Catelyn • Jon

Walder Frey is the Hugh Hefner of the Seven Kingdoms. He's old, he has many wives, he's slow, and everyone operates on his time. His castle is called "the Twins," presumably due to his love of boobs. I'm calling it right now, once the war is over, Lord Frey is going to start up the first major porn magazine, rated NC-8. That's right, children under the age of eight won't be able to read it -- the harshest, most stringent rating ever given in Westeros. Question: What's the best way to cross the Twins? Answer: a motorboat. Haha.

Lord Hefner has quite an ego, taking a page from George Foreman's book and naming all his sons after himself. He wisecracks that Catelyn just wants to get him alone because she has "designs on his fidelity," and makes her jump through all the requisite hoops to make him feel big and important. It seems Walder and Hoster are not the best of friends, and in the only measuring stick that matters (number of sons), Cat's father simply doesn't have enough. Walder Frey must be a medical marvel to be able to still make sons at the age of ninety, and he is unimpressed by just about everything. But in the end, all it took to secure safe passage was a marriage pact between Robb and one of Walder's many daughters. Just like that, the northern host crosses the equator. To the south lies lions, battles, and Robb Stark's first real test.

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Jon hears that Robb is marching south, and that the rest of his half-family is either preparing for battle or already captured. Jon relives his battle with zombie Othor at night when he dreams about the undead corpse with Eddard's features, and during the day when he endures the pain of his burned and bandaged arm. It must be quite "hard" for him, to forswear women and also lose usage of his right hand. But Emo Jon doesn't return, because the Lord Commander gives him House Mormont's prize Valyrian steel sword "Longclaw." It was meant for Jorah but we all know he's kind of a loser, so Jon gets it instead. While a flamethrower would be more useful, the sword is an awesome, well-deserved gift. Jon's friends are impressed and clearly jealous, but then again they never had to fight zombies. Sam even had a greatsword named "Heartsbane" once. But rearrage that name and you get "he eats Bran," so Jon shouldn't let Sam near his little brother. At least not when Sam is hungry.

Jon goes to MC Aemon, and they have a heart to heart chat about decisions. You see, MC Aemon isn't just a blind man. He's the brother or uncle or whatever of the Targaryen kings that Robert hates. He's the Master Emo that even Jon can respect -- Aemon went from royalty and dragons to books and ravens without making even one blog post. And he says its Jon's decision to make; to stay or go. I think he'll stay. How much help could one extra bastard sword be anyway?