Sansa • Arya

I dread Sansa chapters. It's like double the work because the reader has to parse through her clueless observations to understand what's really going on. In this chapter, Sansa discovers a note left by the freedom fairy. Someone wants to meet in secret with Sansa to send her home. The "someone" turns out to be Dontos, the knight Sansa saved from a an execution at Joffrey's birthday tournament. Sansa is hopeful, even though the only thing Dontos accomplished thus far was to be demoted from knight to fool.

She later runs into the Hound, who talks all tough but seems like he's actually a big softie, because he doesn't do anything to Sansa even though he's very drunk and knows that she was up to something. Sandor even helps her slip back into the castle. But afterward, he rants at her about how dogs are loyal and how she is a bad liar and horrible person. His love-hate relationship with Sansa is hard to understand. I can't tell if the "song" he wants from her is sex or truth or something else entirely. It is super creepy though, can you imagine a gigantic hulking beast-man hooking up with a tiny girl? Oh right, that happened repeatedly in the Dany chapters already.

I have officially reached the point where I do not care what happens to Sansa at all. I don't care that she might escape or she might get punished with a beating. I don't care that she gets stalked by Littlefinger or the Hound. She's been dead to me ever since she lied about her awesome sister's fight with Joffrey and then ratted out her own father.

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Arya and the lost boys wander around the countryside, having escaped from the Lannisters. They go back to the site of the battle, and find almost everyone dead, including Yoren. The three surviving men quickly abandon the kids, who are forced to eat bugs and frogs and whatever else they can find. It doesn't help that Arya's companions are basically useless. Gendry manages to figure out that "Arry" is a girl, but when Arya comes clean, Gendry freaks out after learning Arya is a "highborn lady." He even bows and tries to apologize for talking about cocks. It's endearing and ridiculous for him to try to use proper manners after they've been through so much brutality together, and quite symbolic of how deeply ingrained the class hierarchy can be in the average peasant. It's also funny because Gendry is half highborn too, he just doesn't know it. As king, he could talk about cocks all he wants.

Arya and Gendry go on a date. Everything was going great: they sneak around stealing food, smelling dead bodies, and watching crows peck out the eyes of hanged men. How romantic! Unfortunately, they are interrupted and captured by GREGOR's men, who have no problem beating down little kids. Lommy, the injured kid who was whining about yielding the whole time, is executed. A GREGORman just calmly drives his spear through Lommy's throat because he didn't want to carry him. It was so casually done, as if he was at a fast food place ordering a cheeseburger. Poor Lommy. He was annoying, but not spear-in-throat annoying. As they are taken away by GREGOR, that argument Arya and Gendry had earlier about m'ladys seems so long ago and trivial. In a fairy tale, maybe Nymeria runs out of the woods and rescues them. But if this chapter has shown us anything, it's that war-torn Westeros is anything but a fairy tale.

Bran • Tyrion

Back and Winterfell, Bran voltrons with a gigantic dim witted servant named Hodor. It sucks for Bran because he has to do all the annoying lord paperwork but gets none of the usual benefits. He can't joust or swordfight or climb or even dress himself anymore. However, not many knights get to ride a 7-foot tall Hodorse. If Sir Lancelot had a choice between riding an ordinary horse and Shaquille O'Neal, he'd pick Shaq every time. Despite this, Bran still gets made fun of by the douchebag Frey kids, and Maester Luwin shuttles him off to talk politics and business. The lesser lords are doing their best to sell Bran on their coins and ships, especially Fat Wyman.

Afterward, Bran hangs out with Osha. Apparently, despite an attempted kidnapping and murder, the Starks think it's okay to let Osha be alone, naked, with one of their 8 year old princes. Then the chapter talks about bastards and widows and other inheritance stuff that I don't particularly understand. Martin must have a huge excel spreadsheet to keep track of who marries who and who is lord where. Anyway, we learn that Bran has selectively blocked out the traumatic experience of Jaime shoving him out a window. But at the end of the chapter Cley Cerwyn discusses the Stannisfesto's twincest claim, which causes Bran to dream about the incident that night. The important thing here is not that Bran remembers, but that Mr. Cerwyn has successfully peformed inception. Cue loud foghorn noise.

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King's Landing is not doing great. Everyone fears that King Bob's brothers will march on the city at any moment. The Lannisters have enemies everywhere and daddy Tywin can only be in once place at a time, much to Cersei's dismay. Thus, Tyrion must set out and win alliances for the Lannisters, through letters and marriages and Littlefinger's cock. We get some backstory on Pedo Petyr, who turns out to be quite the social climbing businessman, multiplying the king's fortunes and debts while simultaneously inserting his own cronies. He also nonchalantly brags about stealing both Tully sisters' "maidenhood," though probably not at the same time. Littlefinger is attempting the rare mother sister daughter trifecta with Cat Lysa and Sansa, impressive. Play on, playa. Tyrion offers him a big castle, and that's enough for Littlefinger and his virginity stealing cock to be on the next ship to the Vale.

Next, Tyrion details his plan to give the Prince of Dorne the killer of his sister. I don't even know who Doran Martell is and had to look at the map to find Dorne, but the guy must be important if the Lannisters are considering giving up GREGOR. Supposedly Tywin ordered GREGOR to rape and kill Doran's sister and her child. While that does sound like something GREGOR would do, let's not convict an innocent man. Remember, we're talking about GREGOR here, who is not only a knight but also happens to be the single greatest academic mind in all of Westeros. Are we sure he killed Elia? Someone call Ser Johnnie Cochran.

Arya • Tyrion

The bar exam is over, time to read and blog again, hooray! The past few months were awful, but I had fun on my bar trip and I'm excited to start reading again. I purposely left Clash of Kings at home because I knew I'd just blow through it on the plane instead of write blog entries. When I got back and finally picked up the book, I was worried I had forgotten all the characters, but after a few visits to the appendix I was good to go. It was much easier picking it up this time compared to my first hiatus after Game of Thrones.

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The Yoren train chugs north, looting dead bodies and acting paranoid. You know the situation is bad when the theives, rapists, and murderers can't even travel safely. Hot Pie tries to bond with Arya, but she's not having any of it. Aw, he just wants to be your friend, and he can bake pies for you. Eventually everyone goes to sleep behind some stone walls, but Arya's internal wolf alarm wakes her up right before the Lannisters arrive. They don't believe Yoren's Night's Watch neutrality explanation and attack. Yoren decides to fight instead of surrender, because surely a few new Night's Watch recruits can hold off a hundred fully armed men. But they do have the high ground, and momentarily execute a mini Helm's Deep, stabbing the Lannister guys as they come over the wall. In true Martin-esque fashion, no Gandalf comes to save them. Despite Arya's badass enemy face stabbing, Yoren's party is overwhelmed. Between the Lannisters and the fires, almost everyone bound for the Wall dies, but Arya and a few of the boys manage to escape. At the last minute, Arya decides to save those three dudes in the wagon, tossing them an axe. Surely, that's the last we'll see of them, right!?

At this point in the books, I know Martin well enough to realize that if a character has a careful, thoughtful plan at the beginning of a chapter, future events will almost always foil it. Additionally, things don't just go wrong. They go retardedly wrong. They go so wrong that the plan which sounded reasonable at the time becomes completely ridiculous in hindsight. So the instant Yoren decided to spend the night in the holdfast and sail up the river the next morning, I knew their little band of misfits were screwed that very night. In Martin's universe, plans are always fucked up. Examples: We'll just check out these dead wildlings and then head back to the castle. I'll just push this kid off the ledge and he'll die. I'll just marry my sister off and use her husband's army. I'll just buy the city watch. I'll just arrest and prosecute this dwarf myself. I'll just let this demon sorceress deliver my baby. I'll just confess and be sent to the Wall.

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The Stannisfesto has reached King's Landing, proclaiming Jaime and Cersei's incest loudly and proudly. Cersei wants all copies burned. Clearly, she doesn't know how spam mailing works. Littlefinger is smarter, and suggests counter-libel. Though in Stannis's case, it's not really libel, since the statement about Cersei's twincest was a) true and b) even if it was false, Stannis's actions don't meet the higher burden of proof for public figure defamation because he didn't act with reckless disregard for the truth. Stannis, if you get sued, hire me. Anyway, Littlefinger suggests spreading a rumor that Stannis's daughter was actually the product of Selystache and Patchface the fool. I have an even better rumor: Joffrey is the son of both Robert and Stannis. That's right, they had a gay brotherly affair. Robert carried the child to term, that's why he got so fat. Not only does that one-up Stannis's suddenly tame incest-only accusation, but it eliminates all the claim problems too as Joffrey is Stannis's rightful heir. Problem solved.

Meanwhile, King's Hand Tyrion is busy making gigantic chains for some sort of fat girl BDSM party. I'm glad to see LeBronn here, who decided to leave the Vale and take his talents to King's Landing. Soon, it's time for Tyrion to secretly sneak away to Shae. A wise man once said, sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on. Before that though, Tyrion has a quick chat with Varys about who leaked Joffrey's true parentage. But Varys feigns ignorance, and Tyrion is conflicted about whether the dickless know-it-all is his friend or enemy. I hope Tyrion doesn't end up dead like the previous Hands. He's so much more entaining and interesting than Jon Arryn or Eddard Stark.

Still Alive

I haven't died. I love Clash of Kings so far. But I have finals until the second week of May, and I just have no time to do anything outside of studying. After finals, I will try to do a lot of reading and blogging. Then I have to prep for the bar exam (ewww) in late July. Terrible, I know. I'm sorry. But from what my friends tell me, the HBO show isn't out until 2011 and Martin isn't done with Dance yet. So anyone that reads this series is used to waiting. I hope you all understand! I shall return in a few weeks. See you then.

Update: No new entries until August at the earliest, possibly even mid August, depending on how long it takes me to recover from the massive hangover I'll have after finishing the bar exam.

Daenerys • Jon

I wish there was a fast forward button so we could see Dany's dragons fully grown and kicking ass. It's like Dany has three winning lottery tickets, but she has to walk through a minefield to collect her money. Her measly band of khalasar leftovers drop like flies every day, following the red comet to Asshair. Dany wonders to herself if she went through the entire ordeal in Game just to die from heat exhaustion in the desert. Don't worry girl, writers generally don't kill off their main characters who they spent an entire book developing. Well actually, Dany isn't indispensable, but her dragons are. That would be a cool twist, if Dany died right here. The next POV would be "Drogon" and we would get 15 pages of "hiss meatttt hiss hiss." Instead, Dany and her followers find an abandoned city with figs and water. They're saved!

Jorah tells Dany about his relationship history. He clearly wants to sex up Dany so badly right now. And there's no better way to charm a princess than to tell her that your wife was so unhappy she left you to become the merchant concubine. I'll paraphrase the story. Basically, Jorah was a B-student who received a full ride scholarship at Bear Island Community College. But the day of the college entrance exams, he luckboxed a perfect score. Because of this fluke performance, he got into Lynesse University, the Harvard of Westeros. Tuition was $50,000 a year, but Jorah still went because DAMN that school had a hot young student body. Halfway through his second semester, Jorah flunked out and couldn't pay his student loans, so now he is wifeless and exiled. I suppose he had a chance to get in Dany's pants by playing the Sean Connery-esque suave mature older guy role, strutting around with his manly beard and repeatedly telling the khalasar "stay thirsty, my friends." But after the Lynesse story, and the creepy "she looked like you," Jorah's chances with Dany are as dead as Drogo.

The next morning, Dany decides to send out three riders to scout out the land around her. Two come back with nothing, but the third returned with three visitors from the city of Qarth -- a warlock, a merchant, and Quaithe "of the Shadow," whatever that means.

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Jon, Sam, and many more Night's Watchmen (including one guy named "Smallwood," haha) travel north to find Benjen. They find deserted villages, skeletal remains, and creepy giant trees. LC Mormont wonders why wildlings burn their dead. Really? Did you not get attacked by a zombie a few weeks ago in your bedroom? The one Jon had to burn to kill? Remember?? Old Mormont is becoming senile. Anyway, the NW rangers grow restless and uneasy after finding every town deserted. The LC isn't scared though, because they have over three hundred men, and thus they can easily deal with supernatural ghosts who can raise the dead. The only guy who isn't growing more scared is Sam, because he already max out his scared-ness the instant they stepped outside Castle Black.

Davos • Theon

I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I've been busy with school and other stuff. Sometimes I may read a few chapters every other day, sometimes it might take a few weeks. I originally wanted to do the next few books this summer, but I couldn't wait so I started Clash early. Still, going slowly might be better anyway, because Martin doesn't seem to be finished with Dance yet. Stay with me though! I promise I'll get through every page.

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Davos was a smuggler turned knight. Kind of like Han Solo, if Han Solo had a bunch of kids, developed an inferiority complex, and had a man-crush on Admiral Ackbar. Davos shouldn't feel bad though, because this is fantasy. The smuggler farmboy / street beggar / ordinary girl always turns into a Knight / Jedi / Prince / vampire girlfriend. Davos watches Melisandre burn old, non-red religious stuff. Everyone is nervous, but I don't know why. Clearly this guy R'hllor knows what he's doing. He can give you a +50 defense buff against old maester poisoning. He can light swords on fire. His red wizards are smokin' hot chicks. But it seems only Selystache loves the bonfire. This must be what it's like when Tom Cruise tries to convince all the other Hollywood Stars about Scientology -- everyone mumbles their half polite, half terrified agreement.

Davos gets a recap of King's Landing events from Salladhor Saan, a smuggler slash trader slash banker slash notorious pirate. Meanwhile, Stannis plans to deliver hundreds of letters proclaiming that King Bob's "kids" are actually the product of twincest. Great start with the commoners, Stan. You are not only doing the first ever spam mailing campaign in the history of Westeros, but you're also laying the groundwork for future heredity lawsuits. Peasants, are tired of watching your siblings own land? Just sue them, because they aren't trueborn heirs! Call the law firm of Lannister & Lannister.

But Stan knows that words alone won't win him his rightful throne. So he's chosen his weapon, and it's red and flaming. In the Lord of Light way, not in the homosexual way. Sorry Dave.

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Another new POV! I had to look up a quick history of Theon before reading this chapter. Theon lives with the Starks, but he's actually a hostage taken to keep his father in line. He also kicks heads and is a bit reckless with his arrows. Robb has decided to send him back to his father to ask for help. I agree with Cat that this seems like a stupid move. Why would you willingly give up the one bargaining piece you have? It ends up not mattering anyway, as Balon doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about Theon, in the Randyll Tarly Sam Tarly you are not my son GTFO kind of way.

Theon's boning the captains daughter. She's trying to convince him to keep her as his "salt wife," but Theon isn't swayed so easily by the promise of a well made peppercrab stew. He then proceeds to teach her how to give a blowjob, Theon style (if she tries to pull away, grab her hair!). You see, like most royal sons, Theon is kind of a misogynist asshole. But the materialistic captain and his slutty gold digging daughter aren't exactly calling him out on it. Theon's mind is on the Robb's letter and what his father Balon would say. That's right, as Theon receives a blowjob, he's thinking about his father.

There's no trumpeting fanfare or welcome reception at Pyke. Theon meets his uncle Aeron, who promptly drops some seawater religion on Theon's head. Quote Aeron, "Men fish the sea, dig in the earth, and die. Women birth children in blood and pain, and die." These islands certainly seem like a fun place. Theon finally meets with his father, who immediately calls Theon a sissy girl. Come on Balon, be nice to the kid -- it's not every day your son thinks of you mid-blowjob. Things don't go well for Theon. He does not say the right things and his pitch backfires badly. Balon isn't going to attack the Lannisters like Robb wanted. Do you hear that? That's the sound of a father's rage, a burning letter, and a son's plan blowing up in his stupid asshole face. Welcome home, Theon. Robb shouldn't have sent you.

Tyrion • Arya

Tyrion chats with former City Watch commander Janos Slynt, who can't tell the difference between Arbor and Dornish wine because he's an uncultured dumbass. Janos was the guy who helped promptly execute Ned after Joffrey's command. He also sent a certain Mr. Deem to brutally kill one of Robert's infant bastards. I don't understand exactly why Tyrion is so pissed at this guy. Maybe Tyrion is just a nice guy who wants to have justice for Eddard and Bob's baby. More likely, Tyrion is just tywining up loose ends, and this guy is one of them. Lord Slynt acts tough for about ten seconds before Tyrion hits him with "I'm Tyrion from House Lannister, bitch!" Poor Janos is immediately deported to the Wall.

Afterwards, Tyrion and Varys talk about that riddle Varys posed earlier about the king, the priest, and the rich man. Something about how power is really a shadow but shadows can kill, whatever. Varys then proceeds to mentally fellate Tyrion with the "often, a very small man can cast a very large shadow" line. If Tyrion was smart, he'd whack Varys right now. Why? Because this guy is worst kind of threat. There are two types of power -- hard and soft. Kings and City Watch Commanders and rich Lords have the hard kind, capable of decreeing and ordering and buying whatever they wish. Tyrion can out hard power just about anyone with the wealth and power of House Lannister at his back. But Varys has no hard power. He's just a fat, dickless man who listens through the walls. However, Varys is the Bill Gates of soft power, and his all knowing information network is a far larger danger to Tyrion as Hand than any army of swords. Of course, Varys succeeds, convincing Tyrion to keep him around because Varys "serves the realm."

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Arya continues to travel with Yoren on the Kingsroad to the Wall. Everything along the journey is sunshine and rainbows. People celebrate in villages they pass, and every night their little group sits around a campfire and sings Kumbayah. Rorge makes smores and Biter plays the banjo. (This is not what happens). Martin seems determined to hammer home a theme that was prevelant all throughout Game of Thrones: life is not fair. Good characters are born as bastards or as dwarves or into slavery, while bad characters get wealth, power, and beauty. The honorable guys don't always win in the end, and the douchebag assholes sometimes never get what they deserve. In a perfect world, Yoren and his guys would get free drinks all the way to the Wall and Arya would get a hug from Jon. But not in Martin's universe.

The situation in the Riverlands is harsh and horrible. Everyone is on edge and the group travels in constant fear. They avoid a group of wounded soldiers and even rescue the "please, please" crippled woman and her baby. We get plenty of description about her, but it's all for nothing as she dies the next day. The kids have to drink water that tastes like dead bodies and piss in front of wild animals. It's only a matter of time until Arya comes face to face with her direwolf. Surely Nymeria will remember her former owner, but I don't look forward to her meeting Yoren or Hot Pie or Gendry.

Jon • Catelyn

Jon wears gloves to hide his burned hand. He should wear one shiny glove like Michael Jackson, because they have so much in common already. Both had troubled childhoods, both are kind of emo, and both were ambivalent about being black. Gloved Jon finds Sam in the library cracked out on books. Sam has finally found his calling. I bet he can't wait to drop some cartography knowledge in the training yard. Some kid will knock Sam on his butt during sword practice and Sam will be like, "Yo fool, back in 1694 the Redwyne ranger scouted Lorn Point to Frozen Shore. Bitch."

The Watch is preparing to mass and go north to find Benjen, but Sam is worried that they will never return. Jon is confident that a few hundred ex-cons can fight the magical undead. Jon and Sam visit LC Mormont who is a cranky but funny old guy. There's some confusing history with lots of names. Cliffnotes: Aemon could've been king but actually turned it down because he made a vow. It was probably a good decision, as every king we've read about thus far has died in some horrible way. Mormont tells Jon all this because at some point Jon will have to make the same about keeping his vows. Jon promises to never break them, partly because he fancies himself honorable and partly because he a virgin and doesn't know what he's missing.

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Robb's a king now and is busy drafting a peace treaty. He makes all these demands but refusing to give up the only thing the Lannisters truly care about -- Jaime. While Robb is reciting terms, the Greatjon is apparently stuck in the last chapter of Game of Thrones because he can't stop yelling "THE KING IN THE NORTH!!" repeatedly. Anyway, much of Robb's badass northern army doesn't like this peacemaking. They'd lose it completely if they knew that Cat wants to take it a step further and trade Jaime for her two daughters. Come on Cat, you're a northern woman, and Jaime's family executed your husband. Robb should wait until it's dark and "accidentally" release Grey Wind into Jaime's cell. The next morning he can tell Cat it was an accident while secretly fist-bumping Lord Karstark.

Robb's clearly annoyed at Cat's nagging, so she leaves him to visit her dying father. She learns from her brother the Blackfish that the Riverlands are a chaotic mess. War, death, brutality, and GREGOR are everywhere. Robb has no options against Tywin, who sits in the Fort Knox of castles, Harrenhal, while another Lannister army grows back at Lion City. Cat and Brynden think their only hope lies in asking Renly for help, but I have a better solution.

"Looking 2 buy dragon

Reply to: THEKINGOFWINTER@coldmail.com

Wanted: 1 dragon. must be able to fly.

Offering: 1 direwolf, mint condition. not afraid of men.

Location: Riverrun

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests"

Robb should just post that and wait for xXxpRiNcEsSDaNy13XxX to respond. She can afford to trade, because while she has three magical dragons, she has zero magical wolves. However, going by rarity, a dragon is worth more than a direwolf -- exactly 1.33 times more. Plus the shipping for a wolf is probably greater. I can imagine Robb eagerly waiting for delivery then being super disappointed at the tiny dragon. Be more thorough in your product description Robb, you gullible newbie. Naturally, Cat would leave negative feedback. "Bad seller... dragon 2 small 2 carry son."

Bran • Arya

I almost forgot Bran still had chapters, and it took me a few minutes of digging to remember what last happened to him in Game of Thrones. Bran was just chilling with his little bro Rickon back in the crypts, mourning their dad. Recently, their wolves Summer and Shaggy howl all the time. Maester Luwin thinks its because of the gigantic comet. Their resident wise old woman Nan just casually asserts that the comet means dragons, but everyone ignores her. Luwin should take a hint from every fantasy book ever written: if a wise old woman speaks, she's always right.

Bran complains about his wolf dreams while Maester Luwin offers his cynical scientific advice. Luwin needs to realize that he lives in a universe where dragons and zombies exist. Compared to those, a kid dreaming he's a wolf isn't that weird. Instead, Luwin acts like Bran's shrink and basically writes Cat a prescription for Ritalin. The rest of the chapter is Bran dreaming he's a wolf, which is trippy and strange and frankly kind of cool. Wolf Bran is fast, strong, and generally awesome. But it must suck when Bran wakes up and realizes he can't walk or maul annoying children anymore.

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Arya witnesses the exodus of peasants seeking refuge at King's Landing to escape the war-torn countryside. Yoren's group instead travels north, stopping only to bury Praed. I don't know anything about Praed, other than that his name rearranged spells "raped." The group stops at an inn and we get some background about what's been going on. I think it's cool that Martin gives us a commoner's viewpoint on the war, as listening solely to leaders and council chambers dissociates the reader greatly from the grim, brutal reality. We learn that Grey Wind is helping build Robb's legend and Nymeria made some friends and now leads a giant roving wolf pack. Awesome. I suppose Arya could go searching for her, but that would instantly reveal her identity.

Arya meets the three chained guys in the back of Yoren's wagon. One talks a lot, one is vulgar and violent, and the last one is some sort of ogre-monster. Martin obviously wrote this scene because these guys will eventually be freed, so I am curious as to what happens when the chains come off. Maybe they'll be nice guys who will muss Arya's hair and call her "little sister." Or maybe they will, as Rorge so eloquently put it, "shove a stick up her bunghole." Arya certainly didn't help by punching Biter in the face.

Arya prepares to duel the Bull, but they're interrupted by the Gold Cloaks. They want "the boy," which turns out to be Gendry, probably because Cersei figured out he was Bob's bastard son. The City Watch guys are all big and bad with their swords and warrants, but Yoren doesn't care and tells them to fuck off anyway. A fight seems imminent, but the Gold Cloaks realize they are outnumbered and peace out, vowing to return. What's going to save Yoren's band of ex-cons when the Gold Cloaks come back? My bet is on the three chained guys or a giant pack of wolves.

Sansa • Tyrion

Sansa's having a grand time in King's Landing as Joffrey's betrothed. She gets front row tourney seats, wears nice clothing, and has the honor of receiving the occasional royal beating. She's guarded by Arys, one of Joffrey's bodyguard knights who frankly is kind of a pussy. He compliments Sansa, talks about gossip, and even hits her with less enthusiasm. Come on man, grow some balls. How can you call yourself a Kingsguard if you can't even beat a teenage girl properly?

The tourney is quite lackluster. This time, there are no pretty boys like Jaime or Loras. There are no badass GREGOR-induced deaths or exciting Hound interventions. It sucks so much that Joffrey almost kills a drunkard out of boredom, but Sansa saves the poor guy. The incident all but proves that Joffrey is a psychopath. The kid beats his girlfriend, almost kills a guy for being drunk, laughs when his brother falls off a horse, and doesn't seem to remember that his "father" King Gored Bob died quite recently. The tourney is interrupted by Tyrion's arrival to the city. Despite Tyrion's kind words and gentlemanly behavior, Sansa doesn't trust him. I can't imagine why -- he's only a hideous dwarf with mismatched eyes from the family that executed her father. What's not to trust?

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Tyrion was sent to King's Landing to help rule, but he first must gain entrance to Cersei's council meeting. In his way is pop singer turned actress turned Kingsguard Mandy Moore, who doesn't really obey Tyrion as much as the two dudes with swords that Tyrion brought with him. Cersei isn't happy that her father named Tyrion Hand, but she can't really do anything about it, as her actual power lies in Tywin's army, not Joffrey's title. Tyrion immediately dismisses the council and tells Cersei that he has a plan to get Jaime back by trading Sansa for him. Robb probably loves his sister, but he would have to be beyond stupid to trade Jaime for her. She doesn't even have a wolf anymore. If I were Robb I'd offer to trade Jaime back for half of Tywin (the upper half) and half of Cersei (the lower half). That way the Lannisters are deprived of their two greatest assets. Brilliant, I know.

We also found out that Joffrey just arbitrarily decided to execute Ned, despite agreeing to allow post-confession Eddard to go to the Wall. Joffrey apparently didn't even tell anyone, and on the day of the pardoning just decided "meh, let's execute him" as if he changed his mind about ordering eggs or pancakes. Cersei can't control him, sounds like one of those parents who just proclaims "what am I going to do with him!?" as if she had nothing to do with the fact that her son turned into a gigantic asshole. What Joffrey needs is a good old fashioned spanking, and Tyrion thinks he's the one that can do it.

Tyrion gets triple slapped for making twincest jokes, but knowing Tyrion, he probably likes it so its win win win. Tyrion goes off to clean up the city, using the patented two step Tyrion motivational technique: 1) make joke, 2) threaten death. Tyrion makes his way to his clansmen and Shae and has a WTF VARYS moment. The dickless King's Landing TMZ already knows everything. After delivering the "I know about your whore" threat, Varys leaves and Tyrion gets down to business with Shae. And by that I mean they have boring sex that totally does not live up to the potential a dwarf-prostitute pairing. Tyrion's falling in love. Again. With a whore. Again. Sigh. When will that dwarf ever learn?

Prologue • Arya

The prologue opens at Dragonstone, home of King Bob's brother and rightful king, Stan. Though that doesn't really make sense to me, because Bob had that blacksmith son right? Anyway, we meet Stan's ugly kid, his annoying clown, and his smuggler knight all through the eyes of his old maester. Cressen sees a big red comet in the sky, but he's not that worried. Why should he be? It's not like the comet is an omen of the return of a vengful princess with three newly hatched dragons or anything.

Stan does not have the men or resources to challenge the Lannisters, but he refuses Cressen's advice to seek allies and aid from the other declared "kings" like Robb. But Stan does have his very own Pocahontas, a "red woman" who is hot, magical, and fanatically devoted to her religion. To Cressen, a man of science, this can only mean one thing: that bitch is crazy. Naturally, the only solution is to assassinate her at dinner. But weak old Cressen oversleeps. He really should have told Pylos to wake him, but Pylos was probably busy doing things old men like Cressen can't do. What Cressen needed were some additional Pylos.

Cressen shows up late but still goes through with his plan to poison Melisandre. Both of them drink the spiked wine. But she isn't just an ordinary red woman from Asshair, she got some skills. Around her neck is a mint condition Mox Ruby, and depending on the set, she could ebay that thing for at least 500 bucks. The ruby somehow protects her from the poison, but rubyless Cressen is not so lucky. R'hllor 1, Citadel 0.

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Arya is traveling north with Yoren. This guy is either her guardian angel, or just someone who really, really likes boys. Yoren has to go all the way to the Wall with the dregs of King's Landing. I'm sure it makes everyone sleep easy knowing that criminals and orphans are standing guard against the ghosts with superpowers. The other orphans make fun of Arya, but she kicks one of their asses with a wooden sword, drawing a spanking from Yoren. Sometimes, it's easy to forget how young Arya is. At age nine, she has already seen so much. Her brother was crippled, her friend was murdered, and her father was executed. She's killed someone. But she's also a scared little girl who just misses her family. The road won't be easy, and the Wall is cold and unforgiving, but at least Jon will be there.

Starting Clash of Kings

I've started reading Clash of Kings. I was going to wait until summer, but instead decided to start now. Since I'm in school, the pace will be very slow. Very, very slow. Like Fat Sam running a marathon slow or Sansa taking the SAT slow. I may die of old age before I write the last entry. Don't worry though, if that happens, I'll have Brandon Sanderson finish the blog for me. That way you'll get three more blog entries and my blog gets triple the hits. Everybody wins.

It's been three months since I read the last book, and I had to study the appendix for quite a while to re-familiarize myself with some of the more minor characters. Here's my all-knowing, Varys-esque summary of the major POVs.

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Bran watched Jaime and Cersei have sex, got pushed out a window, and now can't walk. He has weird dreams and is boring. He has a wolf named "Summer." I know that's a girl's name, but the wolf is a dude and not girly at all.

Catelyn arrested Tyrion for attempting to whack Bran, which started a chain of events that ended in her husband's death. She's hanging out with her son Robb, the newly crowned "King of the North."

Daenerys was formerly a princess but was sold to The Rock in exchange for a large army. She lost her warlord husband and unborn son to dark magic, but managed to hatch some dragons.

Eddard went south to help his buddy Bob rule the kingdom, but due to his low political IQ, he failed miserably. He confessed to all these crimes he didn't commit... and got beheaded anyway.

Jon is the bastard author of the most popular emo blog in Westeros. He's at the Wall, adopting fat lordlings and protecting the realm from the magical dudes from the prologue.

Arya was training to be a Jedi but had to flee the castle when her father got arrested. She's on her way north with Yoren.

Tyrion narrowly escaped execution in the Vale. Now that his brother Jaime is captured, his father Tywin sent him to King's Landing to rule. Tyrion brings his whore, because that's how he rolls.

Sansa is the only Stark left in King's Landing. She's regularly abused by Joffrey and she doesn't escape because she's basically useless. The Hound has a crush on her, kind of like Beauty and the Beast. Only the Beast is a tall murderer with a burned face and Beauty is a vapid preteen.

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Warning: spoilers for Game of Thrones above. My first post with the Clash of Kings prologue and first chapter will come soon.

Clash of Kings and What's Next

When I started this blog I thought it'd be easy to just zip through the books and write my thoughts on each chapter. Unfortunately it's not like that. My experience with this series has become more and more dominated by the writing of entries rather than just reading chapters. It'd be nice to just read without having to stop and write each time, even though I will really enjoy rereading this blog. I've also returned to school, and I simply don't have the time or energy to continue regularly updating this blog beyond a snails pace.

Thus, this blog is on hiatus. I won't be posting new entries for Clash of Kings -- I won't even be reading the book. Once break comes around, when I'm refreshed and have some more time, I'll probably pick it up again. Some of you may ask, "how can you wait so long to find out what happens??" Well, I confess there were moments in Game when I really just wanted to zip through it. But this blog has really made me a rather patient and meticulous person -- I was never more than one or two chapters ahead of where I was writing. Its surprisingly easy to stop here and not pick up Clash, especially knowing this series isn't completed yet.

Thanks to everyone for reading (and sending me feedback emails), without you I wouldn't have finished this blog. When I started, I never thought I'd get so many readers and comments on every entry. I hope you guys come back when I start this up again.

Game of Thrones Disney Awards

The anti-Martin universe has to be the world of Disney movies. There are very clearly drawn good and bad guys. There's no rape, murder, incest, or blood. The main character always lives and there's always a happy ending. So what better way to summarize this book than through a Disney-inspired award show?

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The "Pinocchio" Award for Most Incompetent Liar

Eddard Stark. He could not be more horrible at playing the Game of Thrones. Eddard is that guy who throws rock forty times in a row. Could you imagine him playing poker? "Cersei, I am going to bluff you next hand."

The "Sebastian-Iago" Award for Annoying Talkative Animal

Mormont's raven. Seriously, shut up. We get it, you repeat what people say.

The "Fantasia" Award for Trippy Sequence

Bran's crow dream. This kid would make a killing selling that weed. Plus there's no way cops would pat down a cripple.

The "Dumbo" Award for Useful Facial Deformity

The Hound's burned face. Nobody fucks with him.

The "Bambi" Award for Most Traumatic Childhood

Bran Stark, by a mile. He witnesses an execution, watches incest, gets pushed out a window, becomes crippled, is held hostage by criminals, parts with everyone in his family, gives up on his childhood dreams to become a knight, and has creepy crow nightmares.

The "Cinderella" Award for Clock Striking Midnight

Sansa, when she realized life isn't a song. Imagine Cinderella retold in King's Landing. Joffrey meets his dream girl at the tournament ball. After charming her, he has the Kingsguard beat her. When she escapes at midnight, he searches the entire village for the girl with a black eye.

The "Alice in Wonderland" Award for Overwhelmed Character

Eddard Stark. It's exactly like the Alice story, only if Alice was actually beheaded at the end.

The "Peter Pan" Award for Never Growing Up

Rickon Stark. He's already four years old and can't even swordfight yet. However, he can speak with dead relatives, predict the future, and hangs out in underground crypts.

The "Snow White" Dwarf Sex Award

Obviously Tyrion. He's horny all the time. For a 1930's movie, Snow White would make quite a porn film. A pure, innocent virgin lives with seven male dwarves -- you can't make up a more kinky scenario. Walt Disney was a closet pervert, and I'm convinced Martin is too. Top three names if Tyrion was a dwarf in Snow White? (1) Ugly, (2) Wealthy, (3) Horny.

The "Winnie the Pooh" Award for Jolly Stupid Fat Guy

King Robert Baratheon. The guy completely mails it in for his reign, even failing to realize his kids look nothing like him.

The "Little Mermaid" Award for Lack of Walking Ability

Bran. He's crippled. Also Othor. Disney should remake the movie and instead call it The Little Finger, an inspiring tale of a commoner who dreams of climbing the treacherous King's Landing social ladder to woo the woman he loves by creepily stalking her daughter.

The "Beauty and the Beast" Award for Deviant Sexual Fetish

Cersei and Jaime. Twincest is the best put your sister to the test. I wonder what Cersei would think if she saw her kids doing what she and Jaime did.

The "Jafar" Deceptive Wizard Award

Three way tie. First, Mirri Maz Duur for tricking Dany into letting her kill Drogo and Dany's son. Second, Varys for his seemingly magical (but really child labor powered) all-knowing capabilities. And last but not least, Littlefinger for his cunning manipulation of the City Watch, Eddard, and young Catelyn's panties.

The "Magic Carpet" Award for Craziest Escape

Arya channeling Barry Sanders and using Jedi mind tricks to escape the Lannisters. If the category was "craziest failed escape," it would go to Mycah, who would have to give a two-part acceptance speech. Rimshot.

The "Jasmine" Award for Hottest Princess

Tie, Cersei and Daenerys. I guess they both are technically queens, but I doubt anyone would care. Oh, and Maege Mormont. The senility makes it that much hotter.

The "Mufasa" Award for Parental Death

Eddard Stark. His son Robb just can't wait to be king.

The "Rafiki" Award for Weird Talking Old Master

Syrio Forel. I really hope he survived Ser Marilyn's attack, but knowing the brutality of Martin's universe, Arya will probably have to ID his severed head.

The "Pumbaa" Award for Best Wild Boar

John Wilkes Boar. Also known as the wild boar who snuck up behind Robert and gored his fat ass.

The "Pocahontas" Award for Worst Racial Stereotype

The Black Brothers. Because they are only comprised of bastards, rapists, murderers, and thieves.

The "Quasimoto" Award for Likable Yet Ugly Guy

Tyrion Lannister. He is so very awesome yet so very ugly. One day, he will find his Esmeralda, and hopefully she isn't a whore that his dad paid for.

The "Mulan" Award for Transgendered Individual

Two-way tie. Arya, for being so unlike her sister that everyone mistakes her for a boy. And Loras, for being so, so gay.

The "Genghis Khan" Award for Top 10 Biggest Badasses

10. Arya

9. Robb

8. Bronn

7. Littlefinger

6. Tywin

5. Direwolves

4. Syrio

3. Greatjon

2. Drogo

1. GREGOR

The "Happily Ever After" Award for Top 5 Happy Moments

5. Jaime gets captured

4. Robb wins over the Greatjon

3. Jon gives Arya "Needle"

2. King in the North!

1. Dragons sing

The "Wildebeast Stampede" Award for Top 5 Sad Moments

5. Lord Karstark's dead sons

4. Catelyn tells Jon "it should have been you"

3. Dany loses everything

2. Bran is chucked out a window

1. Arya watches Beheaddard

Catelyn • Daenerys

Catelyn seems to be keeping it together quite well despite Ned's death. She has a few words with her father, who inquires about Lysa and her uncle Blackfish. Why isn't Cat grieving more? Maybe she knows that she's free now to reunite with the love of her life and taker of her virginity: Littlefinger. They must have called him Petyr the Pimp, because he was organizing threesomes with highborn daughters when he was barely pubescent.

Robb and his bannermen have different ideas about what to do now that Renly crowned himself. Several of his men want to march and fight immediately, but the scared Frey guy wants to give Jaime back to Tywin and hug it out with the Lannisters. If I was that Karstark guy, I'd have beheaded that pussy Frey right there. Catelyn also argues for peace, but did she really think that these badass vikings would suddenly want to negotiate with GREGOR or Tywin just days after their sons died fighting them? Cat's "peace" is just another bad idea in a long, sad history of bad Cat ideas.

Fortunately, another solution presents itself. The northern lords are all proud guys. They don't like being subservient and they don't like taking orders, especially from a young boy. But winning battles is like miracle tonic -- it cures pride, ambition, and even dead sons. Much like the BCS, one simply cannot can't argue with an undefeated record. Everyone decides to collectively hop onto the giant, snowballing, wolf-shaped bandwagon that is Robb Stark. They all yell "The King in the North!" really enthusiastically, except Maege Mormont, who due to senility yells "The King of Winter!" Aw, nice try Maege, almost. Thus the North and Riverlands declare their independence, which is basically a gigantic "fuck you" to every single southern house, especially the Lannisters. But are the wussy southern knights really going to come up north and forcibly take the frozen tundra back? Maybe GREGOR will, but the rest of those pussies? I doubt it.

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I was waiting for Dany's chapters to intersect more than just tangentially with the main storyline, and it never happened. Now we're at the last chapter, and I'm still not sure what the point of this whole ordeal was. Dany has learned some tough life lessons from the Princess School of Grim Realities (other students: Sansa). She is finally making decisions for herself, rebuffing Jorah's suggestion that they run away to Asshair (basically perv Jorah's attempt at kidnapping her). Don't get into his pedo van, Dany! Walk away! Ultimately, it all seems for nothing, because Dany has gone insane. She's prepping for a huge, ritualistic Drogo funeral pyre. Well, at least MMD gets what's coming to her.

While the fire rages on, Dany decides to walk through it with her dragon eggs. Once she started to do this it was pretty clear what was going to happen. She wanted a dragon omlette, with extra Khal and a side order of naked princess and a slab of well done evil sorceress steak. Instead, she "gives birth" to three living, breathing dragons -- one white, one black, and one hispanic. It's on now -- the dragons are back, and their owner is pissed. The Seven Kingdoms are so fucked.

Tyrion • Jon

It's clear which of his kids Tywin likes best given his reaction to the news of Jaime's defeat. It's too bad his idiot daughter cut off the head of the only guy who could have been traded to get Jaime back. While Tywin stews, the Lannister war council reviews what happened at Riverrun. Basically Robb snuck up on Jaime while Tytos Blackwood "took them in the rear." Taken in the rear by some guy named Blackwood -- ouch. Tywin's little council is freaking out, even suggesting giving up. Perhaps Eddard will get his revenge sooner rather than later.

Also, Renly decided to declare himself King and Cersei wants Tywin's army to defend King's Landing. So Joffrey is the official king, but Robert has two brothers (Stannis and Renly) who both want to be king. Do they each have armies? Why don't they work together? Maybe they should have an election. Instead of dwelling on these questions, I focused on the much more important part of this chapter: GREGOR's new assignment of burning the river lands. I sense some kickass GREGOR SMASH action coming up soon. GREGOR even speaks in this chapter, suggesting that they cut the eyes out of every Lannister scout who failed to spot Robb's army. Blind scouts! I like it.

Tywin plans on sending Tyrion to King's Landing because Cersei and Joffrey "lurch from one folly to the next." You see Tyrion? Your father loves you. Or at least respects you enough to know your strengths... especially when his only other son is captured. Tywin gives Tyrion one last command: don't take the whore. It's actually good advice, because Tyrion seems to be falling head over heels for another pretty face who's clearly just after his wallet. But it seems like Shae's coming anyway. Tyrion is such a rebel, taking his personal whore when his father told him "no whores." Maybe he'll marry her, too.

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Jon's planning on going south to help his half-brother Robb. Despite all those heart-to-heart talks he had with Benjen, or that blacksmith guy, or Aemon, or LC Mormont, Jon still decided to break his vows to the Night's Watch. Jon reverts into full self-loathing mode, telling himself that he'll never be accepted anywhere. Look on the brightside Jon, you can own land now. And have sex now. Probably both, as one leads to the other. But if he gets caught, he'll end up headless like Eddard.

Fortunately for Jon, his friends show up and convince him to come back with a cheesy oath recitation. Jon returns, and it seems LC Mormont pulled a Varys, predicting that Jon would leave and then come back. Old Mormont gives Jon a stern, fatherly lecture: Jon should stay for a lot of reasons, but mainly because undead invasions are pretty bad. Mormont likes Jon because he realizes the power of giant magical wolves and all that superstitious stuff. Jon obeys, and vows he'll stay. Jon needs an agent, because he probably could've gotten Mormont to allow at least a little sex or land ownage. Not that it would really matter, since the NW is planning on marching north -- a plan that has "disaster" written all over it. Yes, let's take the handful of badly trained guys we have and leave the safety of our gigantic wall to fight supernatural zombies. That sounds like a great idea.

Sansa • Daenerys

Sansa was on stage when Ned's head came off, and it probably rolled to a stop just in front of her. Post beheaddard, Sansa for once has an understandable and non-idiotic reaction, grieving by going comatose in her room. She even fails spectacularly at suiciding out a window. Oh well, it was the thought that counts. Eventually Joffrey comes for her, because for some reason the Lannisters still want the marriage to go through. This time though Sansa is a tad less enthusiastic about marrying him. Obviously, Joffrey doesn't tolerate defiance, and treats her like Robert treated Cersei -- by beating her. Ah, good old teenage domestic violence. Except Joffrey is such a wuss that he can't even properly beat a young girl, ordering his guards to do it.

At court, Sansa observed as King Joffrey handed out extremely harsh sentences. Thus, Sansa shouldn't feel so bad, because Joffrey is clearly not biased against the Starks. He's just extremely pro-beheading. Joffrey is also pro-choice, giving a singer the option of keeping his fingers or his tongue. Joffrey muses out loud about whether their kids will grow up to be stupid like Sansa. I know Martin wrote that conversation as sort of a joke, but I see it as a perfectly legitimate concern. If my daughter were to take after dumbass Sansa, she would betray our family and cause my death. Not exactly grade-A genes there.

Joffrey actually shows Sansa her father's head. Sansa actually shows some backbone and talks back to him, but Joffrey does not hesitate to proxy Chris Brown her again. Sansa really should just stab Joffrey in his sleep or poison his food. Open defiance will just earn her more Meryn backhands. As her face swells up from the beating, Sansa remembers Petyr's words about life not being fair. However, the universe seems to know exactly who deserves what. Sansa betrayed her family the first time, and her wolf was killed. Sansa betrayed her family a second time, and now she's just a shell of her former self, living in her own personal hell. It might be harsh, but she brought it on herself. What will the universe do when Sansa makes her next blunder?
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Dany is starting to go crazy, obsessing over her eggs and dreaming about her dead brothers. Her baby Rhaego was born dead, with wings and a tail. It's clear what happened -- the kid was a half dragon half human. No wonder the Targaryens married each other. If Dany had sexed Viserys instead, maybe she'd be giving birth to a full blood dragon. Wouldn't that be cool!? It turns out MMD had to sacrifice Rhaego to keep Drogo alive, but MMD sucks at black magic and was only able to retain a vegetable version of Drogo. Vege-Drogo can't lead anyone because he can't ride, and just about all of his 40k khalasar immediately left, taking the horses with them.

Dany finally figures out that MMD didn't have the best intentions. "But I saved you!" Dany cried. That means nothing to MMD, because she watched all her people die. Besides, she had already been raped several times before Dany intervened. And it was doggystyle! Apparently, rape is even worse when its performed using a sexual position you do not enjoy. It makes perfect sense, as the Dothraki are accustomed to hot wedding dancers, not old ugly lamb women demon sorceresses. In the end though, MMD had the last laugh, because she basically killed both Drogo and his son. Dany is broken and miserable, and that night decides to put Vege-Drogo out of his misery.

Arya • Bran

Arya's loss of innocence continues. She can now add bird hunting to her impressive list of skills. Knifing stable boys? Check. Neck-snapping pigeons? Check. I don't know what's more disturbing, Arya's complete nonchalance at bare-handed killing or her struggle to stay alive in the ghettos of King's Landing. I suppose her desensitized analytical mind is a key to escaping traps like the fake Wind Witch, but it also means she'll never become the typical princess. Arya doesn't bitch or moan through injury, hunger, or despair, and the universe rewards her stoic endurance of hardship with a front row seat to Eddard's confession and stoning. Where is the karmic justice!? You won't find any in Westeros.

And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, Arya actually witnesses her father's execution. The whole sequence was very Braveheart-esque, with Arya watching powerlessly from the crowd and Sansa begging for his life on stage. Didn't Cersei understand that when word of this reaches Riverrun, Jaime's head is going to roll as well? Maybe that's what Cersei wanted all along -- Jaime was the only other person who could definitively confirm Joffrey's parentage.

Did I see Eddard's death coming? Of course! I spotted it a mile away. I can't believe Martin would be so cliche and predictable. Just kidding. I had no idea. I thought Ned would confess, be sent to the wall, and happily lead some sort of revolt with Jon's help. He's the fucking main character. He has POV chapters. You'd think Martin would at least let him die in his own chapter. Instead, Eddard dies right in front of his two daughters and his final POV words to the reader consist of a dickless spider offering him a choice between painkillers or Sansa's head. Eddard Stark: honorable, stupid, and now deceased.

EDDARD

So I finally confessed. Time to go to the Wall. Wait. Why is the executioner coming? Why is he picking up that axe? Why is he swinging it? What the f-

Even after this Arya chapter, I believed the beheading was fake using sleight-of-head. But the next chapter confirmed it: Ned was dead. He was now dead Ned. Or Deaddard Stark. Or Beheaddard Stark. When the Northern army hears about this, they are going to be so pissed. Bossman Robb and Widow Cat are going to flip out. Also, Arya is kidnapped by some weirdo creepy child molesting black brother who keeps insisting she's a boy.

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Bran watches the dregs of the North fight in their yard. Eddard and Robb took all the good men south so Ser Rod is left training the rejects. No legged Bran watches with resentful stoicism, aspiring to be a half-knight on Hodor's shoulders. But MC Luwin shoots him down, because unreachable dreams can break Bran's poor legless heart. This is the north, and winter is coming. It's physically impossible for Ser Santa to visit every Westeros castle in a single night. The Easter Bunny doesn't actually exist, as rabbits (even direrabbits) do not have the intellectual capacity to decorate and and deliver eggs. Babies are not brought by storks, but rather created when a knight repeatedly thrusts his penis into his maiden wife's vagina. Or when a Dothraki best man feels like mounting an unsuspecting female wedding guest.

Branstradamus wants to go to the crypts to talk to his father because he dreamed he talked to Eddard there last night. While most kids would go play games or watch a movie, the Stark children visit ancient tombs and dream about talking to ghosts. Osha comes too, because the North has a rehabilitative justice system, unless you're a black brother (racial profiling, it happens even in the North). In the crypts, they find little Rickon already there, waiting for Deaddard. Both Stark boys can see dead people. MC Luwin remains skeptical, until a bird from King's Landing delivers the news: like Bruce Willis, Maester Luwin is actually a ghost who died years ago and exists only in Bran and Rickon's imagination. Also, Eddard Stark is dead. That's no surprise though. The Stark boys already know because they can see the future. Can Bran and Rickon see if they'll survive the next book? I can't wait to find out.

Catelyn • Daenerys

Catelyn witnesses Stark-vs-Lannister Round 2. She remembers how she only knew Eddard for two weeks before he left for war, but that was enough time to knock her up. She has all those motherly fears of Robb dying, but she really shouldn't worry. Robb has grown a beard now, and bearded men are harder to spot and even harder to see. Robb will need it -- he's sneaking up on Jaime Lannister, who has no idea that he's coming thanks to the Seven Kingdom's version of a cell phone jammer (archers shooting birds down). I don't know why Cat is so worried. Win or lose, Robb will survive. He has a gigantic supernatural wolf protecting him.

The battle is a success, and the Starks have captured Jaime Lannister. But he's just a reckless sister-fucker. The real challenge is Tywin, who remains at large, like a child molester loose in the woods. Still, Robb beat half the Lannister army and can probably get Eddard back, as Cersei would almost certainly trade for her brother. This battle also proves that other than GREGOR, the southern knights really suck. The badass northern bearded viking men may be non-knighted, illiterate, and stubborn, but they know how to fight. Winterfell! Woooo!

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Drogo is dying thanks to MMD's poison. It's painfully clear to the bloodriders and even half-retarded Drogo himself that the maegi is bad news, but Dany is a dumbass and still doesn't realize. She even calls for MMD to treat the Khal after he fell from his horse, which is apparently the biggest Dothraki signal of doom and death. Its like an Irishman dropping his mug or a Chinese kid forgetting his multiplication tables -- when it's over, you just know.

Dr. Jorah shows up and diagnoses in five seconds that Drogo is as good as dead. Jorah advises that they flee and hide in Asshair. The bloodriders get pissed and start smacking a Duur, but Dani stops them because, well, she's an idiot. Dany is starting to panic, because once Drogo dies, the bloodriders will turn on them. Incredibly, through massive, incomprehensible stupidity, Dany decides that their best shot is to let MMD perform another dark ritual. Yes, that's right -- she's essentially letting Drogo's poisoner finish the job. Jorah should just bitchslap Dany and take control, but instead he fights the bloodriders so that MMD can finish her crazy incantation. Then Dany goes into labor, and her stupidity was so great that it became contagious, infecting Jorah and her handmaids. They decide to bring Dany to MMD, because who better to deliver a baby than a clinically insane demon sorceress?

Daenerys • Tyrion

Dany supervises post battle clean up, which involves little girls dutifully retrieving arrows from dead corpses. Khal Drogo had just conquered two other khalasars, and his men are happily pillaging and raping. Their victims are a peaceful agricultural village who are literally called "lambs." Drogo will sell all his captives into slavery, where healthy young boys and girls will fetch a handsome price. I assume this is where Varys makes his orders -- the Meereen version of Amazon.com, where he can get free super saver shipping on orders of 50 or more "little birds." Dany chooses this exact moment to start a women's rights movement, stopping several rapes. Drogo supports her, telling his riders to "find other lamb women" instead of raping the ones Dany chose to protect. Great job Dany, you "protected" a dozen women while several thousand others continue to be raped.

One of the former rape-ees is this woman from Asshai (yes, that's the actual name of the place, haha) who wants to help by treating Drogo's wound. The bloodriders don't trust her, but Dany does. Mirri Maz Duur was being raped, her people were being murdered, and she's some sort of demon sorceress, but other than those things, what's not to trust? The most damning evidence against MMD is that Martin spends far too many words talking about her for it to be a normal healing. Dany has experienced so much hardship and despair yet somehow remains far too trusting and innocent.

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Tywin decided to put Tyrion in the vanguard of the attack, which can be interpreted as a big honor or even bigger insult. Tyrion doesn't seem very pleased that he wasn't given command -- Tywin put GREGOR in charge. Did Tyrion expect to be the leader or something? Will men even follow him into battle? Also, if you want to survive a war, there's no easier way than to be the tiny dwarf who fights next to the largest guy out there. Despite this, Tyrion storms off, upset at his social status among Tywin's inner circle. Meanwhile, he has more important things to do, like entertain the whore that Bronn found. Her name was Shae, and she was a good actress. Tyrion "suspected" that her delight during sex was faked. Come on now, Tyrion -- you're supposed to be cunning and intelligent. I'd put the percentage chance of Shae faking an orgasm with the "Giant of Lannister" at roughly 800%.

The next day's battle came early. I like the way Martin writes his battles -- POV really makes it seem quite personal and less like the scientific "200 men move left" type of sterilized storytelling. Tyrion actually does decently in the battle, holding his own with the help of some luck. Half his barbarians died, but I doubt Tyrion cares very much. The important thing is that he (and Bronn) survived the battle. Afterwards, it turns out Tywin counted on Tyrion and his men breaking, so even in victory, Tyrion disappoints his father. The battle on the whole was a huge success, but it seems Robb wasn't there and is making for Riverrun instead. I'm not going to pretend I understand all the tactics and who has what army and where, but I assume Tywin thought he was engaging the entire Stark army but only part of it was here, so the Lannisters fell for some sort of fake out.