Monday, June 1, 2009

Catelyn • Sansa

Catelyn and Ser Rod travel north in secret. They are prissy high society folks, so they risk staying at an inn instead of camping by the road. It’s not a five star place, but it’s completely filled due to all the travelers going to King’s Landing for the tournament. The inn has a deafening dinner bell, a shoe polishing kid, and singers that solicit for money. Catelyn and Roddy were inconspicuously minding their own business when Tyrion suddenly walks in. The annoying singer draws his attention, and Tyrion quickly recognizes Cat. Since this is Catelyn’s old neighborhood, everyone knows that she is the daughter of the most important lord in the area. So when she asks for help arresting Tyrion, everyone draws their swords. 

I hope Tyrion kept the receipt for that cripple-saddle. He’s very unlucky to have picked this particular inn. Why would he so readily greet Catelyn if he sent the assassin? It seems even more likely that Jaime and Cersei moved against Bran and set up their brother to take the fall. Is Cat really just going to take him back to Winterfell and execute him? Before she does that she should send a raven to Jon Snow with a letter that reads “I arrested your dwarf friend, he’s going on trial for murder. It should have been you.” 
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Last time in Sansa’s first chapter, Martin cleverly disguised her inherent boringness by having Arya and Joffrey drive the action. This time, she attends a tournament where dozens of new characters are introduced. At this rate, the third Sansa chapter will be set in the middle of circus, battle, or hurricane. We see all the action at the Hand's Tourney through Sansa's eyes. She observes that the southern knights look better, and they seem to joust better too, as Jory is the only northerner to make it out of the first round. Who cares about jousting anyway? Everyone knows that wolf-raising, midnight ranging, and deserter executing are far more useful skills.

Because Sandor’s burned face and nonchalant murders aren’t scary enough, we meet his brother Gregor, who is armed with even more size, strength, and brutality. He even has a more goon-ish name. Martin should always write his name in caps. GREGOR. Both Cleganes make the final four of the tournament, along with Jaime and the “Knight of Flowers” Loras Tyrell, who gives a red rose to Sansa. She’s instantly smitten by his metrosexual charm, but the moment is ruined by weirdo pedo Littlefinger. He creepily introduces himself and strokes her face, but stops short of asking for a lock of hair or some toenail clippings.

Sansa is happy because Joffrey is nice to her during dinner. Joffrey predicts Loras will lose to Sandor or Jaime, and that when he is old enough he’ll win all the jousts, assuming Arya never enters. At the end of the night, drunk Sandor takes Sansa home, and they share an intimate moment -- if intimate moment actually meant terrifying therapy session. Sandor has some serious issues, but opens up and reveals to his new shrink Sansa that his face was burned by his brother. In a refreshing take on doctor-patient confidentiality, Sandor threatens Sansa with death if she ever reveals what he said. 

PS -- can you imagine a Gregor POV? “Sandor take Gregor toy Gregor burn Sandor head.”

22 comments:

  1. Nice work. And I do seem to recall that reading through most of the Sansa chapters was a major chore. She is just so boring and naive. Martin does a good job of making you want to reach into the pages, pull her out, and slap some sense into her.

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  2. Haha, Pedo Petyr has a nice ring to it.

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  3. "It should have been you" *teehee* Nice.

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  4. Knight of WinterJune 1, 2009 at 11:25 PM

    2. Police Cat

    When I saw this in your power ranking I immediatly imagined a tabby wearing a police hat hold a whistle in its paws!

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  5. Flowery knights ... Ser Loras Tyrell?

    Tyrion is my favourite POV, he is smart ... you'l see.

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  6. Damn, I was sure you were going to go with the GREGOR SMASH line. However, I must admit GREGOR BURN sounds more badass.

    Good entry with a couple of funny lines . I enjoyed "I arrested your dwarf friend. It should have been you" line. I was delighted with your take on the Sandor and Sansa therapy session.

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  7. More goon-ish name indeed. Hilarious entry, keep it up!

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  8. "when he (Joffrey) is old enough he’ll win all the jousts, assuming Arya never enters" Great line!

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  9. As much as I never liked her, Cat's arrest of Tyrion was one of the coolest scenes in the book. Even that obnoxious (insert bad word here) can have a streak of badass when she needs it.

    But how do you know that deep down The Mountain that Rides isn't a great poet? "Oh fire, thou hast seduced me with thy flamey goodness. Thou shalt burn and dance eternal."

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  10. Hilarious as usual. Loved the 'it should have been you' Cat reference, plus the Gregor POV. I love this blog!

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  11. LOL Great entry. Especially loved the line about Joffrey saying he'll win all the jousts, long as Arya never enters. And I liked the Gregor POV. Reminds me of Hulk on steroids.

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  12. haha, great entry. Funny you should mention Loras being a metrosexual; the first time I read the book, I got that feeling too. ;)

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  13. Loras would totally be in Tiger Beat (and Sansa would totally read Tiger Beat) if this were set in the present.

    These posts are awesome, I reload constantly hoping for a new one. Keep it up!

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  14. The Tiger Beat reference brings to mind a photo spread of Leif Ericson with very long thick hair and no shirt (I was in 5th grade and it was a very long time ago) Yup, that would be Loras!

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  15. Haha. I agree with the all caps GREGOR. Sansa and Catelyn are my least favorite characters and reading your views on them just made my day!

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  16. Oh, Loras, you lulzy babygay.

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  17. Toenail clippings... you're too much! (-:

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  18. HEY! Stop updating your football, conventions, and miniatures blogs, and get back to writing blog of Ice and Fire!

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  19. I can't decide if the above comment is meant to be satirical.

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  20. I can't decide if he really thinks George RR Martin is reading and blogging about his own book.

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  21. Oh my GOD. SANDOR TAKE GREGOR TOY GREGOR BURN SANDOR HEAD. You have just made my day. Oh God. I need to see a Gregor POV chapter now.

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  22. keep the good work!

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