Prologue • Arya

The prologue opens at Dragonstone, home of King Bob's brother and rightful king, Stan. Though that doesn't really make sense to me, because Bob had that blacksmith son right? Anyway, we meet Stan's ugly kid, his annoying clown, and his smuggler knight all through the eyes of his old maester. Cressen sees a big red comet in the sky, but he's not that worried. Why should he be? It's not like the comet is an omen of the return of a vengful princess with three newly hatched dragons or anything.

Stan does not have the men or resources to challenge the Lannisters, but he refuses Cressen's advice to seek allies and aid from the other declared "kings" like Robb. But Stan does have his very own Pocahontas, a "red woman" who is hot, magical, and fanatically devoted to her religion. To Cressen, a man of science, this can only mean one thing: that bitch is crazy. Naturally, the only solution is to assassinate her at dinner. But weak old Cressen oversleeps. He really should have told Pylos to wake him, but Pylos was probably busy doing things old men like Cressen can't do. What Cressen needed were some additional Pylos.

Cressen shows up late but still goes through with his plan to poison Melisandre. Both of them drink the spiked wine. But she isn't just an ordinary red woman from Asshair, she got some skills. Around her neck is a mint condition Mox Ruby, and depending on the set, she could ebay that thing for at least 500 bucks. The ruby somehow protects her from the poison, but rubyless Cressen is not so lucky. R'hllor 1, Citadel 0.

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Arya is traveling north with Yoren. This guy is either her guardian angel, or just someone who really, really likes boys. Yoren has to go all the way to the Wall with the dregs of King's Landing. I'm sure it makes everyone sleep easy knowing that criminals and orphans are standing guard against the ghosts with superpowers. The other orphans make fun of Arya, but she kicks one of their asses with a wooden sword, drawing a spanking from Yoren. Sometimes, it's easy to forget how young Arya is. At age nine, she has already seen so much. Her brother was crippled, her friend was murdered, and her father was executed. She's killed someone. But she's also a scared little girl who just misses her family. The road won't be easy, and the Wall is cold and unforgiving, but at least Jon will be there.

Starting Clash of Kings

I've started reading Clash of Kings. I was going to wait until summer, but instead decided to start now. Since I'm in school, the pace will be very slow. Very, very slow. Like Fat Sam running a marathon slow or Sansa taking the SAT slow. I may die of old age before I write the last entry. Don't worry though, if that happens, I'll have Brandon Sanderson finish the blog for me. That way you'll get three more blog entries and my blog gets triple the hits. Everybody wins.

It's been three months since I read the last book, and I had to study the appendix for quite a while to re-familiarize myself with some of the more minor characters. Here's my all-knowing, Varys-esque summary of the major POVs.

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Bran watched Jaime and Cersei have sex, got pushed out a window, and now can't walk. He has weird dreams and is boring. He has a wolf named "Summer." I know that's a girl's name, but the wolf is a dude and not girly at all.

Catelyn arrested Tyrion for attempting to whack Bran, which started a chain of events that ended in her husband's death. She's hanging out with her son Robb, the newly crowned "King of the North."

Daenerys was formerly a princess but was sold to The Rock in exchange for a large army. She lost her warlord husband and unborn son to dark magic, but managed to hatch some dragons.

Eddard went south to help his buddy Bob rule the kingdom, but due to his low political IQ, he failed miserably. He confessed to all these crimes he didn't commit... and got beheaded anyway.

Jon is the bastard author of the most popular emo blog in Westeros. He's at the Wall, adopting fat lordlings and protecting the realm from the magical dudes from the prologue.

Arya was training to be a Jedi but had to flee the castle when her father got arrested. She's on her way north with Yoren.

Tyrion narrowly escaped execution in the Vale. Now that his brother Jaime is captured, his father Tywin sent him to King's Landing to rule. Tyrion brings his whore, because that's how he rolls.

Sansa is the only Stark left in King's Landing. She's regularly abused by Joffrey and she doesn't escape because she's basically useless. The Hound has a crush on her, kind of like Beauty and the Beast. Only the Beast is a tall murderer with a burned face and Beauty is a vapid preteen.

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Warning: spoilers for Game of Thrones above. My first post with the Clash of Kings prologue and first chapter will come soon.