Sunday, March 21, 2010

Davos • Theon

I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I've been busy with school and other stuff. Sometimes I may read a few chapters every other day, sometimes it might take a few weeks. I originally wanted to do the next few books this summer, but I couldn't wait so I started Clash early. Still, going slowly might be better anyway, because Martin doesn't seem to be finished with Dance yet. Stay with me though! I promise I'll get through every page.
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Davos was a smuggler turned knight. Kind of like Han Solo, if Han Solo had a bunch of kids, developed an inferiority complex, and had a man-crush on Admiral Ackbar. Davos shouldn't feel bad though, because this is fantasy. The smuggler farmboy / street beggar / ordinary girl always turns into a Knight / Jedi / Prince / vampire girlfriend. Davos watches Melisandre burn old, non-red religious stuff. Everyone is nervous, but I don't know why. Clearly this guy R'hllor knows what he's doing. He can give you a +50 defense buff against old maester poisoning. He can light swords on fire. His red wizards are smokin' hot chicks. But it seems only Selystache loves the bonfire. This must be what it's like when Tom Cruise tries to convince all the other Hollywood Stars about Scientology -- everyone mumbles their half polite, half terrified agreement.

Davos gets a recap of King's Landing events from Salladhor Saan, a smuggler slash trader slash banker slash notorious pirate. Meanwhile, Stannis plans to deliver hundreds of letters proclaiming that King Bob's "kids" are actually the product of twincest. Great start with the commoners, Stan. You are not only doing the first ever spam mailing campaign in the history of Westeros, but you're also laying the groundwork for future heredity lawsuits. Peasants, are tired of watching your siblings own land? Just sue them, because they aren't trueborn heirs! Call the law firm of Lannister & Lannister.

But Stan knows that words alone won't win him his rightful throne. So he's chosen his weapon, and it's red and flaming. In the Lord of Light way, not in the homosexual way. Sorry Dave.
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Another new POV! I had to look up a quick history of Theon before reading this chapter. Theon lives with the Starks, but he's actually a hostage taken to keep his father in line. He also kicks heads and is a bit reckless with his arrows. Robb has decided to send him back to his father to ask for help. I agree with Cat that this seems like a stupid move. Why would you willingly give up the one bargaining piece you have? It ends up not mattering anyway, as Balon doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about Theon, in the Randyll Tarly Sam Tarly you are not my son GTFO kind of way.

Theon's boning the captains daughter. She's trying to convince him to keep her as his "salt wife," but Theon isn't swayed so easily by the promise of a well made peppercrab stew. He then proceeds to teach her how to give a blowjob, Theon style (if she tries to pull away, grab her hair!). You see, like most royal sons, Theon is kind of a misogynist asshole. But the materialistic captain and his slutty gold digging daughter aren't exactly calling him out on it. Theon's mind is on the Robb's letter and what his father Balon would say. That's right, as Theon receives a blowjob, he's thinking about his father.

There's no trumpeting fanfare or welcome reception at Pyke. Theon meets his uncle Aeron, who promptly drops some seawater religion on Theon's head. Quote Aeron, "Men fish the sea, dig in the earth, and die. Women birth children in blood and pain, and die." These islands certainly seem like a fun place. Theon finally meets with his father, who immediately calls Theon a sissy girl. Come on Balon, be nice to the kid -- it's not every day your son thinks of you mid-blowjob. Things don't go well for Theon. He does not say the right things and his pitch backfires badly. Balon isn't going to attack the Lannisters like Robb wanted. Do you hear that? That's the sound of a father's rage, a burning letter, and a son's plan blowing up in his stupid asshole face. Welcome home, Theon. Robb shouldn't have sent you.

13 comments:

  1. Jason, I'm just glad that you're posting again. I love your take on the books. I've been rereading (for the 4th time) and stalled on ACoK, but since you've picked it back up, I've been back on pace. Hey, if we finish by the time GoT comes to HBO, we'll be in pretty good shape. Thanks for entertaining me!

    PS: Tom Cruise and Scientology is totally the religion of R'hllor.

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  2. "Hey father, i`m no sissy! Today some girl sucked my dick and i thought about you... Oh.."

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  3. Also, you should have mentioned Asha too. :D

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  4. Delete above comment. Asha has not been featured yet

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  5. Can't wait for hot Asha; I thought she was in this chapter though.

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  6. delete delete delete delete. haha jks just being anal dw

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  7. Hi Jason!

    I just wanted to say I as well am happy to read your posts again. I'm a lazy commentator and probably incapable of keeping spoilers to myself, so until now I've been just lurking. So don't get disheartened by an occasional lack of comments! There surely are plenty of us who just read and chuckle quietly... and think back the sweet days when we got to know ASOIAF for the first time :)

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  8. Han Solo would know better than to crush on Ackbar. It would obviously be a trap!

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  9. Fantastic simile comparing Scientology to R'hllor !!

    Glad you are 'blogging' again. I have learnt to accept the week long gaps in posts. Good work (as ever).

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  10. Spam mailing - big WIN! ROFL. :D :D :D

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  11. Han and Ackbar's love child for the win!

    Keep up the good work Jason.

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Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. I love feedback and comments, but please keep them spoiler-free. Enjoy!