider.

Despite the antler-in-wolf sign and the dead ancestor foreboding, I assume Ned accepts the position, because if he doesn't, the plot stops and the book ends. 700 pages left means the Starks are going south. Warm weather and naked chicks here we come! Wooo spring break!
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The next chapter opens with Jon Snow drinking away his problems. Predictably, the bastard does not like the pretentious royal Lannister kids. We learn that his direwolf Ghost is awesome, and that Jon wants to join the Night's Watch. Uncle Benjen tells him that with great power comes great responsibility -- the responsibility of not having sex, not owning lands, and fighting supernatural monsters. But Jon doesn't want to father bastards, and emo rages his way out of the hall.

Outside, he meets Lannister dwarf and Cirque du Soleil acrobat Tyrion, who makes some witty quips and gives him advice. Hopefully he gets Jon to stop taking his heredity so seriously, because nobody likes whiners. It's cool that Martin isn't making the Lannisters out to be wholly evil. I actually really like Tyrion -- his line about Jon's mother being "some woman, no doubt" was great.