Catelyn • Daenerys

Catelyn seems to be keeping it together quite well despite Ned's death. She has a few words with her father, who inquires about Lysa and her uncle Blackfish. Why isn't Cat grieving more? Maybe she knows that she's free now to reunite with the love of her life and taker of her virginity: Littlefinger. They must have called him Petyr the Pimp, because he was organizing threesomes with highborn daughters when he was barely pubescent.

Robb and his bannermen have different ideas about what to do now that Renly crowned himself. Several of his men want to march and fight immediately, but the scared Frey guy wants to give Jaime back to Tywin and hug it out with the Lannisters. If I was that Karstark guy, I'd have beheaded that pussy Frey right there. Catelyn also argues for peace, but did she really think that these badass vikings would suddenly want to negotiate with GREGOR or Tywin just days after their sons died fighting them? Cat's "peace" is just another bad idea in a long, sad history of bad Cat ideas.

Fortunately, another solution presents itself. The northern lords are all proud guys. They don't like being subservient and they don't like taking orders, especially from a young boy. But winning battles is like miracle tonic -- it cures pride, ambition, and even dead sons. Much like the BCS, one simply cannot can't argue with an undefeated record. Everyone decides to collectively hop onto the giant, snowballing, wolf-shaped bandwagon that is Robb Stark. They all yell "The King in the North!" really enthusiastically, except Maege Mormont, who due to senility yells "The King of Winter!" Aw, nice try Maege, almost. Thus the North and Riverlands declare their independence, which is basically a gigantic "fuck you" to every single southern house, especially the Lannisters. But are the wussy southern knights really going to come up north and forcibly take the frozen tundra back? Maybe GREGOR will, but the rest of those pussies? I doubt it.

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I was waiting for Dany's chapters to intersect more than just tangentially with the main storyline, and it never happened. Now we're at the last chapter, and I'm still not sure what the point of this whole ordeal was. Dany has learned some tough life lessons from the Princess School of Grim Realities (other students: Sansa). She is finally making decisions for herself, rebuffing Jorah's suggestion that they run away to Asshair (basically perv Jorah's attempt at kidnapping her). Don't get into his pedo van, Dany! Walk away! Ultimately, it all seems for nothing, because Dany has gone insane. She's prepping for a huge, ritualistic Drogo funeral pyre. Well, at least MMD gets what's coming to her.

While the fire rages on, Dany decides to walk through it with her dragon eggs. Once she started to do this it was pretty clear what was going to happen. She wanted a dragon omlette, with extra Khal and a side order of naked princess and a slab of well done evil sorceress steak. Instead, she "gives birth" to three living, breathing dragons -- one white, one black, and one hispanic. It's on now -- the dragons are back, and their owner is pissed. The Seven Kingdoms are so fucked.