Monday, September 7, 2009

Tyrion • Jon

It's clear which of his kids Tywin likes best given his reaction to the news of Jaime's defeat. It's too bad his idiot daughter cut off the head of the only guy who could have been traded to get Jaime back. While Tywin stews, the Lannister war council reviews what happened at Riverrun. Basically Robb snuck up on Jaime while Tytos Blackwood "took them in the rear." Taken in the rear by some guy named Blackwood -- ouch. Tywin's little council is freaking out, even suggesting giving up. Perhaps Eddard will get his revenge sooner rather than later.

Also, Renly decided to declare himself King and Cersei wants Tywin's army to defend King's Landing. So Joffrey is the official king, but Robert has two brothers (Stannis and Renly) who both want to be king. Do they each have armies? Why don't they work together? Maybe they should have an election. Instead of dwelling on these questions, I focused on the much more important part of this chapter: GREGOR's new assignment of burning the river lands. I sense some kickass GREGOR SMASH action coming up soon. GREGOR even speaks in this chapter, suggesting that they cut the eyes out of every Lannister scout who failed to spot Robb's army. Blind scouts! I like it.

Tywin plans on sending Tyrion to King's Landing because Cersei and Joffrey "lurch from one folly to the next." You see Tyrion? Your father loves you. Or at least respects you enough to know your strengths... especially when his only other son is captured. Tywin gives Tyrion one last command: don't take the whore. It's actually good advice, because Tyrion seems to be falling head over heels for another pretty face who's clearly just after his wallet. But it seems like Shae's coming anyway. Tyrion is such a rebel, taking his personal whore when his father told him "no whores." Maybe he'll marry her, too.
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Jon's planning on going south to help his half-brother Robb. Despite all those heart-to-heart talks he had with Benjen, or that blacksmith guy, or Aemon, or LC Mormont, Jon still decided to break his vows to the Night's Watch. Jon reverts into full self-loathing mode, telling himself that he'll never be accepted anywhere. Look on the brightside Jon, you can own land now. And have sex now. Probably both, as one leads to the other. But if he gets caught, he'll end up headless like Eddard.

Fortunately for Jon, his friends show up and convince him to come back with a cheesy oath recitation. Jon returns, and it seems LC Mormont pulled a Varys, predicting that Jon would leave and then come back. Old Mormont gives Jon a stern, fatherly lecture: Jon should stay for a lot of reasons, but mainly because undead invasions are pretty bad. Mormont likes Jon because he realizes the power of giant magical wolves and all that superstitious stuff. Jon obeys, and vows he'll stay. Jon needs an agent, because he probably could've gotten Mormont to allow at least a little sex or land ownage. Not that it would really matter, since the NW is planning on marching north -- a plan that has "disaster" written all over it. Yes, let's take the handful of badly trained guys we have and leave the safety of our gigantic wall to fight supernatural zombies. That sounds like a great idea.

25 comments:

  1. Ooooo, epic stuff coming up next.

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  2. " Look on the brightside Jon, you can own land now. And have sex now. Probably both, as one leads to the other"

    Hilarious!!!!

    Good stuff! Love reading your writing.

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  3. Basically Robb snuck up on Jaime while Tytos Blackwood "took them in the rear." Taken in the rear by some guy named Blackwood -- ouch.


    ahaha

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  4. I agree! That was a bad call on Cersei's part. Freaking letting Ned's head get chopped off... slkdfhkjsdfh

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  5. "Taken in the rear by some guy named Blackwood -- ouch."

    It's almost like he was making TOO easy for you to make a quip on that one.

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  6. Joffrey was responisble for giving Ned the chop. no? Cersei and Varys tried to stop Ned's beheading?

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  7. Yes, it was Joff's order, carried out by Ilyn Payne and Janos Slynt.

    Cersei and Varys were all about sending him to the Wall, and Cersei I think even talks about it in Clash of Kings and even later, but Slynt is a moron and listened to the 13 year old Joff instead because he was King. Tyrion had to admonish Slynt for screwing that up.

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  8. Conan Stevens as GREGOR? Curious what Jason thinks also.

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  9. Just started reading this blog, read all the way from the start to now in one sitting.

    You're absolutley fucking hilarious! I've only just finished reading the books myself and found this trying to pass time for DoD.

    It's a brilliant and hilarious read, keep up the good work!

    GREGOR SMASH!

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  10. I like your blog, long time fan of the series. It's fun to watch a new reader's perspective.

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  11. IT'S ALL SANSA'S FAULT!

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  12. Heh, nice post. "Blackwood", heh. Like Asshai and GREGOR, I will never look at that name the same again. :)

    Just to clarify, they are describing a second battle. The first was the one Catelyn saw where Jaime was captured. The second is the one Tyrion hears about, where Robb smashed two of the three Lannister camps beseiging Riverrun.

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  13. I just read your blog straight through too and really appreciate your work. You'll probably never see this comment, alas, thanks anyway. To be honest, I shouldn't have read any of the comments...some of them made me laugh, but one too many spoilers for someone who hasn't read FFC or seen Dune.

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  14. POWER RANK:
    1. GREGOR

    lool
    i love it!!
    It is sad that he only speaks a few times in the books... but his actions speek for him.. looool
    GREGOR SMASH!

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  15. Yes, Yes, Spikes. Heads. Walls.

    LOL

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  16. Wrapping up soon, it seems. Will you dive right into the next book or take a break for a bit?

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  17. I suppose it'll depend what he thinks of the end. The whole drinking of milk thing was too kool. Dont you dare call this a spoiler. You cant understand shit from this unless you know.

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  18. Long time reader, first time commenter, love the blog, I hope you make it through to the end.

    Joffrey gave the command for Eddard's beheading, not Cersei. Cersei was too much of a wimp to stop it from happening, however, so it's kinda her fault too.

    Also, the Night Watch is far from badly trained. The recruits seem badly trained but the older rangers are like the Westeros equivalent of bad-ass commandos. You'll find out in the next book.

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  19. As others have pointed out, in the cause of correctness: it was Tywin's idiot grandson who had Ned's head removed from his shoulders. Cersei was in favour of doing a deal that would have allowed Ned to remain alive and go to the Wall.
    The Night Watch is relatively well trained, but the Wall is badly undermanned and those in the South have largely forgotten about it and it's purpose and only supply it with those that they don't want.

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  20. That's true, it was Joff who gave the order for the beheading of Eddard, and as he's technically King, Ilyn Payne obeyed. Cersei didn't interfere because she didn't want to undermine Joff's leadership, I guess a king being scolded by his Mom in public loses a bit of respectability. Cersei did an awful job of educating Joffrey. Not that Robert was very good, either. It's amazing they produced to good children like Myrcella and Tommen. Joff seems the typical school bully who does as he pleases because he can. In our world, the school bully hopefully finds someone bigger and stronger who beats the shit out of him. If not at school, at high school or later in life. The problem with Joff is that he's a bully and the goddamn king of the Seven Realms. No one is going to stop him. I think the prize for worst parenting goes to Robert and Cersei. There are lots of bastards in the Seven Kingdoms, but none as powerful as Joff.
    Well, sure Cersei regrets that now. Ned could have been changed for Jaime. His corpse, not so much.

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  21. I am re-reading this series, so seeing your blog is quite timely for me. Love your comments!

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  22. Isa seems to have had a few run ins with bullies in her childhood. So much vehemence. :)

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  23. It's also true that at this point in the book, the reader doesn't know it was Joff's idea, making that a spoiler. Hopefully Jason's friend is on the ball with screening comments.

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  24. "Cersei did an awful job of educating Joffrey. Not that Robert was very good, either. It's amazing they produced to good children like Myrcella and Tommen."
    Sorry Sansa Lover: But Robert didn't produce any of those children. And as far as raising them goes, Cersei herself kept the children away from Robert as much as she could. And even threatened to kill Robert if he tryed to disciplined Joff again. But then again it all goes back to that traitor Sansa and her big mouth if not for her then maybe Ned would still have his head?

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  25. Honestly, your fixation with GREGOR is the most hysterical thing.

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