The "Pinocchio" Award for Most Incompetent Liar
Eddard Stark. He could not be more horrible at playing the Game of Thrones. Eddard is that guy who throws rock forty times in a row. Could you imagine him playing poker? "Cersei, I am going to bluff you next hand."
The "Sebastian-Iago" Award for Annoying Talkative Animal
Mormont's raven. Seriously, shut up. We get it, you repeat what people say.
The "Fantasia" Award for Trippy Sequence
Bran's crow dream. This kid would make a killing selling that weed. Plus there's no way cops would pat down a cripple.
The "Dumbo" Award for Useful Facial Deformity
The Hound's burned face. Nobody fucks with him.
The "Bambi" Award for Most Traumatic Childhood
Bran Stark, by a mile. He witnesses an execution, watches incest, gets pushed out a window, becomes crippled, is held hostage by criminals, parts with everyone in his family, gives up on his childhood dreams to become a knight, and has creepy crow nightmares.
The "Cinderella" Award for Clock Striking Midnight
Sansa, when she realized life isn't a song. Imagine Cinderella retold in King's Landing. Joffrey meets his dream girl at the tournament ball. After charming her, he has the Kingsguard beat her. When she escapes at midnight, he searches the entire village for the girl with a black eye.
The "Alice in Wonderland" Award for Overwhelmed Character
Eddard Stark. It's exactly like the Alice story, only if Alice was actually beheaded at the end.
The "Peter Pan" Award for Never Growing Up
Rickon Stark. He's already four years old and can't even swordfight yet. However, he can speak with dead relatives, predict the future, and hangs out in underground crypts.
The "Snow White" Dwarf Sex Award
Obviously Tyrion. He's horny all the time. For a 1930's movie, Snow White would make quite a porn film. A pure, innocent virgin lives with seven male dwarves -- you can't make up a more kinky scenario. Walt Disney was a closet pervert, and I'm convinced Martin is too. Top three names if Tyrion was a dwarf in Snow White? (1) Ugly, (2) Wealthy, (3) Horny.
The "Winnie the Pooh" Award for Jolly Stupid Fat Guy
King Robert Baratheon. The guy completely mails it in for his reign, even failing to realize his kids look nothing like him.
The "Little Mermaid" Award for Lack of Walking Ability
Bran. He's crippled. Also Othor. Disney should remake the movie and instead call it The Little Finger, an inspiring tale of a commoner who dreams of climbing the treacherous King's Landing social ladder to woo the woman he loves by creepily stalking her daughter.
The "Beauty and the Beast" Award for Deviant Sexual Fetish
Cersei and Jaime. Twincest is the best put your sister to the test. I wonder what Cersei would think if she saw her kids doing what she and Jaime did.
The "Jafar" Deceptive Wizard Award
Three way tie. First, Mirri Maz Duur for tricking Dany into letting her kill Drogo and Dany's son. Second, Varys for his seemingly magical (but really child labor powered) all-knowing capabilities. And last but not least, Littlefinger for his cunning manipulation of the City Watch, Eddard, and young Catelyn's panties.
The "Magic Carpet" Award for Craziest Escape
Arya channeling Barry Sanders and using Jedi mind tricks to escape the Lannisters. If the category was "craziest failed escape," it would go to Mycah, who would have to give a two-part acceptance speech. Rimshot.
The "Jasmine" Award for Hottest Princess
Tie, Cersei and Daenerys. I guess they both are technically queens, but I doubt anyone would care. Oh, and Maege Mormont. The senility makes it that much hotter.
The "Mufasa" Award for Parental Death
Eddard Stark. His son Robb just can't wait to be king.
The "Rafiki" Award for Weird Talking Old Master
Syrio Forel. I really hope he survived Ser Marilyn's attack, but knowing the brutality of Martin's universe, Arya will probably have to ID his severed head.
The "Pumbaa" Award for Best Wild Boar
John Wilkes Boar. Also known as the wild boar who snuck up behind Robert and gored his fat ass.
The "Pocahontas" Award for Worst Racial Stereotype
The Black Brothers. Because they are only comprised of bastards, rapists, murderers, and thieves.
The "Quasimoto" Award for Likable Yet Ugly Guy
Tyrion Lannister. He is so very awesome yet so very ugly. One day, he will find his Esmeralda, and hopefully she isn't a whore that his dad paid for.
The "Mulan" Award for Transgendered Individual
Two-way tie. Arya, for being so unlike her sister that everyone mistakes her for a boy. And Loras, for being so, so gay.
The "Genghis Khan" Award for Top 10 Biggest Badasses
The "Happily Ever After" Award for Top 5 Happy Moments
5. Jaime gets captured
4. Robb wins over the Greatjon
3. Jon gives Arya "Needle"
2. King in the North!
1. Dragons sing
The "Wildebeast Stampede" Award for Top 5 Sad Moments
5. Lord Karstark's dead sons
4. Catelyn tells Jon "it should have been you"
3. Dany loses everything
2. Bran is chucked out a window
1. Arya watches Beheaddard