Saturday, June 6, 2009

Eddard • Tyrion

Eddard watches Sandor beat Jaime in the tourney semifinals, much to the delight of Sansa the dog whisperer. Before the second match we get some juicy Gregor back story. Basically, the dude is a cross between Hulk and Satan. He's extremely large, strong, and angry. He kills infants, rapes princesses, and burns faces. Everything around him dies in mysterious fashion, including his wife, his father, and his sister. Despite his evilness, Gregor is also a hilarious, over the top character that deserves his own television show. It would be awesome if there was a reality show that followed Gregor around during common rage scenarios, like waiting in line at the post office or getting stuck in traffic. Or maybe a talk show like Oprah or Geraldo except titled GREGOR, where every day one unlucky guest is brutally beaten to death.

Gregor’s opponent is Loras, who is basically a jousting boy band singer, complete with gem-encrusted clothing and a sleek, effeminate body. He’s the Leonardo DiCaprio of knights, hated by guys and loved by teen girls. Fortunately for him, it seems like 99% of females in Martin’s book are under the age of eighteen, so his Q-rating is through the roof. The match seems like David versus Goliath, except this time David has a mare in heat instead of a slingshot and stone. Loras uses his horse’s smelly vagina to drive Gregor’s stallion into a horny frenzy, winning him the joust. Gregor does not like being tricked, because GREGOR SMASH. But Sandor surprisingly steps in to save the kid from an imminent Gregor-induced death, and Loras concedes the finals as a thank you.

Later that night Varys secretly visits Eddard to tell him of the Lannister plot to assassinate King Bob during the melee. Eddard talks Robert out of participating, but Cersei and her cronies will try again. It’s up to Eddard to save King Bob and take down the evil Lannisters, but he has no idea what to do. Robert continues to be dumb and clueless -- he couldn’t save Jon Arryn and can’t really help Eddard now.
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Tyrion is very unlucky. He’s been hanging out at the freezing cold wall, and on his way back he gets arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. On their way to the Vale, Tyrion repeatedly tries to convince everyone that he was not behind the attempt on Bran. We learn that he would never bet against his family so he couldn’t have won the dagger, and that Littlefinger is a big selfish liar. How to get your dream girl: (1) lose to her future husband in single combat, (2) boast about taking her virginity, and (3) creepily touch her daughter. Bullet-proof plan, Petyr.

The journey is filled with rough terrain, horse eating, and dangerous mountain clans. They are attacked, and Tyrion surprisingly fares quite well in his first battle, probably because he is the perfect height to club a guy in the balls. After they win, Bronn proclaims that Tyrion needs a woman, because there's “nothing like a woman after a man’s been blooded.” Tyrion should totally proposition Cat for a quickie, though for her to agree, she’d have to be super drunk, have amnesia, and pick up a dwarf fetish. No harm in trying though. Will Cat eventually be convinced of Tyrion’s innocence? What’s going to happen to Tyrion once they reach their destination? If I wanted to frame Tyrion, I’d send another assassin, armed with another one of Tyrion’s super recognizable daggers, only this time to the Vale to try to kill Lysa’s son. That’d probably clinch it.

28 comments:

  1. I honestly have very few words. Just complete genius. I'm laughing my ass off. Actually laughing out loud. I don't care if you suddenly stop liking this series (which I love) and write about pop tarts, I'd read it. But please continue.

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  2. best post yet, i think. Gregor is amazingly over the top, and bronn and tyrion together are hilarious.

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  3. The Gregor/Sandor dynamic is fascinating to me. There is so much to consider there between their childhood interactions and how they handle each other as adults. GRRM could do an entire separate series "The Clegane Years", if he ever finishes this one, that is.

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  4. "This week, on GREGOR: GREGOR goes to the DMV to renew his licence! Bloodshed ensues!"

    I started following your blog a little while ago, and am quite enjoying it. Keep up the good work.

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  5. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Too good :D

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  6. Oh my god-this is freaking hilarious! Especially all the images of Gregor having a camera following him around and watching him lose his cool (or hot, however you want to go) and beat the shit out of someone to death. That's something I'd watch-if only to see how hyped up he can get.
    Of course, I had a good laugh at your take on Petyr's plan. Yeah, that's Littlefinger in a nutshell. Creepy guy, and as bold as brass, too.
    Anyway, keep up the good work. :)

    Heather

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  7. Ok, i absolutely love this blog, but i would like him to give more personal opinions and thoughts than just re-tell the chapters.

    PS. Gregor is also a hilarious, over the top character that deserves his own television show. It would be awesome if there was a reality show that followed Gregor around during common rage scenarios, like waiting in line at the post office or getting stuck in traffic. = LMAO

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  8. I'm surprised that you did't comment on King Bob being too fat for his armor and needing "the breastplate stretcher"

    -M

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  9. Loving this blog so far. Could you add more of your personal opinions as well?

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  10. I love this blog. Your ability to tell a story in a new and funny way just seems to improve with every post.

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  11. Actually, your idea for Gregor has sorta been done. Have you seen Futurama? There's an alien newscaster that's basically the same idea. Morbo is his name.

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  13. I have followed your blog from the very beginning, and I can, without a doubt say, this was the best entry you have posted.

    The GREGOR reality show was amusing. Mocking Loras Tyrell and pointing out he won, because of a horse's smelly vagina was better. I do have to disagree with you on comparing him to DiCaprio. He is more of that douchebag from Twilight, if you follow your system of popularity among tween chicks.

    Your taking apart Petyr's bulletproof plan was brilliant. All in all, you have grown on me quite a bit with your humor. Your not the second coming of Jim Norton, but your comedic talent is quite abundant.

    Having sang your praises I must point out that you are reading quite slow. The blog entries are getting infrequent, and you are only on pg 338 after a month. It would be nice if you balanced out the humor with your thoughts on the actual story. You were doing a fantastic job of this in the beginning. Keep up the good work, and read faster!

    Edit:
    I had to delete my last post, due to something which could be perceived as a spoiler.

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  14. omg people. This isn't blog-on-demand. This is him sharing his reactions to what he's reading, and he's doing a good job of it. It's entertaining and fun to revisit GoT like this. So I don't see the point of asking him for 'personal opinions' -- it seems to me that he's been pretty clear in his opinions regarding the various characters and events. I'm going to simply enjoy the posts rather than act as a literary critic.

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  15. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

    But when Chuck Norris gets mad, GREGOR smash Chuck!

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  16. philly_homer, you know he doesn't have to be doing this at all, right? He's not doing this so you can read it as much as he's doing it to organize his thoughts (as he's explicitly stated).

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  17. It wasn't Eddard Stark who beat Littlefinger in single combat, it was Eddard's (late) older brother, Brandon Stark. You know that Brandon is dead, because it's the only way that Eddard could be Lord of Winterfell.

    Non-spoiler background (which is in the text that you've already read, but kind of subtle): there were four Stark kids of Eddard's generation: Brandon (the oldest son and therefore the heir), Lyanna (Eddard's sister, whose tomb Robert visited), Eddard, and the youngest brother Benjen (who, being the youngest and not in a position to inherit, joined the Night Watch). We meet Benjen in an early chapter.

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  18. In response to the above anon, I think Jason knew Brandon not Ned beat Littlefinger, just worked it a tad incorrectly. Ned was Cat's future husband, but at the time Brandon was to be her husband in the future.

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  19. Your sarcasm is boring and overdone. You write with contempt for the author of who you wouldn't be worth the spit on his shoes. True fans of ASOIAF would not even give this blog a second look.

    GRRM

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  20. I'd say most true fans of ASOIAF wouldn't impersonate its author to add credibility to their own opinions.

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  21. hey george shouldn't you be busy writing dance?

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  22. I find it hilarious that Jason now has his very own entitled fans that bitch about the speed of his writing ;)

    p.s
    this blog is awesome

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  23. Good point, last of the Anonymouses. And I'll bet you good money that Jason here is putting down triple the word count on a weekly basis that our buddy Martin is trickling out.

    So let's cut him some slack. Jason, not Georgie.

    Roland of Gilead

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  24. 'Sansa the dog whisperer'. I laugh every time I read that! Very funny.

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  25. Very funny, keep it up....I expected you to pick up on Gregor taking his horses head off after losing his match!! I wasn't too happy with the image of a screaming horse for a while :| Very funny, keep it up. I have only just finished this book and I'm looking forward to your take on the rest of it!

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  26. This has to be, by far, the funniest blog I've ever read! I'm enjoying it nearly as much as reading ASoIaF itself! I'm betting George would get a huge kick out of it too. He has a similar sense of humor which is why we all love his writing style.

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  27. Gregor does not like being tricked, because GREGOR SMASH!
    LOOL
    my favourite caracter!!

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