Catelyn • Jon

Usually knights are shiny and chivalrous, but in Martin's universe, they shave their beards because of accumulated seasickness barf. Ser Rodrik seems like the perfect bodyguard who takes many precautions to keep Catelyn safe on their journey to King's Landing, but then you remember that just a few chapters ago he didn't think of posting a guard outside Bran's room. Come on Rod, you're better than that.

When Catelyn finally arrives at the city, she is greeted by her childhood friend Littlefinger, who has overcome several social disadvantages to climb quite high on the political ladder. Though he still harbors unrequited feelings for Catelyn, his personal history and his obvious Napoleon complex gives him plenty of reasons to dislike the Starks. Where Littlefinger is mysterious and clever, Varys is deceptive and scary. He's the Westeros KGB. He has an almost child-like demeanor, but the one asset he possesses --information -- is so important to everyone that he could be more powerful than the King. This contrasts quite sharply with Vary’s very fragile, very dickless exterior.

Varys knows that Bran is in a coma and that Catelyn is in King’s Landing. Varys knows exactly when she arrived and where she is hiding. Varys knows why she carries a dagger and that it originally belonged to Tyrion. Varys knows what you are thinking before you do. Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know. Varys was on the grassy knoll with Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot, watching the final episode of Lost which explains everything. Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows.

____________________

Jon whines some more about his bastardness, about Benjen, and about Alliser Thorne. He whines about Night’s Watch comrades and that it's cold near the Wall. Never mind that it was his choice to come here despite his uncle’s warning. Jon has had it so rough growing up with kickass royal siblings in a giant castle with a Lord as a father. Jon must feel so misunderstood and alone despite his supremely loyal supernatural pet direwolf who is unconditionally devoted to him. Poor Jon Snow. It's amazing he has endured such a hard life.

The sons of famers and miners are no match for Jon’s combination of sword skills and emo rage. Before Jon makes too many enemies, Donal Noye verbally beats the pretentious emoness right out of him. Jon starts to realize that when the snow hits the fan, it won't matter if your mother was a whore or if you can beat down some big kid named Grenn. Jon bonds with Tyrion some more while a bird arrives from Winterfell. Tyrion incorrectly assumes that his super expensive and recognizable dagger man succeeded in whacking Bran, but it’s actually news that Bran woke up. Jon is so happy that he extends an olive branch to Grenn. When Thorne makes fun of them, Jon fires back with his “I’d love to see Ghost juggle” zinger. Alliser is not amused, probably because he didn't get the joke. It's funny because wolves normally can’t juggle.