Still Alive

I haven't died. I love Clash of Kings so far. But I have finals until the second week of May, and I just have no time to do anything outside of studying. After finals, I will try to do a lot of reading and blogging. Then I have to prep for the bar exam (ewww) in late July. Terrible, I know. I'm sorry. But from what my friends tell me, the HBO show isn't out until 2011 and Martin isn't done with Dance yet. So anyone that reads this series is used to waiting. I hope you all understand! I shall return in a few weeks. See you then.

Update: No new entries until August at the earliest, possibly even mid August, depending on how long it takes me to recover from the massive hangover I'll have after finishing the bar exam.

Starting Clash of Kings

I've started reading Clash of Kings. I was going to wait until summer, but instead decided to start now. Since I'm in school, the pace will be very slow. Very, very slow. Like Fat Sam running a marathon slow or Sansa taking the SAT slow. I may die of old age before I write the last entry. Don't worry though, if that happens, I'll have Brandon Sanderson finish the blog for me. That way you'll get three more blog entries and my blog gets triple the hits. Everybody wins.

It's been three months since I read the last book, and I had to study the appendix for quite a while to re-familiarize myself with some of the more minor characters. Here's my all-knowing, Varys-esque summary of the major POVs.

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Bran watched Jaime and Cersei have sex, got pushed out a window, and now can't walk. He has weird dreams and is boring. He has a wolf named "Summer." I know that's a girl's name, but the wolf is a dude and not girly at all.

Catelyn arrested Tyrion for attempting to whack Bran, which started a chain of events that ended in her husband's death. She's hanging out with her son Robb, the newly crowned "King of the North."

Daenerys was formerly a princess but was sold to The Rock in exchange for a large army. She lost her warlord husband and unborn son to dark magic, but managed to hatch some dragons.

Eddard went south to help his buddy Bob rule the kingdom, but due to his low political IQ, he failed miserably. He confessed to all these crimes he didn't commit... and got beheaded anyway.

Jon is the bastard author of the most popular emo blog in Westeros. He's at the Wall, adopting fat lordlings and protecting the realm from the magical dudes from the prologue.

Arya was training to be a Jedi but had to flee the castle when her father got arrested. She's on her way north with Yoren.

Tyrion narrowly escaped execution in the Vale. Now that his brother Jaime is captured, his father Tywin sent him to King's Landing to rule. Tyrion brings his whore, because that's how he rolls.

Sansa is the only Stark left in King's Landing. She's regularly abused by Joffrey and she doesn't escape because she's basically useless. The Hound has a crush on her, kind of like Beauty and the Beast. Only the Beast is a tall murderer with a burned face and Beauty is a vapid preteen.

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Warning: spoilers for Game of Thrones above. My first post with the Clash of Kings prologue and first chapter will come soon.

Clash of Kings and What's Next

When I started this blog I thought it'd be easy to just zip through the books and write my thoughts on each chapter. Unfortunately it's not like that. My experience with this series has become more and more dominated by the writing of entries rather than just reading chapters. It'd be nice to just read without having to stop and write each time, even though I will really enjoy rereading this blog. I've also returned to school, and I simply don't have the time or energy to continue regularly updating this blog beyond a snails pace.

Thus, this blog is on hiatus. I won't be posting new entries for Clash of Kings -- I won't even be reading the book. Once break comes around, when I'm refreshed and have some more time, I'll probably pick it up again. Some of you may ask, "how can you wait so long to find out what happens??" Well, I confess there were moments in Game when I really just wanted to zip through it. But this blog has really made me a rather patient and meticulous person -- I was never more than one or two chapters ahead of where I was writing. Its surprisingly easy to stop here and not pick up Clash, especially knowing this series isn't completed yet.

Thanks to everyone for reading (and sending me feedback emails), without you I wouldn't have finished this blog. When I started, I never thought I'd get so many readers and comments on every entry. I hope you guys come back when I start this up again.

Game of Thrones Disney Awards

The anti-Martin universe has to be the world of Disney movies. There are very clearly drawn good and bad guys. There's no rape, murder, incest, or blood. The main character always lives and there's always a happy ending. So what better way to summarize this book than through a Disney-inspired award show?

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The "Pinocchio" Award for Most Incompetent Liar

Eddard Stark. He could not be more horrible at playing the Game of Thrones. Eddard is that guy who throws rock forty times in a row. Could you imagine him playing poker? "Cersei, I am going to bluff you next hand."

The "Sebastian-Iago" Award for Annoying Talkative Animal

Mormont's raven. Seriously, shut up. We get it, you repeat what people say.

The "Fantasia" Award for Trippy Sequence

Bran's crow dream. This kid would make a killing selling that weed. Plus there's no way cops would pat down a cripple.

The "Dumbo" Award for Useful Facial Deformity

The Hound's burned face. Nobody fucks with him.

The "Bambi" Award for Most Traumatic Childhood

Bran Stark, by a mile. He witnesses an execution, watches incest, gets pushed out a window, becomes crippled, is held hostage by criminals, parts with everyone in his family, gives up on his childhood dreams to become a knight, and has creepy crow nightmares.

The "Cinderella" Award for Clock Striking Midnight

Sansa, when she realized life isn't a song. Imagine Cinderella retold in King's Landing. Joffrey meets his dream girl at the tournament ball. After charming her, he has the Kingsguard beat her. When she escapes at midnight, he searches the entire village for the girl with a black eye.

The "Alice in Wonderland" Award for Overwhelmed Character

Eddard Stark. It's exactly like the Alice story, only if Alice was actually beheaded at the end.

The "Peter Pan" Award for Never Growing Up

Rickon Stark. He's already four years old and can't even swordfight yet. However, he can speak with dead relatives, predict the future, and hangs out in underground crypts.

The "Snow White" Dwarf Sex Award

Obviously Tyrion. He's horny all the time. For a 1930's movie, Snow White would make quite a porn film. A pure, innocent virgin lives with seven male dwarves -- you can't make up a more kinky scenario. Walt Disney was a closet pervert, and I'm convinced Martin is too. Top three names if Tyrion was a dwarf in Snow White? (1) Ugly, (2) Wealthy, (3) Horny.

The "Winnie the Pooh" Award for Jolly Stupid Fat Guy

King Robert Baratheon. The guy completely mails it in for his reign, even failing to realize his kids look nothing like him.

The "Little Mermaid" Award for Lack of Walking Ability

Bran. He's crippled. Also Othor. Disney should remake the movie and instead call it The Little Finger, an inspiring tale of a commoner who dreams of climbing the treacherous King's Landing social ladder to woo the woman he loves by creepily stalking her daughter.

The "Beauty and the Beast" Award for Deviant Sexual Fetish

Cersei and Jaime. Twincest is the best put your sister to the test. I wonder what Cersei would think if she saw her kids doing what she and Jaime did.

The "Jafar" Deceptive Wizard Award

Three way tie. First, Mirri Maz Duur for tricking Dany into letting her kill Drogo and Dany's son. Second, Varys for his seemingly magical (but really child labor powered) all-knowing capabilities. And last but not least, Littlefinger for his cunning manipulation of the City Watch, Eddard, and young Catelyn's panties.

The "Magic Carpet" Award for Craziest Escape

Arya channeling Barry Sanders and using Jedi mind tricks to escape the Lannisters. If the category was "craziest failed escape," it would go to Mycah, who would have to give a two-part acceptance speech. Rimshot.

The "Jasmine" Award for Hottest Princess

Tie, Cersei and Daenerys. I guess they both are technically queens, but I doubt anyone would care. Oh, and Maege Mormont. The senility makes it that much hotter.

The "Mufasa" Award for Parental Death

Eddard Stark. His son Robb just can't wait to be king.

The "Rafiki" Award for Weird Talking Old Master

Syrio Forel. I really hope he survived Ser Marilyn's attack, but knowing the brutality of Martin's universe, Arya will probably have to ID his severed head.

The "Pumbaa" Award for Best Wild Boar

John Wilkes Boar. Also known as the wild boar who snuck up behind Robert and gored his fat ass.

The "Pocahontas" Award for Worst Racial Stereotype

The Black Brothers. Because they are only comprised of bastards, rapists, murderers, and thieves.

The "Quasimoto" Award for Likable Yet Ugly Guy

Tyrion Lannister. He is so very awesome yet so very ugly. One day, he will find his Esmeralda, and hopefully she isn't a whore that his dad paid for.

The "Mulan" Award for Transgendered Individual

Two-way tie. Arya, for being so unlike her sister that everyone mistakes her for a boy. And Loras, for being so, so gay.

The "Genghis Khan" Award for Top 10 Biggest Badasses

10. Arya

9. Robb

8. Bronn

7. Littlefinger

6. Tywin

5. Direwolves

4. Syrio

3. Greatjon

2. Drogo

1. GREGOR

The "Happily Ever After" Award for Top 5 Happy Moments

5. Jaime gets captured

4. Robb wins over the Greatjon

3. Jon gives Arya "Needle"

2. King in the North!

1. Dragons sing

The "Wildebeast Stampede" Award for Top 5 Sad Moments

5. Lord Karstark's dead sons

4. Catelyn tells Jon "it should have been you"

3. Dany loses everything

2. Bran is chucked out a window

1. Arya watches Beheaddard

Game of Thrones Halftime Report

I felt it was necessary to write an entry with more generalized comments about the book that wouldn't fit in a standard two chapter entry, and also answer a few common questions that appear in the comments.

* I'm really enjoying the book thus far, and I'd like nothing more than to tear right through the rest of the book to find out what happens. However, when I started this blog, I made a promise to my friend (and myself) to see it through to the end. That means not reading ahead and completing entries on time. But those that worry that I don't love the book and won't finish, fear not, because as I said in my first post, if I've gotten this far, I'm in for the long haul.

* The relatively slow pace of blog posts is not because I don't want to read. As I said, I'd love to just blow through the rest of it. I can read very quickly. However, I'm reading this book differently because I write entries for it. It may hurt my first experience a bit, but after I'm done with the whole series, I'll probably be very happy that I did it this way. Also, there's a million characters in this book and many have multiple nicknames. I don't have the luxury of just shrugging my shoulders and reading on, because if I confuse characters, locations, or events, it's obvious to anyone reading the blog and doesn't make for good entries. Thus, I do a lot of appendix flipping, and often ask my friend to explain things in a non-spoiler way when I don't fully understand. For example, I was at page 300 before I realized Jaime was the Kingslayer.

* I don't read all the comments because I have an extreme fear of spoilers. I have someone who screens them and forwards me the ones that contain no spoilers. He errs on the side of caution, so I might not have read your comment even if you think it isn't spoiling anything.

* To those asking me to focus more on what's going on and make fewer jokes, I'll keep your suggestions in mind, but I can't really change how I write. I'm going to miss things (sometimes important things) and I'm also going to make silly jokes and stupid comments. This blog is as much for me as it is for anyone reading. I know that this book is over a decade old and has been discussed to death, so I'll leave the serious analysis to those that are better than me at it.

*For each book, I'll do one halftime post like this with general thoughts, and one big summary post when I finish.

I hope this clarifies (and reassures) a lot of those who posted comments. This blog already has far more readers than I expected, and I'm thankful for all the feedback. If you want to talk to me directly, feel free to email me at blogoficeandfire (gmail), but make sure you don't spoil anything, or I will hunt you down and kill you, Sandor style.

More Game of Thrones halftime bullets:

* If it wasn't clear already, my favorite POV thus far is Arya by a mile. She's hilarious and awesome and she's the mischevious little kid sister I wish I had. Also, she's basically been leveling up on Nu tech points ever since the Starks landed in King's Landing, and I am excited for what she'll learn next

* My least favorite POV would have been Sansa, but more than half the time she just watches Arya do stuff, so I don't really mind her chapters. Other than her, I find the Catelyn and Eddard chapters somewhat dull. I understand they are necessary for plot exposition, but those two don't have much personality. Even Eddard's super hardcore manly northness was worn away by the bureaucracy of the Hand desk job. I'd say the Bran chapters are kind of boring too, but the kid is already crippled there's no need to pile on him more.

* My favorite non-POV character is GREGOR, and as awful as this sounds, I wish George would cut him loose more. GREGOR rage is always entertaining. But rearrange the letters in "George R.R. Martin" and you get "Restrain Gregor." Free the beast, George. Free GREGOR.

* I also like Littlefinger, because he symbolizes the American dream: person of modest birth works hard and moves up in society, only to creepily stalk the underage daughter of the woman who spurned his advances years ago.

* I like Tyrion's chapters, but I don't sympathize with him. Yes, it sucks to be a dwarf, but I doubt he'd trade his smarts or wealth or powerful bloodline for average height. If you offered Tyrion the choice between being himself or being some dumbass knight, which would he choose?

* My favorite place is the Eyrie castle, despite it being the home of fat Lysa and her annoying kid. I like the Vale's wholehearted embrace of marijuana culture, calling their bastards Stoners and being "high as honor" on the high road. Lysa and little Rob Arryn seem to be heavy users, as the side effects of pot include increased risk of infertility (check), impaired judgment (check), paranoia (check), psychological dependence (check), and intense anxiety or panic attacks (check). They really shouldn't smoke up so much.

* Why are the heroes (the Starks) so dumb? Is it something in the northern air? Most of the decisions that Cat, Ned, Sansa, Jon, and Arya make have been ridiculously stupid. While Jon and Arya are receiving excellent guidance from their peers and teachers, Cat and Ned continue to make idiotic moves left and right.

That's it for now. I could probably go on forever, but this entry is long enough already. The pace of the blog updates should pick up over the next month, as I have less real-life commitments now that the holiday weekend is over. I'll try to post once every two days or so. I hope you guys are enjoying the blog and I look forward to the rest of the books!

Introduction

A friend introduced me to Martin after I expressed interest in the possible HBO series. I've never seen someone push a book onto me with such enthusiasm. I don't read much fantasy or sci-fi, but I did enjoy Lord of the Rings and Ender's Game. I am one of the few that has not yet read Harry Potter. I tried, I really did. The movies are good entertainment, but it was very hard for me to take those books seriously -- I felt a bit too old when reading them (I'm 25). From what I hear, Martin's series is the opposite of that, so I'm excited to read a book with more adultish, serious themes.

I have yet to read one chapter of Game of Thrones, but my friend encouraged me write about the experience. I thought that was a great idea, and much easier than being constantly pestered with "did you read any of it yet?" comments every day. She mentioned another blog (which coincidentally shared the same title as mine) whose writers stopped halfway through, so she made me promise that I would finish all of the books. I can't promise that, but if I make it through the first book, I am probably in it for the long haul.

My plan is to read one book per month or so and blog about the chapters I read. There's no guarantee that I stay on schedule or even finish, but a loose plan is better than no plan. I've done my best to stay away from spoilers, so please don't spoil anything for me. I will also rank my favorite characters and favorite quotes as the books progress. Hopefully this blog will be a great source of entertainment for fans of the series and will be a great memory for me if I finish this series.