Saturday, August 8, 2009

Catelyn • Jon

Walder Frey is the Hugh Hefner of the Seven Kingdoms. He's old, he has many wives, he's slow, and everyone operates on his time. His castle is called "the Twins," presumably due to his love of boobs. I'm calling it right now, once the war is over, Lord Frey is going to start up the first major porn magazine, rated NC-8. That's right, children under the age of eight won't be able to read it -- the harshest, most stringent rating ever given in Westeros. Question: What's the best way to cross the Twins? Answer: a motorboat. Haha.

Lord Hefner has quite an ego, taking a page from George Foreman's book and naming all his sons after himself. He wisecracks that Catelyn just wants to get him alone because she has "designs on his fidelity," and makes her jump through all the requisite hoops to make him feel big and important. It seems Walder and Hoster are not the best of friends, and in the only measuring stick that matters (number of sons), Cat's father simply doesn't have enough. Walder Frey must be a medical marvel to be able to still make sons at the age of ninety, and he is unimpressed by just about everything. But in the end, all it took to secure safe passage was a marriage pact between Robb and one of Walder's many daughters. Just like that, the northern host crosses the equator. To the south lies lions, battles, and Robb Stark's first real test.
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Jon hears that Robb is marching south, and that the rest of his half-family is either preparing for battle or already captured. Jon relives his battle with zombie Othor at night when he dreams about the undead corpse with Eddard's features, and during the day when he endures the pain of his burned and bandaged arm. It must be quite "hard" for him, to forswear women and also lose usage of his right hand. But Emo Jon doesn't return, because the Lord Commander gives him House Mormont's prize Valyrian steel sword "Longclaw." It was meant for Jorah but we all know he's kind of a loser, so Jon gets it instead. While a flamethrower would be more useful, the sword is an awesome, well-deserved gift. Jon's friends are impressed and clearly jealous, but then again they never had to fight zombies. Sam even had a greatsword named "Heartsbane" once. But rearrage that name and you get "he eats Bran," so Jon shouldn't let Sam near his little brother. At least not when Sam is hungry.

Jon goes to MC Aemon, and they have a heart to heart chat about decisions. You see, MC Aemon isn't just a blind man. He's the brother or uncle or whatever of the Targaryen kings that Robert hates. He's the Master Emo that even Jon can respect -- Aemon went from royalty and dragons to books and ravens without making even one blog post. And he says its Jon's decision to make; to stay or go. I think he'll stay. How much help could one extra bastard sword be anyway?

32 comments:

  1. Ah, the Freys. You got to love them.
    They do have a certain style, that is for sure.

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  2. lololol "he eats Bran".

    Other anagrams for Heartsbane:

    Banshee Rat
    Absent Hare
    Sane Bather (an apt description of Sam)
    Aha! Be Stern.
    Tsar Bane, Eh?
    Ha! Bear-Sent.
    The An Sabre (for the grammatically impaired)
    Bash Ten Ear
    Ban Her Teas
    He Bran's Tea (hmm, payback)
    Tense Bra? Ah.

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  3. I think LOLs are thrown around too much these days, but still this post gets two of them.
    Motorboat LOL
    "he eats Bran" LOL

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  4. Hey, if Larry King can do it . . .

    Also, I want to know how, with the end of the book so near, you can take the time to rearrange the letters in Heartsbane?!

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  5. the constant insertion of 'emo' is getting boring

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  6. Multiple laughs in this post: Lord Hefner, motorboat, usage of his right hand, he eats Bran. Great stuff again.

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  7. Ooooh...motorboat. The Twins. I didn't get that at first. I read all the "LOL"s and knew I had to be missing something. Finally got it.

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  8. Agree with Brude and others. Great stuff. Keep up the good work.
    -MLA

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  9. Hooray for motorboats!

    @ Anonymous said..."the constant insertion of 'emo' is getting boring"

    THAT sounds like a pretty emo thing to say ;) I love the comment about Aemon being the Master Emo. This whole blog is gold.

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  10. 'He eats bran' is simply golden. Am quite sure you're the first to have thought of that. Keep it up!

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  11. I personally found the correlation between Jon having to forswear women and losing the use of his right hand as being "hard" to be hilarious!

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  12. You are fat and you smell.

    I agree with the emo thing getting old.
    However I fully admit that I am old and beyond true comprehension of the whole emo thing. I wonder what "emo kids" were called in the 80's and 90's?

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  13. Goths and crusties I seem to recall.

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  14. No more AnonyKim posting petition.
    Go back to the Westeros forum or ToweroftheHand or where ever you came from. Oh wait I forgot they kicked you out of those to, well go to NAB and post there. (please) seriously when you are done reading this carry your ass.

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  15. So... what's so funny about twins and boat? I don't get it.

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  16. hmmmm.......dildo maybe????hahahahlol

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  17. Regarding the joke, see for example the entry "motorboat" in the urban dictionary. Why is it that in the internet's age people still can't help themselves?...

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  18. It took me a minute for motorboat to click, too. It is actually very funny.

    http://www.budurl.com/9nuf (urban dictionary definition)

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  19. Wait for it, men.

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  20. "He eats Bran".

    HA

    Are you sure it is Jon's cousin, Bran, and not the fiber laden grain, bran. Oh wait - its Sam....

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  21. You've gotta read The Hedge Knight after or right now. Bringing up Aemon just reminded me.

    Hope this makes it past your friend's strict scrutiny. ^^

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  22. I hope u enjoy book nr 2 as well:) im just done reading A clash of kings ;D and i cant w8 to start on A storm of swords. Peace.

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  23. The motorboat bit cracked me up.

    I can't wait to see "The Twins" on the HBO series.
    I'm hoping they look like they do in my head, now that I've read this latest blog post.

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  24. >Why is it that in the internet's age
    >people still can't help themselves?...

    Yeah, why is that the idiots who never bothered to learn another language wonder why someone with English as his second or third language doesn't instantly catch all stupid memes? :>

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  25. He has to have read "it" by now....

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  26. My favorite one yet!! Several LOL moments, you rock buddy!

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  27. "He has to have read "it" by now...."

    I wonder if he did and threw the book across the room and we will never know his reaction.

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  28. Well, how can Aemon not be the master emo? The middle three letters of his name are EMO.

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  29. Incidentally, Aemon is the (older) brother of King Aegon V, who was the father of Jaehaerys II, who was the father of Aerys II, who was the father of Rhaegar, Viserys and Daenerys. Which may give you a better idea of how ancient he is.

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  30. Without my books on me (they are packed for a move), I have no idea what the next two chapters are. I know we're close, but we can't be too close because I know the other storylines still have a ton of stuff to go (like Dany's).

    Okay, you know, I tried to be vague and I still don't think the blogger should read this comment.

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