Jon • Eddard

A new recruit suddenly appears in the practice yard. Everyone stops to stare because he's fat and rich. Samwell Tarly is also weak, cowardly, and insecure. His lord father disowned him for being such a huge wuss, and gave him a choice between taking the black and having a hunting accident. Randyll Tarly then calmly ripped the still bleeding heart out of a freshly killed deer. I take back everything I said about Southerners -- sometimes, they can be just as hardcore as the Starks.

Unsurprisingly, Fat Sam sucks at sword fighting. Ser Alliser sees an opportunity to indulge his sexual deviancy and has Halder spank Sam with a sword. Jon steps in to defend Sam, and later forms a pact with the other boys to protect him, much to the dismay of their now flaccid master-at-arms. Jon had taken Donal and Benjen’s advice to heart: Sam may be fat and pathetic, but he is still a member of the watch, and one of the few black brothers who isn't a rapist or thief.* At the end of the chapter, Jon wonders where his missing uncle went. My guess would be Benjen is busy helping Waymar reanimate dead wildlings. 

* out of context, this sounds ridiculously racist 

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The big tournament brings many knights and whores to King's Landing. With them comes crime, conflict, and an appealing array of new smells. But it’s not all wasted money, as the Super Bowl-like atmosphere stimulates not only the whores but the entire economy of the city. Eddard doesn't like tourneys or brothels -- he would much rather execute deserters or stand solemnly in the cold. Maybe King Bob should reconsider his choice for the Hand position, because Ned isn't doing so well. Here’s a list of job titles, can you guess the ones that are well-suited for Eddard Stark? 1) High school principal, 2) prison warden, 3) late night talk show host, 4) pimp, 5) Hand of the King.

Eddard is investigating Jon Arryn’s death, which leads him to a blacksmith’s apprentice named Gendry. Eddard discovers that this boy is King Bob’s bastard son. “Gentry” means highborn or aristocrat, and while Martin probably chuckled at the wordplay, even Robert wouldn’t be so stupid when naming his secret kid. So Lord Arryn was about to discover and probably reveal that King Bob wasn’t faithful to Cersei, and the Lannisters whacked him before he could? Eddard’s thick, manly eyebrows furrow as he attempts to parse through all the mystery and political intrigue.

Bran • Eddard

Bran whines a lot, but it’s justified because he can’t walk. When will he not be entitled to complain anymore? According to the Eventual Mitigation of Severe Tragedy Formula Union (EMOSTFU), the grace period for a tragic event is equal to twice the amount of time you lived without the tragedy. Thus, in Bran’s case, it's two times however long he possessed the ability to walk. Assuming all Stark children could walk the instant they were born, Bran can whine until he’s at least twenty-one. That's a long time. Crap. 

He’s also a jerk to Old Nan, which is definitely not justified. She’s just trying to help and advise him by telling him about the Others. Thus far, 100% of people who have ignored wise old advice have been turned to zombies, so Bran should really pay attention. Instead, he's interrupted by Tyrion’s arrival. Despite Tyrion’s handicapped saddle gift, the direwolves still hate him. Gee, I wonder why. Tyrion is lucky that Bran doesn’t remember who pushed him, or else he wouldn’t leave Winterfell alive. 

At the end of the chapter, Robb and Bran share an intimate, non-homosexual non-incest moment, showing that their parents’ absence is taking its toll on all of them. Come on guys, get a grip. Starks don’t cry. Besides, this is the north, where tears freeze before they reach your beard.

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Eddard is investigating the circumstances of Lord Arryn’s death. Why did Cersei want him dead? Is the Grand Maester in on it? These questions are far too nuanced and complex. Eddard, with all his duty, honor, and hard work, is built more for straightforward problem solving. He’s a firefighter, not a detective, whereas Littlefinger is an investment banker, Robert a washed up football player, Cersei a trophy wife, Varys a CIA director, Pycelle an elite French chess player, and Joffrey the spoiled rich kid who will one day get his comeuppance. 

Eddard sees Arya practicing hard at “dancing” before he’s summoned by Littlefinger, who leaks to him the identities of several informants who keep tabs on him. It’s like Eddard is peering down the rabbit hole of King’s Landing politics and finally realizing that he is way out of his depth. This place operates on an entirely different set of rules, the most important being “trust no one.” A wise man once said, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the council meeting, you are the sucker. 

Arya • Daenerys

Arya is lonely. Her father is stressed and busy with council meetings, her wolf is gone, her butcher boy is in pieces, and her sister blames her for Lady's death. Even if Sansa would talk to her, they have nothing in common. Arya likes sword fighting, horseback riding, and being awesome, while Sansa's interests include sewing, betraying her family, and reinforcing traditional female gender roles. At dinner, Arya loses her appetite, tells her Septa to suck it, and contemplates running away as she hides in her room. Eddard visits her there, and in true Stark parenting style, allows his eight-year-old daughter to keep a deadly weapon. He also signs her up for sword fighting lessons, presumably because he wants Arya to accidentally decapitate the next poor butcher boy she befriends.

Arya’s "dancing" instructor is Syrio Forel, who apparently graduated from Wise Old Master University along with Pai Mei, Yoda, and Mr. Miyagi, because he has the complete repertoire of unorthodox methods, hidden skills, and a strange way of speaking. In her first POV chapter, Arya received a uberspecial sword. This is her second chapter, and she is already on her way to becoming a ruthless preteen killing machine. I see where they are going with this. In chapter three she will gain the power of flight, and chapter four will have her stopping bullets and traveling back in time.

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Dany isn’t having fun. Martin goes into graphic detail about how she rides hard during the day and gets ridden hard at night. It’s so bad that she contemplates suicide, but is stopped by some wacky empowering dragon dream. Soon, she’s beginning to tolerate and even enjoy her new life. As they travel, Dany becomes more confident, more aware of her unique situation, and more like a true Dothraki. The end of the chapter is very significant -- she is symbolically seizing control by becoming the rider instead of the mount. It’s also the first (and hopefully last) time I feel glad that a tiny thirteen-year-old was impregnated through public, animalistic sex with a gigantic horse lord.

Viserys is the exact opposite of his sister, growing more detached and delusional each day. Every time he goes off on one of his crazy wake-the-dragon rants, Ser Jorah and MC Illyrio humor him to his face, but exchange nervous, knowing looks. Amazingly, Viserys thinks it’s completely fine to discipline the Khal’s wife via boob grabbage just as he's done numerous times before. This time though, it’s not the same. This isn’t a king punishing his subject in King’s landing, or an older brother asserting dominance over his younger sister in MC Illyrio’s slave quarters. This is a pathetic pretend dragon offending Drogo's queen. This is a Khalasar crossing the Dothraki Sea, and that means egotistical little punks get choked with whips.

Eddard • Tyrion

Eddard has his first council meeting and learns that the treasury is bankrupt due to Robert's lavish spending, presumably on fatty foods. Afterwards, Littlefinger leads him to a secret rendezvous with Catelyn. Thinking Littlefinger was just stringing him along, Eddard almost punches him, but Ser Rod sans barf beard appears to confirm that Cat was there. Did Eddard really think Littlefinger took him to a secret passage that led outside the castle, then down a rock cliff, then on horseback to a brothel just to set up a one liner "your wife is inside" joke?

Littlefinger delivers zinger after zinger, taking nothing seriously apart from his feelings for Catelyn. He shrugs off the huge royal debt, suggests that Eddard fondle some breasts, and sarcastically golf claps when Eddard first recognizes Catelyn. I was disappointed that Littlefinger didn't ask about Jon, and that Eddard didn't politely request some time alone with Catelyn. Come on dude, it's been a while since you've last seen your wife, and you're already in a brothel. Eddard should have done it just to see look on LF's face.

After hearing Catelyn's story about the assassin and how Bran's wolf saved both their lives, Eddard suddenly realizes that he probably shouldn't have killed Sansa’s wolf. Littlefinger suggests that they just pretend the super recognizable Tyrion knife doesn't exist, but Eddard is too proud and too righteous to forget about something of this magnitude, even if it’s in his own best interest. The Lannisters had enough power and influence in King’s Landing to murder the previous last Hand, so Ned will ultimately hang his hopes on the King. However, Robert is politically inept and disinterested, allowing his council to run the kingdom while he requests another party.
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The Night’s Watch is such a raw deal. You can’t own land, you can't have sex, your brothers are the dregs of society, and the guy training you is Alliser Thorne, an anal, humorless, tool of a man. Predictably, Tyrion mocks him so badly that Thorne is forced to leave the dining hall, much to the delight of the others. After dinner, the Lord Commander pleads with Tyrion to convince the King to send more men. Mormont continues on about abominable snow men sightings, missing uncles, and mountain people fleeing, but Tyrion doesn’t take him seriously. Maintaining the Wall is like paying for asteroid insurance -- it guards against a disaster that happens so infrequently that it’s easy to forget about it or dismiss it. Robert isn’t going to send men and resources when he can't even pay his own debts.

Before Tyrion departs, Jon gives him a few messages to deliver to Robb, Rickon, and Bran. Didn’t Tyrion recently try to whack Bran? It would be supremely stupid to return to Winterfell. Either Tyrion thinks the Starks don’t know it was him, or Jaime and Cersei acted without his knowledge.

Catelyn • Jon

Usually knights are shiny and chivalrous, but in Martin's universe, they shave their beards because of accumulated seasickness barf. Ser Rodrik seems like the perfect bodyguard who takes many precautions to keep Catelyn safe on their journey to King's Landing, but then you remember that just a few chapters ago he didn't think of posting a guard outside Bran's room. Come on Rod, you're better than that.

When Catelyn finally arrives at the city, she is greeted by her childhood friend Littlefinger, who has overcome several social disadvantages to climb quite high on the political ladder. Though he still harbors unrequited feelings for Catelyn, his personal history and his obvious Napoleon complex gives him plenty of reasons to dislike the Starks. Where Littlefinger is mysterious and clever, Varys is deceptive and scary. He's the Westeros KGB. He has an almost child-like demeanor, but the one asset he possesses --information -- is so important to everyone that he could be more powerful than the King. This contrasts quite sharply with Vary’s very fragile, very dickless exterior.

Varys knows that Bran is in a coma and that Catelyn is in King’s Landing. Varys knows exactly when she arrived and where she is hiding. Varys knows why she carries a dagger and that it originally belonged to Tyrion. Varys knows what you are thinking before you do. Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know. Varys was on the grassy knoll with Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot, watching the final episode of Lost which explains everything. Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows.

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Jon whines some more about his bastardness, about Benjen, and about Alliser Thorne. He whines about Night’s Watch comrades and that it's cold near the Wall. Never mind that it was his choice to come here despite his uncle’s warning. Jon has had it so rough growing up with kickass royal siblings in a giant castle with a Lord as a father. Jon must feel so misunderstood and alone despite his supremely loyal supernatural pet direwolf who is unconditionally devoted to him. Poor Jon Snow. It's amazing he has endured such a hard life.

The sons of famers and miners are no match for Jon’s combination of sword skills and emo rage. Before Jon makes too many enemies, Donal Noye verbally beats the pretentious emoness right out of him. Jon starts to realize that when the snow hits the fan, it won't matter if your mother was a whore or if you can beat down some big kid named Grenn. Jon bonds with Tyrion some more while a bird arrives from Winterfell. Tyrion incorrectly assumes that his super expensive and recognizable dagger man succeeded in whacking Bran, but it’s actually news that Bran woke up. Jon is so happy that he extends an olive branch to Grenn. When Thorne makes fun of them, Jon fires back with his “I’d love to see Ghost juggle” zinger. Alliser is not amused, probably because he didn't get the joke. It's funny because wolves normally can’t juggle.

Eddard • Bran

A wise man once said, "thou shalt not lie, for the Queen shall kill thy pet direwolf." Perverse karmic justice is served when Lady is executed as a direct result of Sansa’s actions. The significance is obvious: Sansa ceased being a Stark in spirit when she chose Joffrey over her family, and her symbolic connection with "northness" was fully severed with Lady's death. If Arya-vs-Joffrey was a character test for Sansa, she failed in every way possible way. She betrayed her sister, lied to her father, and upset her future husband and family. Even though she did Joffrey a favor by lying, all she received in return was her innocent wolf’s corpse.

After you strip away all the royal titles and family pride, this was just kids getting into a stupid fight and receiving with a few scars and bruises. It's not like Arya pushed Joffrey off a window ledge or sent an assassin to kill him in his sleep. Despite this, Robert lets Cersei have her way because he was too cowardly and lazy to argue with her. Even though Robert is king, his life still sucks tremendously. He’s in love with a dead girl, his son is a wuss and a jackass, and his wife would rather sleep with her brother. Also, supernatural ghost men invade from the north and the Scorpion King raises an army across the sea. Lastly, he’s become embarrassingly overweight. Robert’s going to be the first king who commits suicide out of depression.

I have two final thoughts about this chapter. First, the Hound is a pretty badass cowboy with his “he ran, but not very fast” line. Second, I can't believe Martin killed off one of the direwolves so early in the book, because I felt very attached to them already. When it was revealed that Mycah was in the body bag and not Nymeria, I was relieved and happy. Repeat: I was happy that an innocent child was murdered instead of a guilty pet wolf.

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I spent an inordinate amount of time and words on that last chapter because there’s hardly anything to say about the next one because it's six pages of Bran tripping out on LSD, where he converses with a three-eyed crow and possesses the power of flight. Then he wakes up names his wolf “Summer,” when “Fall” is clearly the more appropriate name, as it signals winter is coming and conveniently summarizes why he’s crippled.

Catelyn • Sansa

Catelyn is spending all her time in Bran’s room and fears that he might die at any moment. Her absence has taken its toll on Robb and Rickon. I understand her concern, but ignoring the mental health of her other children is more irresponsible than leaving Bran’s side. She can’t control his condition, so there's no need to be there. However, her irrationality saves Bran's life, because the Lannisters send an assassin to kill him. Catelyn slows the guy down long enough for Bran’s wolf to take him out. I thought the direwolves were still pups, but apparently they are strong enough now to rip out throats. The Starks are starting to see that the direwolves are special, but I wonder if Catelyn realizes that in this analogy, she's the big dead mom wolf in the snow with an antler in her throat. The traumatic event shocked Catelyn back to her senses, and now she's headed to King's Landing in search of the truth.

It was dumb of Jaime to give his goon a super expensive identifiable knife -- he might as well have written "rich people want coma boy silenced" in big neon lights. It's not surprising that Jaime or Cersei would try something so reckless and stupid. They call Jaime the "Kingslayer" but so far he's failed twice at killing a helpless seven-year-old boy. What happens when he has something difficult to kill?
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Sansa gets her own chapter! I know that Eddard and Catelyn need to have their own chapters to narrate events through adult eyes in the middle of the main storylines, but I'm not sure if a Sansa POV would be interesting or necessary. Thus far she seems like the typical highborn girl, and her boringness is emphasized even more by how different Arya acts. Sansa is obsessed with Joffrey, looks down on Jon, and is embarrassed by Arya. You can't really blame her, because young girls brought up in such an environment typically only care about boys and social status. Even though this chapter is told through Sansa, Arya is the one who drives the action. I thought it was ironic that Sansa actually asked Catelyn if Arya was a bastard, because it really should be the other way around. Sansa is the only Stark child who doesn't act like a Stark.

Sansa is so excited about her date with Joffrey that it makes her completely change her viewpoint on horseback riding. Joffrey initially is very chivalrous, protecting her from the Hound and that scary Payne guy, but when they encounter Arya sparring with a peasant friend, Joffrey turns into a pompous jerk. One thing leads to another and Arya hilariously beats him up with Nymeria's help. Afterward, Sansa is horrified and tries to comfort the injured prince, but he's not having it. Sansa's dream of being a queen in a big castle is crumbling right before her eyes.