Monday, May 25, 2009

Bran • Eddard

Bran whines a lot, but it’s justified because he can’t walk. When will he not be entitled to complain anymore? According to the Eventual Mitigation of Severe Tragedy Formula Union (EMOSTFU), the grace period for a tragic event is equal to twice the amount of time you lived without the tragedy. Thus, in Bran’s case, it's two times however long he possessed the ability to walk. Assuming all Stark children could walk the instant they were born, Bran can whine until he’s at least twenty-one. That's a long time. Crap. 

He’s also a jerk to Old Nan, which is definitely not justified. She’s just trying to help and advise him by telling him about the Others. Thus far, 100% of people who have ignored wise old advice have been turned to zombies, so Bran should really pay attention. Instead, he's interrupted by Tyrion’s arrival. Despite Tyrion’s handicapped saddle gift, the direwolves still hate him. Gee, I wonder why. Tyrion is lucky that Bran doesn’t remember who pushed him, or else he wouldn’t leave Winterfell alive. 

At the end of the chapter, Robb and Bran share an intimate, non-homosexual non-incest moment, showing that their parents’ absence is taking its toll on all of them. Come on guys, get a grip. Starks don’t cry. Besides, this is the north, where tears freeze before they reach your beard.
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Eddard is investigating the circumstances of Lord Arryn’s death. Why did Cersei want him dead? Is the Grand Maester in on it? These questions are far too nuanced and complex. Eddard, with all his duty, honor, and hard work, is built more for straightforward problem solving. He’s a firefighter, not a detective, whereas Littlefinger is an investment banker, Robert a washed up football player, Cersei a trophy wife, Varys a CIA director, Pycelle an elite French chess player, and Joffrey the spoiled rich kid who will one day get his comeuppance. 

Eddard sees Arya practicing hard at “dancing” before he’s summoned by Littlefinger, who leaks to him the identities of several informants who keep tabs on him. It’s like Eddard is peering down the rabbit hole of King’s Landing politics and finally realizing that he is way out of his depth. This place operates on an entirely different set of rules, the most important being “trust no one.” A wise man once said, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the council meeting, you are the sucker. 

23 comments:

  1. Y'know, foreshadowing can be a potential spoiler. Just a thought.

    I'm loving this blog. Keep it up.

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  2. Why would the Direwolves hate Tyrion? He didn't chuck Bran out the window, that was Jamie.

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  3. Still cool to follow, and I like how this update is only one day after last one. I am actually looking through the book, just to see which chapters you are going to get to next. Keep it up

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  4. Anonymous #1, you're a retard. It's been said about 52039826236098 times, don't spoil the book for him.

    "NO YOURE WAY WRONG JUST WAIT UNTIL THREE MORE CHAPTERS, YOULL SEE"

    I'm sure he'd find out even without your urging.

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  5. If Cersei is a trophy wife, I'd hate to see what the runner-up got.

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  6. Glad to see you do two entries back to back. Hope you keep it up!

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  7. This blog is hysterical, but also very perceptive...some of the things you write actually make me think you've read the series already. Some of them, though...let's just say you've got quite a few surprises ahead of you.

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  8. so what you are saying is, some of this guys observations are right, and some are wrong. let me add that i believe he will sometimes write more of these observations in the next entries, and sometimes he will not.

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  9. "let's just say you've got quite a few surprises ahead of you"

    Like it was said earlier, stop foreshadowing. Foreshadowing = potential spoilers!

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  10. you will soon realise Pycelle is an old baffoon

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  11. I understand the issue with not wanting to spoil things for the guy, but people gotta calm this down a bit...what possible harm could have come from saying, "some of your perceptions are right and some are wrong, you have quite a few surprises ahead for you"??

    Oh man, now he knows that things will happen in the book that he didn't completely predict or see coming!!

    I do love the blog though, keep up the good work.

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  12. Yeah, be warned, stuff happens to people, and that stuff can at times be described with adjectives, and then, much to everyone's surprise, MORE stuff happens, sometimes to the same people, but sometimes to NEW people. And sometimes those things can be described with TWO adjectives, or even more! And THEN, some of these people actually DO STUFF, and THAT STUFF can be described with . . . ADVERBS!

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  13. NO! Not ADVERBS!!!!

    Great, Kim, you have now spoiled the entire series for me. Way to go. ;)

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  14. emo stfu... had me rolling

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  15. The reasn the direwolves were angsty towards Tyrion is because their owners are susspicious of all lannisters. As a result thedirewolves mimic their feelings. Just like Ghost was rude with Tyrion because Jon initially disliked him, but then grew fond of him once Jon greww fond of him.

    I hope you write this all the way till the end. And then start one about the teevee series! :)

    Andhaira

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  16. Voldemort kills Snape


    OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!??!

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  17. StarkTheWolf - Hilarious! -I'm Mirax on TOTH, by the way.

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  18. Oh no, not those TOTH people! I come here to get away from you guys.

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  19. Yeah, those TOTH people! Thought I recognized your name, Kim... lol
    And the blog's great, Jason. Keep it up! I got hooked on the series thanks to my mom, who nearly decided NOT to finish it after Jamie drops Bran out the window.

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  20. slyhell- needs to go play in traffic right away hell so does all TOTH. I'm serious just go to your nearest highway run out in the middle and just lie down. Please!!!

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  21. The only time Bran ever made me frown was when he was mean to Old Nan. Nobody messes with Old Nan. But it's understandable for a little guy going through all that.

    Snow also melted in Robb's hair. Melted. Somebody have his Ice Cold Stark credentials checked.

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  22. I totally just got the EMOSTFU... I'm slow, but laughing

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