Friday, February 26, 2010

Jon • Catelyn

Jon wears gloves to hide his burned hand. He should wear one shiny glove like Michael Jackson, because they have so much in common already. Both had troubled childhoods, both are kind of emo, and both were ambivalent about being black. Gloved Jon finds Sam in the library cracked out on books. Sam has finally found his calling. I bet he can't wait to drop some cartography knowledge in the training yard. Some kid will knock Sam on his butt during sword practice and Sam will be like, "Yo fool, back in 1694 the Redwyne ranger scouted Lorn Point to Frozen Shore. Bitch."

The Watch is preparing to mass and go north to find Benjen, but Sam is worried that they will never return. Jon is confident that a few hundred ex-cons can fight the magical undead. Jon and Sam visit LC Mormont who is a cranky but funny old guy. There's some confusing history with lots of names. Cliffnotes: Aemon could've been king but actually turned it down because he made a vow. It was probably a good decision, as every king we've read about thus far has died in some horrible way. Mormont tells Jon all this because at some point Jon will have to make the same about keeping his vows. Jon promises to never break them, partly because he fancies himself honorable and partly because he a virgin and doesn't know what he's missing.
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Robb's a king now and is busy drafting a peace treaty. He makes all these demands but refusing to give up the only thing the Lannisters truly care about -- Jaime. While Robb is reciting terms, the Greatjon is apparently stuck in the last chapter of Game of Thrones because he can't stop yelling "THE KING IN THE NORTH!!" repeatedly. Anyway, much of Robb's badass northern army doesn't like this peacemaking. They'd lose it completely if they knew that Cat wants to take it a step further and trade Jaime for her two daughters. Come on Cat, you're a northern woman, and Jaime's family executed your husband. Robb should wait until it's dark and "accidentally" release Grey Wind into Jaime's cell. The next morning he can tell Cat it was an accident while secretly fist-bumping Lord Karstark.

Robb's clearly annoyed at Cat's nagging, so she leaves him to visit her dying father. She learns from her brother the Blackfish that the Riverlands are a chaotic mess. War, death, brutality, and GREGOR are everywhere. Robb has no options against Tywin, who sits in the Fort Knox of castles, Harrenhal, while another Lannister army grows back at Lion City. Cat and Brynden think their only hope lies in asking Renly for help, but I have a better solution.

"Looking 2 buy dragon
Reply to: THEKINGOFWINTER@coldmail.com
Wanted: 1 dragon. must be able to fly.
Offering: 1 direwolf, mint condition. not afraid of men.
Location: Riverrun
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests"

Robb should just post that and wait for xXxpRiNcEsSDaNy13XxX to respond. She can afford to trade, because while she has three magical dragons, she has zero magical wolves. However, going by rarity, a dragon is worth more than a direwolf -- exactly 1.33 times more. Plus the shipping for a wolf is probably greater. I can imagine Robb eagerly waiting for delivery then being super disappointed at the tiny dragon. Be more thorough in your product description Robb, you gullible newbie. Naturally, Cat would leave negative feedback. "Bad seller... dragon 2 small 2 carry son."

12 comments:

  1. Nice to read, as always! Ok, i maybe had a few laughs more at older posts, but who cares...

    Just one thing: Wouldn't the Eyrie more likely be the Westeros' equivalent to Fort Knox? Harrenhall's been more like, don't know, don't want to spoil anything, well, at least no Fort Knox for sure...!

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  2. Brilliant job as always - keen insight in some aspects (as you'll soon find out), but it appears you mixed one thing up. Brynden is Cat's uncle, Edmure is her brother. Keep posting your thoughts, they are a great way to relive the books.

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  3. THEKINGOFWINTER@coldmail.com

    ^^

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  4. Harrenhaal is like Dracula's castle.

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  5. Very fun, love your descriptions of emo Jon and I think this is the only place I've ever seen Jon compared to MJ.

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  6. "Both have mixed feelings about being black" : you, sir, just made my day. Keep it up.

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  7. So glad this blog is back up and running. Gives me something to read while bored at work.

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  8. Your commentary makes me laugh. This is a nice light hearted accompanyment to what is such a dark series. Keep it up, and thanks.

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  9. "War, death, brutality, and GREGOR are everywhere."

    Epic, as always. Looking forward to reading about your reaction to further chapters.

    Yosomono.

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  10. In case anyone here hasn't heard yet, HBO announced on Tuesday that they will go ahead with season 1 of A Game of Thrones. With the pilot episode already complete, they will now start casting for those characters not in the pilot. Filming should start in June, then the post-production stuff. Its expected to appear on HBO sometime around March/April 2011.

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  11. naturally, cat would leave negative feedback.

    ahahahahahahahah

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