Monday, July 27, 2009

Jon • Bran

Ghost didn't find Uncle Benjen. The severed hand belonged to the corpse of a guy named "Othor" who was a member of Benjen's party. Yes, that was his actual name -- Othor. Very subtle, Martin. Why don't you just name the guy that went after Bran "Lannistor." The Nights Watch men bring the corpses back to the castle because there's something weird about them. The bodies don't rot, and no animals but Ghost will go near them. When Jon gets back to the Castle Black, he finds out via raven letter about all the crazy stuff that's been going down at King's Landing. He can't believe that Eddard is a traitor, and almost knifes Ser Alliser when the knight makes fun of Ned.

Cue "Thriller" music! Darkness falls across the land, at midnite crawls a zombied hand. "Othors" crawl in search of blood, to terrorize Jon's neighborhood. And whosoever shall be found, but Jon's great white wolfhound. Jon and Ghost hear the horn's call, to face undead south of the Wall. The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of several thousand years. And grizzy ghouls from every tomb, are closing in to seal Mormont's doom. And though Jon fights to stay alive, his body starts to shiver. For no mere mortal can resist, the evil of "the Others."

And just like that, Emo Jon was no longer emo. Fighting disfigured, undead zombies justifies infinite whiny blog posts. As Othor attacks, the words of Jon's favorite band Dashboard Confessional echo in his mind: "let it end in flames; let it burn."
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Back at Winterfell, a huge army is massing to march south. I thought the Starks were badass, but their neighbors make them look like pansies. Everyone is huge, bearded, and fierce. But the loyalty of Eddard's bannermen was not a sure thing. Robb had to earn every bit, including having Grey Wind bite the fingers off Greatjon Umber's hand. All seem to hold honor, duty, and strength in high regard, the same qualities that doomed Eddard down south. Robb receives Sansa's letter, which is even more infuriating than her actions: it summons him to King's Landing so he can swear fealty to Joffrey to spare Eddard's life.

Bran goes to talk to Osha, the woman who tried to kidnap him a few chapters back. She's Stark-ified now, and dispensing cryptic northern wisdom. She warns that the old gods have no power down south, and that Robb is marching in the wrong direction. At that moment, naked Hodor comes sprinting out of woods. Hodor is the retarded giant stableboy. His "manhood swung long and heavy," and Osha comments, "now there's a big man." It's nice to see Martin isn't above penis humor, but it doesn't lighten the mood in Winterfell. Robb is leaving and may never return, and the two younger brothers remain crippled, Bran physically and Rickon psychologically.

Will the Starks get their happy ending? I hope Robb marches straight into the Red Keep. Remember when Joffrey said that sparring with tourney swords was a children's game? He told Robb to come see him with real steel. Well, he's coming now, and he brought the North with him.

31 comments:

  1. Things certainly are moving fast at this point, aren't they?

    Bonus points for performing 'Thriller', Westeros-style.

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  2. Othor/Other... How did I read through these books 3 times without appreciating the uh... Lack of subtlety there?!

    Above poster was right, major bonus points for thriller, heheh. Your posts just keep getting better and better!

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  3. Just for the record: Othor is not an Other, but a wight, a reanimated corpse. For some reason, I did not see that distinction on my first read.

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  4. I'm looking forward to Jon's upcoming talk with Aemon. You really learn to appreciate Aemon's sacrifice after that.

    Kevin

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  5. Lovin' Westeros 'Thriller' :D

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  6. I'm still enjoying....The Thriller poem was inspiring!

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  7. Just to chip in, the Thriller poem was awesome, and so are you. Great job!

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  8. I'm picturing Jon and some high school girl driving and running out of gas. Jon has a letter jacket on with a big "J" letter. He then turns into a weirwolf that's all white and eats the girl. But then their just watching it in a movie theatre. Cue the Westeros Thriller music.

    ....God damn that's a great music video.

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  9. You finally get to the one truly redeeming aspect of Jon's character: action.

    In some ways, Jon reminds me of Shinji Ikari from Evangelion. In battle, he's fucking awesome; never makes a mistake, never doubts himself, never lets things go to hell. In his personal life, it's the exact opposite and he sits around not caring about anything and whinging to anyone who will listen how hard his life is.

    The interesting thing is that they don't wind up the same way...but spoilers, lol.

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  10. Jason, meet the Greatjon, one of the most entertaining characters in the entire saga. If you thought the Starks were badass, now you've met the guy who redefines 'badass'.

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  11. This latest blog just shows how time can confuse a reader's memory. I could have sworn that Grey Wind "de-fingering" Greatjon's hand occurred in the second or third book, not in Game. Makes me wonder what else I have twisted around in the timeline. Color me embarrassed.

    Roland of Gilead

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  12. Thank for posting these. I'm also reading the book for the first time, although as of a couple days ago, I appear to have passed where you are in the book.

    I appreciate the smart, concise, and funny summaries of what is going on. It has helped make the book easier to understand and more enjoyable to read.

    -Icarus

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  13. This stuff is hilarious :-D
    Great blog, I'm looking forward to when you get a little further into the series.
    It's really nice to read these summaries, because I haven't read the books in a while and I have forgotten quite alot of the storyline.

    Othor/Other, I didn't even think about that.

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  14. Subscribed :) Also inspired. I may have to do something like this for the next book I read.

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  15. No new Power Rankings? Those are always fun.

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  16. AnonyKim, I'll have to correct you. Tormund Giantsbane is the definition of Bad Ass.

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  17. A duell between Tormund and the Greatjon would be fantastic. Let's hope they'll meet one day. xD

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  18. A fiver on the Greatjon, Tormund Giantbaby is going DOWN!

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  19. definitely update the power rankings!

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  20. Kim, Half his cock was bitten off, and he's still twice as long as any man. As we all know, all merit instilled in man is a reflection, purely, of his penis size.

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  21. Or all men THINK that their merit is purely a reflection of penis size, while all women know the truth - that the Greatjon can cut off Tormund's head while he's busy bragging about his penis.

    Umbers for the win!

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  22. Yeah, that's pretty much Jon's badass coming out. The guy's got guts for all his whinging. And the ability to take action! I love the Stark boys. And can't really blame Bran TOO much, him being crippled and all...

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  23. How can Grey Wind not make the Power Rankings? You gotta be kiddin' me. It was his finest hour. :-)

    Roland of Gilead

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  24. In this chapter: Grey Wind > GreatJon

    Also, Robb did a fine job handling all the bannermen.

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  25. Roose Bolton puts all other badasses to shame.

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  26. I don't know Anonymite, do you think that if the Greatjon bit off some of Grey Wind's paw, Grey Wind would laugh?

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  27. Hmm, until the Greatjon manages to do it we won't know.

    Seriously, of course the Greatjon is a badass and he dealt pretty well with being forcefully put in his place by Grey Wind and Robb, but he WAS put in his place thanks to Grey Wind knocking him over, disarming him and biting off two fingers.

    So, between the two of them, Grey Wind seems the more worthy of being ranked ahead in the Power Rankings, regardless of how TOUGH the Greatjon is.

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  28. Forget about whether Grey Wind should trump the Greatjon . . . Grey Wind isn't even in the Top Ten, that's what I find as the blunder. :-)

    Roland of Gilead

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  29. I think that it is safe to say that horse sized magical wolves are on a different scale of badassedness than humans, no matter how awesome they are. its comparing apples and oranges, really

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  30. seeing Jon do the moonwalk, then seguing into http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY1APSk0SS0

    Thoros of Myr

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  31. @Anon:July 30.2009;10:07AM two posts above...

    I don't think the direwolves are NEAR being the size of a horse yet.

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