Monday, May 18, 2009

Catelyn • Jon

Usually knights are shiny and chivalrous, but in Martin's universe, they shave their beards because of accumulated seasickness barf. Ser Rodrik seems like the perfect bodyguard who takes many precautions to keep Catelyn safe on their journey to King's Landing, but then you remember that just a few chapters ago he didn't think of posting a guard outside Bran's room. Come on Rod, you're better than that.

When Catelyn finally arrives at the city, she is greeted by her childhood friend Littlefinger, who has overcome several social disadvantages to climb quite high on the political ladder. Though he still harbors unrequited feelings for Catelyn, his personal history and his obvious Napoleon complex gives him plenty of reasons to dislike the Starks. Where Littlefinger is mysterious and clever, Varys is deceptive and scary. He's the Westeros KGB. He has an almost child-like demeanor, but the one asset he possesses --information -- is so important to everyone that he could be more powerful than the King. This contrasts quite sharply with Vary’s very fragile, very dickless exterior.

Varys knows that Bran is in a coma and that Catelyn is in King’s Landing. Varys knows exactly when she arrived and where she is hiding. Varys knows why she carries a dagger and that it originally belonged to Tyrion. Varys knows what you are thinking before you do. Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know. Varys was on the grassy knoll with Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot, watching the final episode of Lost which explains everything. Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows.
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Jon whines some more about his bastardness, about Benjen, and about Alliser Thorne. He whines about Night’s Watch comrades and that it's cold near the Wall. Never mind that it was his choice to come here despite his uncle’s warning. Jon has had it so rough growing up with kickass royal siblings in a giant castle with a Lord as a father. Jon must feel so misunderstood and alone despite his supremely loyal supernatural pet direwolf who is unconditionally devoted to him. Poor Jon Snow. It's amazing he has endured such a hard life.

The sons of famers and miners are no match for Jon’s combination of sword skills and emo rage. Before Jon makes too many enemies, Donal Noye verbally beats the pretentious emoness right out of him. Jon starts to realize that when the snow hits the fan, it won't matter if your mother was a whore or if you can beat down some big kid named Grenn. Jon bonds with Tyrion some more while a bird arrives from Winterfell. Tyrion incorrectly assumes that his super expensive and recognizable dagger man succeeded in whacking Bran, but it’s actually news that Bran woke up. Jon is so happy that he extends an olive branch to Grenn. When Thorne makes fun of them, Jon fires back with his “I’d love to see Ghost juggle” zinger. Alliser is not amused, probably because he didn't get the joke. It's funny because wolves normally can’t juggle.

27 comments:

  1. PS - Jon may have seasonal affective disorder. Also, four Catelyn chapters and no second Arya chapter yet? Come on.

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  2. Knight of winterMay 18, 2009 at 10:23 PM

    Varys knows everything!! You know when I read the first chapter that had Varys and Littlefinger in them I cant help but feel what an incredibly dangerous place Kings Landing is. Littlefinger seems always far too pleased with himself and all too confident. And Varys has an unnatural feel about him. The perfect setting for plots within plots.

    Who seems more dangerous to you at this point in the story Jason? Varys or Littlefinger?

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  3. This was a good chapter. i do remember a feeling that Kings Landing felt like a dangerous place. I also recall a fear that Rodrick would croak and die at any second.

    Speaking of Lost though, wasn't the finale great?

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  4. Varys the Dickless One... I like it.

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  5. Does that mean he can't have children?

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  6. The only observation I disagree with is the one about posting a guard outside Bran's room. Remember, they think he just fell and they are in their own home. Why would they need a guard when the castle is "safe"? I don't think anyone suspected that an assassin would be sent after a boy who fell accidentally.

    Still an awesome blog though. :)

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  7. Wow, not many people in my experience take such an instantaneous dislike to Jon. I'll be interested to see how your opinion of him develops now that he's had this wake up call/turning point in his life.

    Also, Littlefinger is easily one of my three favorite characters. Unfortunate nickname and all.

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  8. Don't understand the Jon hate

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  9. Your 'Power Rank' is my favorite. I love it.

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  10. I don't hate Jon -- he just acts like an annoying teenager right now. He's already undergoing some major personality changes, and we're only 1/3 of the way through the first book.

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  11. Well, he IS an annoying teenager. I guess I was just instantly sympathetic to him because I was so horribly offended by Catelyn's treatment of him. I was really hoping that assassin was going to win. Damn direwolf.

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  12. Missed opportunity to properly employ "bastardy" in a sentence!

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  13. This is fun to read. I miss the days when I was reading it for the first time, will follow your journey through Westeros with interest

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  14. I don't actually think Littlefinger suffers a Napoleon complex. I think he's perfectly comfortable in his own skin.

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  15. To be fair to old Ser Rodrick, I think the point of the whole "burn down the library tower" ploy was to draw Bran's guards away.

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  16. I'm not a massive fan of Jon, but that could be because I am a big fan of Catelyn, and therefore didn't immediately cast her in the 'wicked stepmother' role that a lot of people do, leading them to cast Jon in the 'mistreated hero' role. Jon's alright, but for me, he isn't one of the most interesting characters in the novels, and his sections aren't the ones I most look forward to reading.

    Love your description of Varys :)

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  17. Hi!

    I just found this blog through an acquaintance on Twitter. Having read all the books in about 3 months time (I was slightly obsessed) it's fun to watch someone else go through it all from the beginning without the knowledge of what's to come.

    Thanks for the funny and the (for me) irony. I will be keeping up with you for sure. ^_^

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  18. "Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows."

    perfect. i laughed a good when i read that.

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  19. I love your blog, man. This stuff is hilarious and its a great refresher course as well.

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  20. "Varys knows you knows. Varys knows you know he knows..."

    Too. Fucking. Funny.

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  21. I think when you get to AFFC your going to wish you never started the series untill it was completed. If it ever does get completed?

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  22. It's kind of funny, I love Catelyn, and people kinda think you can't say good things about Cat and Jon both. It's a good thing I don't care what people think! I never found Jon all that whiny, considering his life, and I'd much rather a teenage boy be written like a typical adolescent rather than 14 going on 45.

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  23. Oh, and love your description of Varys, he's soooo creepy. And fun! Such effete fabulous fun!

    Heheh, behold Jon Snow, Wunderkind Extraordinaire ;)

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  24. Varys or Littlefinger as the most dangerous...thats one that would go to the wire methinks

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  25. "Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know."

    If only he were a character in a different story, he could be part of a very knowledgeable family.

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  26. Varys knows...

    This may very well be the funniest paragraph I've read on the 'net thus far this year.

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