Blog of Ice and Fire

Sansa • Arya

2010-08-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I dread Sansa chapters. It's like double the work because the reader has to parse through her clueless observations to understand what's really going on. In this chapter, Sansa discovers a note left by the freedom fairy. Someone wants to meet in secret with Sansa to send her home. The "someone" turns out to be Dontos, the knight Sansa saved from a an execution at Joffrey's birthday tournament. Sansa is hopeful, even though the only thing Dontos accomplished thus far was to be demoted from knight to fool.

She later runs into the Hound, who talks all tough but seems like he's actually a big softie, because he doesn't do anything to Sansa even though he's very drunk and knows that she was up to something. Sandor even helps her slip back into the castle. But afterward, he rants at her about how dogs are loyal and how she is a bad liar and horrible person. His love-hate relationship with Sansa is hard to understand. I can't tell if the "song" he wants from her is sex or truth or something else entirely. It is super creepy though, can you imagine a gigantic hulking beast-man hooking up with a tiny girl? Oh right, that happened repeatedly in the Dany chapters already.

I have officially reached the point where I do not care what happens to Sansa at all. I don't care that she might escape or she might get punished with a beating. I don't care that she gets stalked by Littlefinger or the Hound. She's been dead to me ever since she lied about her awesome sister's fight with Joffrey and then ratted out her own father.

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Arya and the lost boys wander around the countryside, having escaped from the Lannisters. They go back to the site of the battle, and find almost everyone dead, including Yoren. The three surviving men quickly abandon the kids, who are forced to eat bugs and frogs and whatever else they can find. It doesn't help that Arya's companions are basically useless. Gendry manages to figure out that "Arry" is a girl, but when Arya comes clean, Gendry freaks out after learning Arya is a "highborn lady." He even bows and tries to apologize for talking about cocks. It's endearing and ridiculous for him to try to use proper manners after they've been through so much brutality together, and quite symbolic of how deeply ingrained the class hierarchy can be in the average peasant. It's also funny because Gendry is half highborn too, he just doesn't know it. As king, he could talk about cocks all he wants.

Arya and Gendry go on a date. Everything was going great: they sneak around stealing food, smelling dead bodies, and watching crows peck out the eyes of hanged men. How romantic! Unfortunately, they are interrupted and captured by GREGOR's men, who have no problem beating down little kids. Lommy, the injured kid who was whining about yielding the whole time, is executed. A GREGORman just calmly drives his spear through Lommy's throat because he didn't want to carry him. It was so casually done, as if he was at a fast food place ordering a cheeseburger. Poor Lommy. He was annoying, but not spear-in-throat annoying. As they are taken away by GREGOR, that argument Arya and Gendry had earlier about m'ladys seems so long ago and trivial. In a fairy tale, maybe Nymeria runs out of the woods and rescues them. But if this chapter has shown us anything, it's that war-torn Westeros is anything but a fairy tale.

Bran • Tyrion

2010-08-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

Back and Winterfell, Bran voltrons with a gigantic dim witted servant named Hodor. It sucks for Bran because he has to do all the annoying lord paperwork but gets none of the usual benefits. He can't joust or swordfight or climb or even dress himself anymore. However, not many knights get to ride a 7-foot tall Hodorse. If Sir Lancelot had a choice between riding an ordinary horse and Shaquille O'Neal, he'd pick Shaq every time. Despite this, Bran still gets made fun of by the douchebag Frey kids, and Maester Luwin shuttles him off to talk politics and business. The lesser lords are doing their best to sell Bran on their coins and ships, especially Fat Wyman.

Afterward, Bran hangs out with Osha. Apparently, despite an attempted kidnapping and murder, the Starks think it's okay to let Osha be alone, naked, with one of their 8 year old princes. Then the chapter talks about bastards and widows and other inheritance stuff that I don't particularly understand. Martin must have a huge excel spreadsheet to keep track of who marries who and who is lord where. Anyway, we learn that Bran has selectively blocked out the traumatic experience of Jaime shoving him out a window. But at the end of the chapter Cley Cerwyn discusses the Stannisfesto's twincest claim, which causes Bran to dream about the incident that night. The important thing here is not that Bran remembers, but that Mr. Cerwyn has successfully peformed inception. Cue loud foghorn noise.

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King's Landing is not doing great. Everyone fears that King Bob's brothers will march on the city at any moment. The Lannisters have enemies everywhere and daddy Tywin can only be in once place at a time, much to Cersei's dismay. Thus, Tyrion must set out and win alliances for the Lannisters, through letters and marriages and Littlefinger's cock. We get some backstory on Pedo Petyr, who turns out to be quite the social climbing businessman, multiplying the king's fortunes and debts while simultaneously inserting his own cronies. He also nonchalantly brags about stealing both Tully sisters' "maidenhood," though probably not at the same time. Littlefinger is attempting the rare mother sister daughter trifecta with Cat Lysa and Sansa, impressive. Play on, playa. Tyrion offers him a big castle, and that's enough for Littlefinger and his virginity stealing cock to be on the next ship to the Vale.

Next, Tyrion details his plan to give the Prince of Dorne the killer of his sister. I don't even know who Doran Martell is and had to look at the map to find Dorne, but the guy must be important if the Lannisters are considering giving up GREGOR. Supposedly Tywin ordered GREGOR to rape and kill Doran's sister and her child. While that does sound like something GREGOR would do, let's not convict an innocent man. Remember, we're talking about GREGOR here, who is not only a knight but also happens to be the single greatest academic mind in all of Westeros. Are we sure he killed Elia? Someone call Ser Johnnie Cochran.

Arya • Tyrion

2010-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

The bar exam is over, time to read and blog again, hooray! The past few months were awful, but I had fun on my bar trip and I'm excited to start reading again. I purposely left Clash of Kings at home because I knew I'd just blow through it on the plane instead of write blog entries. When I got back and finally picked up the book, I was worried I had forgotten all the characters, but after a few visits to the appendix I was good to go. It was much easier picking it up this time compared to my first hiatus after Game of Thrones.

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The Yoren train chugs north, looting dead bodies and acting paranoid. You know the situation is bad when the theives, rapists, and murderers can't even travel safely. Hot Pie tries to bond with Arya, but she's not having any of it. Aw, he just wants to be your friend, and he can bake pies for you. Eventually everyone goes to sleep behind some stone walls, but Arya's internal wolf alarm wakes her up right before the Lannisters arrive. They don't believe Yoren's Night's Watch neutrality explanation and attack. Yoren decides to fight instead of surrender, because surely a few new Night's Watch recruits can hold off a hundred fully armed men. But they do have the high ground, and momentarily execute a mini Helm's Deep, stabbing the Lannister guys as they come over the wall. In true Martin-esque fashion, no Gandalf comes to save them. Despite Arya's badass enemy face stabbing, Yoren's party is overwhelmed. Between the Lannisters and the fires, almost everyone bound for the Wall dies, but Arya and a few of the boys manage to escape. At the last minute, Arya decides to save those three dudes in the wagon, tossing them an axe. Surely, that's the last we'll see of them, right!?

At this point in the books, I know Martin well enough to realize that if a character has a careful, thoughtful plan at the beginning of a chapter, future events will almost always foil it. Additionally, things don't just go wrong. They go retardedly wrong. They go so wrong that the plan which sounded reasonable at the time becomes completely ridiculous in hindsight. So the instant Yoren decided to spend the night in the holdfast and sail up the river the next morning, I knew their little band of misfits were screwed that very night. In Martin's universe, plans are always fucked up. Examples: We'll just check out these dead wildlings and then head back to the castle. I'll just push this kid off the ledge and he'll die. I'll just marry my sister off and use her husband's army. I'll just buy the city watch. I'll just arrest and prosecute this dwarf myself. I'll just let this demon sorceress deliver my baby. I'll just confess and be sent to the Wall.

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The Stannisfesto has reached King's Landing, proclaiming Jaime and Cersei's incest loudly and proudly. Cersei wants all copies burned. Clearly, she doesn't know how spam mailing works. Littlefinger is smarter, and suggests counter-libel. Though in Stannis's case, it's not really libel, since the statement about Cersei's twincest was a) true and b) even if it was false, Stannis's actions don't meet the higher burden of proof for public figure defamation because he didn't act with reckless disregard for the truth. Stannis, if you get sued, hire me. Anyway, Littlefinger suggests spreading a rumor that Stannis's daughter was actually the product of Selystache and Patchface the fool. I have an even better rumor: Joffrey is the son of both Robert and Stannis. That's right, they had a gay brotherly affair. Robert carried the child to term, that's why he got so fat. Not only does that one-up Stannis's suddenly tame incest-only accusation, but it eliminates all the claim problems too as Joffrey is Stannis's rightful heir. Problem solved.

Meanwhile, King's Hand Tyrion is busy making gigantic chains for some sort of fat girl BDSM party. I'm glad to see LeBronn here, who decided to leave the Vale and take his talents to King's Landing. Soon, it's time for Tyrion to secretly sneak away to Shae. A wise man once said, sometimes, you just gots to get your freak on. Before that though, Tyrion has a quick chat with Varys about who leaked Joffrey's true parentage. But Varys feigns ignorance, and Tyrion is conflicted about whether the dickless know-it-all is his friend or enemy. I hope Tyrion doesn't end up dead like the previous Hands. He's so much more entaining and interesting than Jon Arryn or Eddard Stark.

Still Alive

2010-04-21T10:51:00.001-07:00

I haven't died. I love Clash of Kings so far. But I have finals until the second week of May, and I just have no time to do anything outside of studying. After finals, I will try to do a lot of reading and blogging. Then I have to prep for the bar exam (ewww) in late July. Terrible, I know. I'm sorry. But from what my friends tell me, the HBO show isn't out until 2011 and Martin isn't done with Dance yet. So anyone that reads this series is used to waiting. I hope you all understand! I shall return in a few weeks. See you then.

Update: No new entries until August at the earliest, possibly even mid August, depending on how long it takes me to recover from the massive hangover I'll have after finishing the bar exam.

Daenerys • Jon

2010-04-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

I wish there was a fast forward button so we could see Dany's dragons fully grown and kicking ass. It's like Dany has three winning lottery tickets, but she has to walk through a minefield to collect her money. Her measly band of khalasar leftovers drop like flies every day, following the red comet to Asshair. Dany wonders to herself if she went through the entire ordeal in Game just to die from heat exhaustion in the desert. Don't worry girl, writers generally don't kill off their main characters who they spent an entire book developing. Well actually, Dany isn't indispensable, but her dragons are. That would be a cool twist, if Dany died right here. The next POV would be "Drogon" and we would get 15 pages of "hiss meatttt hiss hiss." Instead, Dany and her followers find an abandoned city with figs and water. They're saved!

Jorah tells Dany about his relationship history. He clearly wants to sex up Dany so badly right now. And there's no better way to charm a princess than to tell her that your wife was so unhappy she left you to become the merchant concubine. I'll paraphrase the story. Basically, Jorah was a B-student who received a full ride scholarship at Bear Island Community College. But the day of the college entrance exams, he luckboxed a perfect score. Because of this fluke performance, he got into Lynesse University, the Harvard of Westeros. Tuition was $50,000 a year, but Jorah still went because DAMN that school had a hot young student body. Halfway through his second semester, Jorah flunked out and couldn't pay his student loans, so now he is wifeless and exiled. I suppose he had a chance to get in Dany's pants by playing the Sean Connery-esque suave mature older guy role, strutting around with his manly beard and repeatedly telling the khalasar "stay thirsty, my friends." But after the Lynesse story, and the creepy "she looked like you," Jorah's chances with Dany are as dead as Drogo.

The next morning, Dany decides to send out three riders to scout out the land around her. Two come back with nothing, but the third returned with three visitors from the city of Qarth -- a warlock, a merchant, and Quaithe "of the Shadow," whatever that means.

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Jon, Sam, and many more Night's Watchmen (including one guy named "Smallwood," haha) travel north to find Benjen. They find deserted villages, skeletal remains, and creepy giant trees. LC Mormont wonders why wildlings burn their dead. Really? Did you not get attacked by a zombie a few weeks ago in your bedroom? The one Jon had to burn to kill? Remember?? Old Mormont is becoming senile. Anyway, the NW rangers grow restless and uneasy after finding every town deserted. The LC isn't scared though, because they have over three hundred men, and thus they can easily deal with supernatural ghosts who can raise the dead. The only guy who isn't growing more scared is Sam, because he already max out his scared-ness the instant they stepped outside Castle Black.

Davos • Theon

2010-03-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I've been busy with school and other stuff. Sometimes I may read a few chapters every other day, sometimes it might take a few weeks. I originally wanted to do the next few books this summer, but I couldn't wait so I started Clash early. Still, going slowly might be better anyway, because Martin doesn't seem to be finished with Dance yet. Stay with me though! I promise I'll get through every page.

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Davos was a smuggler turned knight. Kind of like Han Solo, if Han Solo had a bunch of kids, developed an inferiority complex, and had a man-crush on Admiral Ackbar. Davos shouldn't feel bad though, because this is fantasy. The smuggler farmboy / street beggar / ordinary girl always turns into a Knight / Jedi / Prince / vampire girlfriend. Davos watches Melisandre burn old, non-red religious stuff. Everyone is nervous, but I don't know why. Clearly this guy R'hllor knows what he's doing. He can give you a +50 defense buff against old maester poisoning. He can light swords on fire. His red wizards are smokin' hot chicks. But it seems only Selystache loves the bonfire. This must be what it's like when Tom Cruise tries to convince all the other Hollywood Stars about Scientology -- everyone mumbles their half polite, half terrified agreement.

Davos gets a recap of King's Landing events from Salladhor Saan, a smuggler slash trader slash banker slash notorious pirate. Meanwhile, Stannis plans to deliver hundreds of letters proclaiming that King Bob's "kids" are actually the product of twincest. Great start with the commoners, Stan. You are not only doing the first ever spam mailing campaign in the history of Westeros, but you're also laying the groundwork for future heredity lawsuits. Peasants, are tired of watching your siblings own land? Just sue them, because they aren't trueborn heirs! Call the law firm of Lannister & Lannister.

But Stan knows that words alone won't win him his rightful throne. So he's chosen his weapon, and it's red and flaming. In the Lord of Light way, not in the homosexual way. Sorry Dave.

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Another new POV! I had to look up a quick history of Theon before reading this chapter. Theon lives with the Starks, but he's actually a hostage taken to keep his father in line. He also kicks heads and is a bit reckless with his arrows. Robb has decided to send him back to his father to ask for help. I agree with Cat that this seems like a stupid move. Why would you willingly give up the one bargaining piece you have? It ends up not mattering anyway, as Balon doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about Theon, in the Randyll Tarly Sam Tarly you are not my son GTFO kind of way.

Theon's boning the captains daughter. She's trying to convince him to keep her as his "salt wife," but Theon isn't swayed so easily by the promise of a well made peppercrab stew. He then proceeds to teach her how to give a blowjob, Theon style (if she tries to pull away, grab her hair!). You see, like most royal sons, Theon is kind of a misogynist asshole. But the materialistic captain and his slutty gold digging daughter aren't exactly calling him out on it. Theon's mind is on the Robb's letter and what his father Balon would say. That's right, as Theon receives a blowjob, he's thinking about his father.

There's no trumpeting fanfare or welcome reception at Pyke. Theon meets his uncle Aeron, who promptly drops some seawater religion on Theon's head. Quote Aeron, "Men fish the sea, dig in the earth, and die. Women birth children in blood and pain, and die." These islands certainly seem like a fun place. Theon finally meets with his father, who immediately calls Theon a sissy girl. Come on Balon, be nice to the kid -- it's not every day your son thinks of you mid-blowjob. Things don't go well for Theon. He does not say the right things and his pitch backfires badly. Balon isn't going to attack the Lannisters like Robb wanted. Do you hear that? That's the sound of a father's rage, a burning letter, and a son's plan blowing up in his stupid asshole face. Welcome home, Theon. Robb shouldn't have sent you.

Tyrion • Arya

2010-03-04T04:51:00.000-08:00

Tyrion chats with former City Watch commander Janos Slynt, who can't tell the difference between Arbor and Dornish wine because he's an uncultured dumbass. Janos was the guy who helped promptly execute Ned after Joffrey's command. He also sent a certain Mr. Deem to brutally kill one of Robert's infant bastards. I don't understand exactly why Tyrion is so pissed at this guy. Maybe Tyrion is just a nice guy who wants to have justice for Eddard and Bob's baby. More likely, Tyrion is just tywining up loose ends, and this guy is one of them. Lord Slynt acts tough for about ten seconds before Tyrion hits him with "I'm Tyrion from House Lannister, bitch!" Poor Janos is immediately deported to the Wall.

Afterwards, Tyrion and Varys talk about that riddle Varys posed earlier about the king, the priest, and the rich man. Something about how power is really a shadow but shadows can kill, whatever. Varys then proceeds to mentally fellate Tyrion with the "often, a very small man can cast a very large shadow" line. If Tyrion was smart, he'd whack Varys right now. Why? Because this guy is worst kind of threat. There are two types of power -- hard and soft. Kings and City Watch Commanders and rich Lords have the hard kind, capable of decreeing and ordering and buying whatever they wish. Tyrion can out hard power just about anyone with the wealth and power of House Lannister at his back. But Varys has no hard power. He's just a fat, dickless man who listens through the walls. However, Varys is the Bill Gates of soft power, and his all knowing information network is a far larger danger to Tyrion as Hand than any army of swords. Of course, Varys succeeds, convincing Tyrion to keep him around because Varys "serves the realm."

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Arya continues to travel with Yoren on the Kingsroad to the Wall. Everything along the journey is sunshine and rainbows. People celebrate in villages they pass, and every night their little group sits around a campfire and sings Kumbayah. Rorge makes smores and Biter plays the banjo. (This is not what happens). Martin seems determined to hammer home a theme that was prevelant all throughout Game of Thrones: life is not fair. Good characters are born as bastards or as dwarves or into slavery, while bad characters get wealth, power, and beauty. The honorable guys don't always win in the end, and the douchebag assholes sometimes never get what they deserve. In a perfect world, Yoren and his guys would get free drinks all the way to the Wall and Arya would get a hug from Jon. But not in Martin's universe.

The situation in the Riverlands is harsh and horrible. Everyone is on edge and the group travels in constant fear. They avoid a group of wounded soldiers and even rescue the "please, please" crippled woman and her baby. We get plenty of description about her, but it's all for nothing as she dies the next day. The kids have to drink water that tastes like dead bodies and piss in front of wild animals. It's only a matter of time until Arya comes face to face with her direwolf. Surely Nymeria will remember her former owner, but I don't look forward to her meeting Yoren or Hot Pie or Gendry.

Jon • Catelyn

2010-02-26T06:15:00.000-08:00

Jon wears gloves to hide his burned hand. He should wear one shiny glove like Michael Jackson, because they have so much in common already. Both had troubled childhoods, both are kind of emo, and both were ambivalent about being black. Gloved Jon finds Sam in the library cracked out on books. Sam has finally found his calling. I bet he can't wait to drop some cartography knowledge in the training yard. Some kid will knock Sam on his butt during sword practice and Sam will be like, "Yo fool, back in 1694 the Redwyne ranger scouted Lorn Point to Frozen Shore. Bitch."

The Watch is preparing to mass and go north to find Benjen, but Sam is worried that they will never return. Jon is confident that a few hundred ex-cons can fight the magical undead. Jon and Sam visit LC Mormont who is a cranky but funny old guy. There's some confusing history with lots of names. Cliffnotes: Aemon could've been king but actually turned it down because he made a vow. It was probably a good decision, as every king we've read about thus far has died in some horrible way. Mormont tells Jon all this because at some point Jon will have to make the same about keeping his vows. Jon promises to never break them, partly because he fancies himself honorable and partly because he a virgin and doesn't know what he's missing.

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Robb's a king now and is busy drafting a peace treaty. He makes all these demands but refusing to give up the only thing the Lannisters truly care about -- Jaime. While Robb is reciting terms, the Greatjon is apparently stuck in the last chapter of Game of Thrones because he can't stop yelling "THE KING IN THE NORTH!!" repeatedly. Anyway, much of Robb's badass northern army doesn't like this peacemaking. They'd lose it completely if they knew that Cat wants to take it a step further and trade Jaime for her two daughters. Come on Cat, you're a northern woman, and Jaime's family executed your husband. Robb should wait until it's dark and "accidentally" release Grey Wind into Jaime's cell. The next morning he can tell Cat it was an accident while secretly fist-bumping Lord Karstark.

Robb's clearly annoyed at Cat's nagging, so she leaves him to visit her dying father. She learns from her brother the Blackfish that the Riverlands are a chaotic mess. War, death, brutality, and GREGOR are everywhere. Robb has no options against Tywin, who sits in the Fort Knox of castles, Harrenhal, while another Lannister army grows back at Lion City. Cat and Brynden think their only hope lies in asking Renly for help, but I have a better solution.

"Looking 2 buy dragon

Reply to: THEKINGOFWINTER@coldmail.com

Wanted: 1 dragon. must be able to fly.

Offering: 1 direwolf, mint condition. not afraid of men.

Location: Riverrun

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests"

Robb should just post that and wait for xXxpRiNcEsSDaNy13XxX to respond. She can afford to trade, because while she has three magical dragons, she has zero magical wolves. However, going by rarity, a dragon is worth more than a direwolf -- exactly 1.33 times more. Plus the shipping for a wolf is probably greater. I can imagine Robb eagerly waiting for delivery then being super disappointed at the tiny dragon. Be more thorough in your product description Robb, you gullible newbie. Naturally, Cat would leave negative feedback. "Bad seller... dragon 2 small 2 carry son."

Bran • Arya

2010-02-12T23:23:00.001-08:00

I almost forgot Bran still had chapters, and it took me a few minutes of digging to remember what last happened to him in Game of Thrones. Bran was just chilling with his little bro Rickon back in the crypts, mourning their dad. Recently, their wolves Summer and Shaggy howl all the time. Maester Luwin thinks its because of the gigantic comet. Their resident wise old woman Nan just casually asserts that the comet means dragons, but everyone ignores her. Luwin should take a hint from every fantasy book ever written: if a wise old woman speaks, she's always right.

Bran complains about his wolf dreams while Maester Luwin offers his cynical scientific advice. Luwin needs to realize that he lives in a universe where dragons and zombies exist. Compared to those, a kid dreaming he's a wolf isn't that weird. Instead, Luwin acts like Bran's shrink and basically writes Cat a prescription for Ritalin. The rest of the chapter is Bran dreaming he's a wolf, which is trippy and strange and frankly kind of cool. Wolf Bran is fast, strong, and generally awesome. But it must suck when Bran wakes up and realizes he can't walk or maul annoying children anymore.

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Arya witnesses the exodus of peasants seeking refuge at King's Landing to escape the war-torn countryside. Yoren's group instead travels north, stopping only to bury Praed. I don't know anything about Praed, other than that his name rearranged spells "raped." The group stops at an inn and we get some background about what's been going on. I think it's cool that Martin gives us a commoner's viewpoint on the war, as listening solely to leaders and council chambers dissociates the reader greatly from the grim, brutal reality. We learn that Grey Wind is helping build Robb's legend and Nymeria made some friends and now leads a giant roving wolf pack. Awesome. I suppose Arya could go searching for her, but that would instantly reveal her identity.

Arya meets the three chained guys in the back of Yoren's wagon. One talks a lot, one is vulgar and violent, and the last one is some sort of ogre-monster. Martin obviously wrote this scene because these guys will eventually be freed, so I am curious as to what happens when the chains come off. Maybe they'll be nice guys who will muss Arya's hair and call her "little sister." Or maybe they will, as Rorge so eloquently put it, "shove a stick up her bunghole." Arya certainly didn't help by punching Biter in the face.

Arya prepares to duel the Bull, but they're interrupted by the Gold Cloaks. They want "the boy," which turns out to be Gendry, probably because Cersei figured out he was Bob's bastard son. The City Watch guys are all big and bad with their swords and warrants, but Yoren doesn't care and tells them to fuck off anyway. A fight seems imminent, but the Gold Cloaks realize they are outnumbered and peace out, vowing to return. What's going to save Yoren's band of ex-cons when the Gold Cloaks come back? My bet is on the three chained guys or a giant pack of wolves.

Sansa • Tyrion

2010-02-02T02:24:00.000-08:00

Sansa's having a grand time in King's Landing as Joffrey's betrothed. She gets front row tourney seats, wears nice clothing, and has the honor of receiving the occasional royal beating. She's guarded by Arys, one of Joffrey's bodyguard knights who frankly is kind of a pussy. He compliments Sansa, talks about gossip, and even hits her with less enthusiasm. Come on man, grow some balls. How can you call yourself a Kingsguard if you can't even beat a teenage girl properly?

The tourney is quite lackluster. This time, there are no pretty boys like Jaime or Loras. There are no badass GREGOR-induced deaths or exciting Hound interventions. It sucks so much that Joffrey almost kills a drunkard out of boredom, but Sansa saves the poor guy. The incident all but proves that Joffrey is a psychopath. The kid beats his girlfriend, almost kills a guy for being drunk, laughs when his brother falls off a horse, and doesn't seem to remember that his "father" King Gored Bob died quite recently. The tourney is interrupted by Tyrion's arrival to the city. Despite Tyrion's kind words and gentlemanly behavior, Sansa doesn't trust him. I can't imagine why -- he's only a hideous dwarf with mismatched eyes from the family that executed her father. What's not to trust?

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Tyrion was sent to King's Landing to help rule, but he first must gain entrance to Cersei's council meeting. In his way is pop singer turned actress turned Kingsguard Mandy Moore, who doesn't really obey Tyrion as much as the two dudes with swords that Tyrion brought with him. Cersei isn't happy that her father named Tyrion Hand, but she can't really do anything about it, as her actual power lies in Tywin's army, not Joffrey's title. Tyrion immediately dismisses the council and tells Cersei that he has a plan to get Jaime back by trading Sansa for him. Robb probably loves his sister, but he would have to be beyond stupid to trade Jaime for her. She doesn't even have a wolf anymore. If I were Robb I'd offer to trade Jaime back for half of Tywin (the upper half) and half of Cersei (the lower half). That way the Lannisters are deprived of their two greatest assets. Brilliant, I know.

We also found out that Joffrey just arbitrarily decided to execute Ned, despite agreeing to allow post-confession Eddard to go to the Wall. Joffrey apparently didn't even tell anyone, and on the day of the pardoning just decided "meh, let's execute him" as if he changed his mind about ordering eggs or pancakes. Cersei can't control him, sounds like one of those parents who just proclaims "what am I going to do with him!?" as if she had nothing to do with the fact that her son turned into a gigantic asshole. What Joffrey needs is a good old fashioned spanking, and Tyrion thinks he's the one that can do it.

Tyrion gets triple slapped for making twincest jokes, but knowing Tyrion, he probably likes it so its win win win. Tyrion goes off to clean up the city, using the patented two step Tyrion motivational technique: 1) make joke, 2) threaten death. Tyrion makes his way to his clansmen and Shae and has a WTF VARYS moment. The dickless King's Landing TMZ already knows everything. After delivering the "I know about your whore" threat, Varys leaves and Tyrion gets down to business with Shae. And by that I mean they have boring sex that totally does not live up to the potential a dwarf-prostitute pairing. Tyrion's falling in love. Again. With a whore. Again. Sigh. When will that dwarf ever learn?

Prologue • Arya

2010-01-27T00:20:00.000-08:00

The prologue opens at Dragonstone, home of King Bob's brother and rightful king, Stan. Though that doesn't really make sense to me, because Bob had that blacksmith son right? Anyway, we meet Stan's ugly kid, his annoying clown, and his smuggler knight all through the eyes of his old maester. Cressen sees a big red comet in the sky, but he's not that worried. Why should he be? It's not like the comet is an omen of the return of a vengful princess with three newly hatched dragons or anything.

Stan does not have the men or resources to challenge the Lannisters, but he refuses Cressen's advice to seek allies and aid from the other declared "kings" like Robb. But Stan does have his very own Pocahontas, a "red woman" who is hot, magical, and fanatically devoted to her religion. To Cressen, a man of science, this can only mean one thing: that bitch is crazy. Naturally, the only solution is to assassinate her at dinner. But weak old Cressen oversleeps. He really should have told Pylos to wake him, but Pylos was probably busy doing things old men like Cressen can't do. What Cressen needed were some additional Pylos.

Cressen shows up late but still goes through with his plan to poison Melisandre. Both of them drink the spiked wine. But she isn't just an ordinary red woman from Asshair, she got some skills. Around her neck is a mint condition Mox Ruby, and depending on the set, she could ebay that thing for at least 500 bucks. The ruby somehow protects her from the poison, but rubyless Cressen is not so lucky. R'hllor 1, Citadel 0.

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Arya is traveling north with Yoren. This guy is either her guardian angel, or just someone who really, really likes boys. Yoren has to go all the way to the Wall with the dregs of King's Landing. I'm sure it makes everyone sleep easy knowing that criminals and orphans are standing guard against the ghosts with superpowers. The other orphans make fun of Arya, but she kicks one of their asses with a wooden sword, drawing a spanking from Yoren. Sometimes, it's easy to forget how young Arya is. At age nine, she has already seen so much. Her brother was crippled, her friend was murdered, and her father was executed. She's killed someone. But she's also a scared little girl who just misses her family. The road won't be easy, and the Wall is cold and unforgiving, but at least Jon will be there.

Starting Clash of Kings

2010-01-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've started reading Clash of Kings. I was going to wait until summer, but instead decided to start now. Since I'm in school, the pace will be very slow. Very, very slow. Like Fat Sam running a marathon slow or Sansa taking the SAT slow. I may die of old age before I write the last entry. Don't worry though, if that happens, I'll have Brandon Sanderson finish the blog for me. That way you'll get three more blog entries and my blog gets triple the hits. Everybody wins.

It's been three months since I read the last book, and I had to study the appendix for quite a while to re-familiarize myself with some of the more minor characters. Here's my all-knowing, Varys-esque summary of the major POVs.

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Bran watched Jaime and Cersei have sex, got pushed out a window, and now can't walk. He has weird dreams and is boring. He has a wolf named "Summer." I know that's a girl's name, but the wolf is a dude and not girly at all.

Catelyn arrested Tyrion for attempting to whack Bran, which started a chain of events that ended in her husband's death. She's hanging out with her son Robb, the newly crowned "King of the North."

Daenerys was formerly a princess but was sold to The Rock in exchange for a large army. She lost her warlord husband and unborn son to dark magic, but managed to hatch some dragons.

Eddard went south to help his buddy Bob rule the kingdom, but due to his low political IQ, he failed miserably. He confessed to all these crimes he didn't commit... and got beheaded anyway.

Jon is the bastard author of the most popular emo blog in Westeros. He's at the Wall, adopting fat lordlings and protecting the realm from the magical dudes from the prologue.

Arya was training to be a Jedi but had to flee the castle when her father got arrested. She's on her way north with Yoren.

Tyrion narrowly escaped execution in the Vale. Now that his brother Jaime is captured, his father Tywin sent him to King's Landing to rule. Tyrion brings his whore, because that's how he rolls.

Sansa is the only Stark left in King's Landing. She's regularly abused by Joffrey and she doesn't escape because she's basically useless. The Hound has a crush on her, kind of like Beauty and the Beast. Only the Beast is a tall murderer with a burned face and Beauty is a vapid preteen.

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Warning: spoilers for Game of Thrones above. My first post with the Clash of Kings prologue and first chapter will come soon.

Clash of Kings and What's Next

2009-09-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog I thought it'd be easy to just zip through the books and write my thoughts on each chapter. Unfortunately it's not like that. My experience with this series has become more and more dominated by the writing of entries rather than just reading chapters. It'd be nice to just read without having to stop and write each time, even though I will really enjoy rereading this blog. I've also returned to school, and I simply don't have the time or energy to continue regularly updating this blog beyond a snails pace.

Thus, this blog is on hiatus. I won't be posting new entries for Clash of Kings -- I won't even be reading the book. Once break comes around, when I'm refreshed and have some more time, I'll probably pick it up again. Some of you may ask, "how can you wait so long to find out what happens??" Well, I confess there were moments in Game when I really just wanted to zip through it. But this blog has really made me a rather patient and meticulous person -- I was never more than one or two chapters ahead of where I was writing. Its surprisingly easy to stop here and not pick up Clash, especially knowing this series isn't completed yet.

Thanks to everyone for reading (and sending me feedback emails), without you I wouldn't have finished this blog. When I started, I never thought I'd get so many readers and comments on every entry. I hope you guys come back when I start this up again.

Game of Thrones Disney Awards

2009-09-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

The anti-Martin universe has to be the world of Disney movies. There are very clearly drawn good and bad guys. There's no rape, murder, incest, or blood. The main character always lives and there's always a happy ending. So what better way to summarize this book than through a Disney-inspired award show?

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The "Pinocchio" Award for Most Incompetent Liar

Eddard Stark. He could not be more horrible at playing the Game of Thrones. Eddard is that guy who throws rock forty times in a row. Could you imagine him playing poker? "Cersei, I am going to bluff you next hand."

The "Sebastian-Iago" Award for Annoying Talkative Animal

Mormont's raven. Seriously, shut up. We get it, you repeat what people say.

The "Fantasia" Award for Trippy Sequence

Bran's crow dream. This kid would make a killing selling that weed. Plus there's no way cops would pat down a cripple.

The "Dumbo" Award for Useful Facial Deformity

The Hound's burned face. Nobody fucks with him.

The "Bambi" Award for Most Traumatic Childhood

Bran Stark, by a mile. He witnesses an execution, watches incest, gets pushed out a window, becomes crippled, is held hostage by criminals, parts with everyone in his family, gives up on his childhood dreams to become a knight, and has creepy crow nightmares.

The "Cinderella" Award for Clock Striking Midnight

Sansa, when she realized life isn't a song. Imagine Cinderella retold in King's Landing. Joffrey meets his dream girl at the tournament ball. After charming her, he has the Kingsguard beat her. When she escapes at midnight, he searches the entire village for the girl with a black eye.

The "Alice in Wonderland" Award for Overwhelmed Character

Eddard Stark. It's exactly like the Alice story, only if Alice was actually beheaded at the end.

The "Peter Pan" Award for Never Growing Up

Rickon Stark. He's already four years old and can't even swordfight yet. However, he can speak with dead relatives, predict the future, and hangs out in underground crypts.

The "Snow White" Dwarf Sex Award

Obviously Tyrion. He's horny all the time. For a 1930's movie, Snow White would make quite a porn film. A pure, innocent virgin lives with seven male dwarves -- you can't make up a more kinky scenario. Walt Disney was a closet pervert, and I'm convinced Martin is too. Top three names if Tyrion was a dwarf in Snow White? (1) Ugly, (2) Wealthy, (3) Horny.

The "Winnie the Pooh" Award for Jolly Stupid Fat Guy

King Robert Baratheon. The guy completely mails it in for his reign, even failing to realize his kids look nothing like him.

The "Little Mermaid" Award for Lack of Walking Ability

Bran. He's crippled. Also Othor. Disney should remake the movie and instead call it The Little Finger, an inspiring tale of a commoner who dreams of climbing the treacherous King's Landing social ladder to woo the woman he loves by creepily stalking her daughter.

The "Beauty and the Beast" Award for Deviant Sexual Fetish

Cersei and Jaime. Twincest is the best put your sister to the test. I wonder what Cersei would think if she saw her kids doing what she and Jaime did.

The "Jafar" Deceptive Wizard Award

Three way tie. First, Mirri Maz Duur for tricking Dany into letting her kill Drogo and Dany's son. Second, Varys for his seemingly magical (but really child labor powered) all-knowing capabilities. And last but not least, Littlefinger for his cunning manipulation of the City Watch, Eddard, and young Catelyn's panties.

The "Magic Carpet" Award for Craziest Escape

Arya channeling Barry Sanders and using Jedi mind tricks to escape the Lannisters. If the category was "craziest failed escape," it would go to Mycah, who would have to give a two-part acceptance speech. Rimshot.

The "Jasmine" Award for Hottest Princess

Tie, Cersei and Daenerys. I guess they both are technically queens, but I doubt anyone would care. Oh, and Maege Mormont. The senility makes it that much hotter.

The "Mufasa" Award for Parental Death

Eddard Stark. His son Robb just can't wait to be king.

The "Rafiki" Award for Weird Talking Old Master

Syrio Forel. I really hope he survived Ser Marilyn's attack, but knowing the brutality of Martin's universe, Arya will probably have to ID his severed head.

The "Pumbaa" Award for Best Wild Boar

John Wilkes Boar. Also known as the wild boar who snuck up behind Robert and gored his fat ass.

The "Pocahontas" Award for Worst Racial Stereotype

The Black Brothers. Because they are only comprised of bastards, rapists, murderers, and thieves.

The "Quasimoto" Award for Likable Yet Ugly Guy

Tyrion Lannister. He is so very awesome yet so very ugly. One day, he will find his Esmeralda, and hopefully she isn't a whore that his dad paid for.

The "Mulan" Award for Transgendered Individual

Two-way tie. Arya, for being so unlike her sister that everyone mistakes her for a boy. And Loras, for being so, so gay.

The "Genghis Khan" Award for Top 10 Biggest Badasses

10. Arya

9. Robb

8. Bronn

7. Littlefinger

6. Tywin

5. Direwolves

4. Syrio

3. Greatjon

2. Drogo

1. GREGOR

The "Happily Ever After" Award for Top 5 Happy Moments

5. Jaime gets captured

4. Robb wins over the Greatjon

3. Jon gives Arya "Needle"

2. King in the North!

1. Dragons sing

The "Wildebeast Stampede" Award for Top 5 Sad Moments

5. Lord Karstark's dead sons

4. Catelyn tells Jon "it should have been you"

3. Dany loses everything

2. Bran is chucked out a window

1. Arya watches Beheaddard

Catelyn • Daenerys

2009-09-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

Catelyn seems to be keeping it together quite well despite Ned's death. She has a few words with her father, who inquires about Lysa and her uncle Blackfish. Why isn't Cat grieving more? Maybe she knows that she's free now to reunite with the love of her life and taker of her virginity: Littlefinger. They must have called him Petyr the Pimp, because he was organizing threesomes with highborn daughters when he was barely pubescent.

Robb and his bannermen have different ideas about what to do now that Renly crowned himself. Several of his men want to march and fight immediately, but the scared Frey guy wants to give Jaime back to Tywin and hug it out with the Lannisters. If I was that Karstark guy, I'd have beheaded that pussy Frey right there. Catelyn also argues for peace, but did she really think that these badass vikings would suddenly want to negotiate with GREGOR or Tywin just days after their sons died fighting them? Cat's "peace" is just another bad idea in a long, sad history of bad Cat ideas.

Fortunately, another solution presents itself. The northern lords are all proud guys. They don't like being subservient and they don't like taking orders, especially from a young boy. But winning battles is like miracle tonic -- it cures pride, ambition, and even dead sons. Much like the BCS, one simply cannot can't argue with an undefeated record. Everyone decides to collectively hop onto the giant, snowballing, wolf-shaped bandwagon that is Robb Stark. They all yell "The King in the North!" really enthusiastically, except Maege Mormont, who due to senility yells "The King of Winter!" Aw, nice try Maege, almost. Thus the North and Riverlands declare their independence, which is basically a gigantic "fuck you" to every single southern house, especially the Lannisters. But are the wussy southern knights really going to come up north and forcibly take the frozen tundra back? Maybe GREGOR will, but the rest of those pussies? I doubt it.

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I was waiting for Dany's chapters to intersect more than just tangentially with the main storyline, and it never happened. Now we're at the last chapter, and I'm still not sure what the point of this whole ordeal was. Dany has learned some tough life lessons from the Princess School of Grim Realities (other students: Sansa). She is finally making decisions for herself, rebuffing Jorah's suggestion that they run away to Asshair (basically perv Jorah's attempt at kidnapping her). Don't get into his pedo van, Dany! Walk away! Ultimately, it all seems for nothing, because Dany has gone insane. She's prepping for a huge, ritualistic Drogo funeral pyre. Well, at least MMD gets what's coming to her.

While the fire rages on, Dany decides to walk through it with her dragon eggs. Once she started to do this it was pretty clear what was going to happen. She wanted a dragon omlette, with extra Khal and a side order of naked princess and a slab of well done evil sorceress steak. Instead, she "gives birth" to three living, breathing dragons -- one white, one black, and one hispanic. It's on now -- the dragons are back, and their owner is pissed. The Seven Kingdoms are so fucked.

Tyrion • Jon

2009-09-07T17:45:00.001-07:00

It's clear which of his kids Tywin likes best given his reaction to the news of Jaime's defeat. It's too bad his idiot daughter cut off the head of the only guy who could have been traded to get Jaime back. While Tywin stews, the Lannister war council reviews what happened at Riverrun. Basically Robb snuck up on Jaime while Tytos Blackwood "took them in the rear." Taken in the rear by some guy named Blackwood -- ouch. Tywin's little council is freaking out, even suggesting giving up. Perhaps Eddard will get his revenge sooner rather than later.

Also, Renly decided to declare himself King and Cersei wants Tywin's army to defend King's Landing. So Joffrey is the official king, but Robert has two brothers (Stannis and Renly) who both want to be king. Do they each have armies? Why don't they work together? Maybe they should have an election. Instead of dwelling on these questions, I focused on the much more important part of this chapter: GREGOR's new assignment of burning the river lands. I sense some kickass GREGOR SMASH action coming up soon. GREGOR even speaks in this chapter, suggesting that they cut the eyes out of every Lannister scout who failed to spot Robb's army. Blind scouts! I like it.

Tywin plans on sending Tyrion to King's Landing because Cersei and Joffrey "lurch from one folly to the next." You see Tyrion? Your father loves you. Or at least respects you enough to know your strengths... especially when his only other son is captured. Tywin gives Tyrion one last command: don't take the whore. It's actually good advice, because Tyrion seems to be falling head over heels for another pretty face who's clearly just after his wallet. But it seems like Shae's coming anyway. Tyrion is such a rebel, taking his personal whore when his father told him "no whores." Maybe he'll marry her, too.

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Jon's planning on going south to help his half-brother Robb. Despite all those heart-to-heart talks he had with Benjen, or that blacksmith guy, or Aemon, or LC Mormont, Jon still decided to break his vows to the Night's Watch. Jon reverts into full self-loathing mode, telling himself that he'll never be accepted anywhere. Look on the brightside Jon, you can own land now. And have sex now. Probably both, as one leads to the other. But if he gets caught, he'll end up headless like Eddard.

Fortunately for Jon, his friends show up and convince him to come back with a cheesy oath recitation. Jon returns, and it seems LC Mormont pulled a Varys, predicting that Jon would leave and then come back. Old Mormont gives Jon a stern, fatherly lecture: Jon should stay for a lot of reasons, but mainly because undead invasions are pretty bad. Mormont likes Jon because he realizes the power of giant magical wolves and all that superstitious stuff. Jon obeys, and vows he'll stay. Jon needs an agent, because he probably could've gotten Mormont to allow at least a little sex or land ownage. Not that it would really matter, since the NW is planning on marching north -- a plan that has "disaster" written all over it. Yes, let's take the handful of badly trained guys we have and leave the safety of our gigantic wall to fight supernatural zombies. That sounds like a great idea.

Sansa • Daenerys

2009-08-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

Sansa was on stage when Ned's head came off, and it probably rolled to a stop just in front of her. Post beheaddard, Sansa for once has an understandable and non-idiotic reaction, grieving by going comatose in her room. She even fails spectacularly at suiciding out a window. Oh well, it was the thought that counts. Eventually Joffrey comes for her, because for some reason the Lannisters still want the marriage to go through. This time though Sansa is a tad less enthusiastic about marrying him. Obviously, Joffrey doesn't tolerate defiance, and treats her like Robert treated Cersei -- by beating her. Ah, good old teenage domestic violence. Except Joffrey is such a wuss that he can't even properly beat a young girl, ordering his guards to do it.

At court, Sansa observed as King Joffrey handed out extremely harsh sentences. Thus, Sansa shouldn't feel so bad, because Joffrey is clearly not biased against the Starks. He's just extremely pro-beheading. Joffrey is also pro-choice, giving a singer the option of keeping his fingers or his tongue. Joffrey muses out loud about whether their kids will grow up to be stupid like Sansa. I know Martin wrote that conversation as sort of a joke, but I see it as a perfectly legitimate concern. If my daughter were to take after dumbass Sansa, she would betray our family and cause my death. Not exactly grade-A genes there.

Joffrey actually shows Sansa her father's head. Sansa actually shows some backbone and talks back to him, but Joffrey does not hesitate to proxy Chris Brown her again. Sansa really should just stab Joffrey in his sleep or poison his food. Open defiance will just earn her more Meryn backhands. As her face swells up from the beating, Sansa remembers Petyr's words about life not being fair. However, the universe seems to know exactly who deserves what. Sansa betrayed her family the first time, and her wolf was killed. Sansa betrayed her family a second time, and now she's just a shell of her former self, living in her own personal hell. It might be harsh, but she brought it on herself. What will the universe do when Sansa makes her next blunder?
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Dany is starting to go crazy, obsessing over her eggs and dreaming about her dead brothers. Her baby Rhaego was born dead, with wings and a tail. It's clear what happened -- the kid was a half dragon half human. No wonder the Targaryens married each other. If Dany had sexed Viserys instead, maybe she'd be giving birth to a full blood dragon. Wouldn't that be cool!? It turns out MMD had to sacrifice Rhaego to keep Drogo alive, but MMD sucks at black magic and was only able to retain a vegetable version of Drogo. Vege-Drogo can't lead anyone because he can't ride, and just about all of his 40k khalasar immediately left, taking the horses with them.

Dany finally figures out that MMD didn't have the best intentions. "But I saved you!" Dany cried. That means nothing to MMD, because she watched all her people die. Besides, she had already been raped several times before Dany intervened. And it was doggystyle! Apparently, rape is even worse when its performed using a sexual position you do not enjoy. It makes perfect sense, as the Dothraki are accustomed to hot wedding dancers, not old ugly lamb women demon sorceresses. In the end though, MMD had the last laugh, because she basically killed both Drogo and his son. Dany is broken and miserable, and that night decides to put Vege-Drogo out of his misery.

Arya • Bran

2009-08-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Arya's loss of innocence continues. She can now add bird hunting to her impressive list of skills. Knifing stable boys? Check. Neck-snapping pigeons? Check. I don't know what's more disturbing, Arya's complete nonchalance at bare-handed killing or her struggle to stay alive in the ghettos of King's Landing. I suppose her desensitized analytical mind is a key to escaping traps like the fake Wind Witch, but it also means she'll never become the typical princess. Arya doesn't bitch or moan through injury, hunger, or despair, and the universe rewards her stoic endurance of hardship with a front row seat to Eddard's confession and stoning. Where is the karmic justice!? You won't find any in Westeros.

And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, Arya actually witnesses her father's execution. The whole sequence was very Braveheart-esque, with Arya watching powerlessly from the crowd and Sansa begging for his life on stage. Didn't Cersei understand that when word of this reaches Riverrun, Jaime's head is going to roll as well? Maybe that's what Cersei wanted all along -- Jaime was the only other person who could definitively confirm Joffrey's parentage.

Did I see Eddard's death coming? Of course! I spotted it a mile away. I can't believe Martin would be so cliche and predictable. Just kidding. I had no idea. I thought Ned would confess, be sent to the wall, and happily lead some sort of revolt with Jon's help. He's the fucking main character. He has POV chapters. You'd think Martin would at least let him die in his own chapter. Instead, Eddard dies right in front of his two daughters and his final POV words to the reader consist of a dickless spider offering him a choice between painkillers or Sansa's head. Eddard Stark: honorable, stupid, and now deceased.

EDDARD
So I finally confessed. Time to go to the Wall. Wait. Why is the executioner coming? Why is he picking up that axe? Why is he swinging it? What the f-

Even after this Arya chapter, I believed the beheading was fake using sleight-of-head. But the next chapter confirmed it: Ned was dead. He was now dead Ned. Or Deaddard Stark. Or Beheaddard Stark. When the Northern army hears about this, they are going to be so pissed. Bossman Robb and Widow Cat are going to flip out. Also, Arya is kidnapped by some weirdo creepy child molesting black brother who keeps insisting she's a boy.

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Bran watches the dregs of the North fight in their yard. Eddard and Robb took all the good men south so Ser Rod is left training the rejects. No legged Bran watches with resentful stoicism, aspiring to be a half-knight on Hodor's shoulders. But MC Luwin shoots him down, because unreachable dreams can break Bran's poor legless heart. This is the north, and winter is coming. It's physically impossible for Ser Santa to visit every Westeros castle in a single night. The Easter Bunny doesn't actually exist, as rabbits (even direrabbits) do not have the intellectual capacity to decorate and and deliver eggs. Babies are not brought by storks, but rather created when a knight repeatedly thrusts his penis into his maiden wife's vagina. Or when a Dothraki best man feels like mounting an unsuspecting female wedding guest.

Branstradamus wants to go to the crypts to talk to his father because he dreamed he talked to Eddard there last night. While most kids would go play games or watch a movie, the Stark children visit ancient tombs and dream about talking to ghosts. Osha comes too, because the North has a rehabilitative justice system, unless you're a black brother (racial profiling, it happens even in the North). In the crypts, they find little Rickon already there, waiting for Deaddard. Both Stark boys can see dead people. MC Luwin remains skeptical, until a bird from King's Landing delivers the news: like Bruce Willis, Maester Luwin is actually a ghost who died years ago and exists only in Bran and Rickon's imagination. Also, Eddard Stark is dead. That's no surprise though. The Stark boys already know because they can see the future. Can Bran and Rickon see if they'll survive the next book? I can't wait to find out.

Catelyn • Daenerys

2009-08-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

Catelyn witnesses Stark-vs-Lannister Round 2. She remembers how she only knew Eddard for two weeks before he left for war, but that was enough time to knock her up. She has all those motherly fears of Robb dying, but she really shouldn't worry. Robb has grown a beard now, and bearded men are harder to spot and even harder to see. Robb will need it -- he's sneaking up on Jaime Lannister, who has no idea that he's coming thanks to the Seven Kingdom's version of a cell phone jammer (archers shooting birds down). I don't know why Cat is so worried. Win or lose, Robb will survive. He has a gigantic supernatural wolf protecting him.

The battle is a success, and the Starks have captured Jaime Lannister. But he's just a reckless sister-fucker. The real challenge is Tywin, who remains at large, like a child molester loose in the woods. Still, Robb beat half the Lannister army and can probably get Eddard back, as Cersei would almost certainly trade for her brother. This battle also proves that other than GREGOR, the southern knights really suck. The badass northern bearded viking men may be non-knighted, illiterate, and stubborn, but they know how to fight. Winterfell! Woooo!

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Drogo is dying thanks to MMD's poison. It's painfully clear to the bloodriders and even half-retarded Drogo himself that the maegi is bad news, but Dany is a dumbass and still doesn't realize. She even calls for MMD to treat the Khal after he fell from his horse, which is apparently the biggest Dothraki signal of doom and death. Its like an Irishman dropping his mug or a Chinese kid forgetting his multiplication tables -- when it's over, you just know.

Dr. Jorah shows up and diagnoses in five seconds that Drogo is as good as dead. Jorah advises that they flee and hide in Asshair. The bloodriders get pissed and start smacking a Duur, but Dani stops them because, well, she's an idiot. Dany is starting to panic, because once Drogo dies, the bloodriders will turn on them. Incredibly, through massive, incomprehensible stupidity, Dany decides that their best shot is to let MMD perform another dark ritual. Yes, that's right -- she's essentially letting Drogo's poisoner finish the job. Jorah should just bitchslap Dany and take control, but instead he fights the bloodriders so that MMD can finish her crazy incantation. Then Dany goes into labor, and her stupidity was so great that it became contagious, infecting Jorah and her handmaids. They decide to bring Dany to MMD, because who better to deliver a baby than a clinically insane demon sorceress?

Daenerys • Tyrion

2009-08-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dany supervises post battle clean up, which involves little girls dutifully retrieving arrows from dead corpses. Khal Drogo had just conquered two other khalasars, and his men are happily pillaging and raping. Their victims are a peaceful agricultural village who are literally called "lambs." Drogo will sell all his captives into slavery, where healthy young boys and girls will fetch a handsome price. I assume this is where Varys makes his orders -- the Meereen version of Amazon.com, where he can get free super saver shipping on orders of 50 or more "little birds." Dany chooses this exact moment to start a women's rights movement, stopping several rapes. Drogo supports her, telling his riders to "find other lamb women" instead of raping the ones Dany chose to protect. Great job Dany, you "protected" a dozen women while several thousand others continue to be raped.

One of the former rape-ees is this woman from Asshai (yes, that's the actual name of the place, haha) who wants to help by treating Drogo's wound. The bloodriders don't trust her, but Dany does. Mirri Maz Duur was being raped, her people were being murdered, and she's some sort of demon sorceress, but other than those things, what's not to trust? The most damning evidence against MMD is that Martin spends far too many words talking about her for it to be a normal healing. Dany has experienced so much hardship and despair yet somehow remains far too trusting and innocent.

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Tywin decided to put Tyrion in the vanguard of the attack, which can be interpreted as a big honor or even bigger insult. Tyrion doesn't seem very pleased that he wasn't given command -- Tywin put GREGOR in charge. Did Tyrion expect to be the leader or something? Will men even follow him into battle? Also, if you want to survive a war, there's no easier way than to be the tiny dwarf who fights next to the largest guy out there. Despite this, Tyrion storms off, upset at his social status among Tywin's inner circle. Meanwhile, he has more important things to do, like entertain the whore that Bronn found. Her name was Shae, and she was a good actress. Tyrion "suspected" that her delight during sex was faked. Come on now, Tyrion -- you're supposed to be cunning and intelligent. I'd put the percentage chance of Shae faking an orgasm with the "Giant of Lannister" at roughly 800%.

The next day's battle came early. I like the way Martin writes his battles -- POV really makes it seem quite personal and less like the scientific "200 men move left" type of sterilized storytelling. Tyrion actually does decently in the battle, holding his own with the help of some luck. Half his barbarians died, but I doubt Tyrion cares very much. The important thing is that he (and Bronn) survived the battle. Afterwards, it turns out Tywin counted on Tyrion and his men breaking, so even in victory, Tyrion disappoints his father. The battle on the whole was a huge success, but it seems Robb wasn't there and is making for Riverrun instead. I'm not going to pretend I understand all the tactics and who has what army and where, but I assume Tywin thought he was engaging the entire Stark army but only part of it was here, so the Lannisters fell for some sort of fake out.

Catelyn • Jon

2009-08-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Walder Frey is the Hugh Hefner of the Seven Kingdoms. He's old, he has many wives, he's slow, and everyone operates on his time. His castle is called "the Twins," presumably due to his love of boobs. I'm calling it right now, once the war is over, Lord Frey is going to start up the first major porn magazine, rated NC-8. That's right, children under the age of eight won't be able to read it -- the harshest, most stringent rating ever given in Westeros. Question: What's the best way to cross the Twins? Answer: a motorboat. Haha.

Lord Hefner has quite an ego, taking a page from George Foreman's book and naming all his sons after himself. He wisecracks that Catelyn just wants to get him alone because she has "designs on his fidelity," and makes her jump through all the requisite hoops to make him feel big and important. It seems Walder and Hoster are not the best of friends, and in the only measuring stick that matters (number of sons), Cat's father simply doesn't have enough. Walder Frey must be a medical marvel to be able to still make sons at the age of ninety, and he is unimpressed by just about everything. But in the end, all it took to secure safe passage was a marriage pact between Robb and one of Walder's many daughters. Just like that, the northern host crosses the equator. To the south lies lions, battles, and Robb Stark's first real test.

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Jon hears that Robb is marching south, and that the rest of his half-family is either preparing for battle or already captured. Jon relives his battle with zombie Othor at night when he dreams about the undead corpse with Eddard's features, and during the day when he endures the pain of his burned and bandaged arm. It must be quite "hard" for him, to forswear women and also lose usage of his right hand. But Emo Jon doesn't return, because the Lord Commander gives him House Mormont's prize Valyrian steel sword "Longclaw." It was meant for Jorah but we all know he's kind of a loser, so Jon gets it instead. While a flamethrower would be more useful, the sword is an awesome, well-deserved gift. Jon's friends are impressed and clearly jealous, but then again they never had to fight zombies. Sam even had a greatsword named "Heartsbane" once. But rearrage that name and you get "he eats Bran," so Jon shouldn't let Sam near his little brother. At least not when Sam is hungry.

Jon goes to MC Aemon, and they have a heart to heart chat about decisions. You see, MC Aemon isn't just a blind man. He's the brother or uncle or whatever of the Targaryen kings that Robert hates. He's the Master Emo that even Jon can respect -- Aemon went from royalty and dragons to books and ravens without making even one blog post. And he says its Jon's decision to make; to stay or go. I think he'll stay. How much help could one extra bastard sword be anyway?

Sansa • Eddard

2009-08-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sansa watched as the newly crowned King Joffrey read out the list of traitors, which included her parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, and a host of other names. Basically, it was a checklist of every cool character in the series, minus Tyrion and the Cleganes. Then he dismisses Ser Barristan from the Kingsguard and appoints Tywin and Jaime to high ranking positions. I know we're supposed to feel bad for this old guy, but Mr. Selmy really wasn't getting it done. Did the United States let whoever was protecting JFK guard the next President? Hell no. If I was Cersei I'd fire him too.

Sansa then begs for Joffrey to spare her father's life. Of course, had Sansa not been an idiot and divulged Eddard's plans to the Lannisters, Joffrey would be the one begging for mercy. Eddard will have to confess to the crime, something I doubt he'll do because of his rigid adherence to honor and duty. What a mess. Is Martin trying to make us hate women? Because Catelyn arrests the wrong guy, Cersei is a gigantic bitch, Sansa is a vapid traitor, and Lysa is literally insane. The only two likeable female characters are a trophy wife for The Rock and a preteen wild child who is basically a boy.

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Eddard is not having a fun time in the dungeons of King's Landing. He blames himself for failing Robert and for the horrible situation he's in. He lost to Cersei in a battle of wits. That's like losing to Sam in swordfighting or GREGOR in chess. It should have been like taking candy from a baby. Eddard becomes delusional, talking to himself and dreaming about the good old days, when he wasn't locked up in a windowless room for being a traitor to his best friend. He remembered the time Jaime was inducted into the Kingsguard (lol bad decision, Aerys) and when Pimp Rhaegar dissed his own wife for Lyanna.

Varys comes in and tells Eddard about all the mistakes he made: his decision to warn Cersei, his refusal of Renly's offer, and not listening to Littlefinger's advice. Varys tells Eddard what he should do: swallow his pride, confess to treason, and be granted mercy by the Lannisters. If Eddard can do that, he'll be sent to the wall. Not a great fate, because we all know Eddard loves his whores and property rights, but it's still better than being dead. What's Vary's stake in all this? Why, he's just serving the realm... and trying to save his own ass. If Eddard can't do it for himself, then he should do it for his daughter. Varys then offers Eddard a choice -- does he want the next visitor to bring him milk of poppy for the pain, or bring him his daughter's head?

To me, neither of those two choices sound so bad. Of course, I'm kidding. I don't actually want Sansa dead. Not because she had good intentions, or that she didn't know any better, or that a largely innocent young girl doesn't deserve such a fate. I don't want Sansa dead because living out her days as Joffrey's wife and Cersei's daughter-in-law is a far worse fate than death.

Daenerys • Catelyn • Tyrion

2009-08-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

I decided to do three chapters because not much happens in the Dany chapter, and the other two are also better summarized if read together. That and they are filled with a ton of names and locations and military tactics that I don't really understand.

Dany has been trying to get Khal Drogo to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, but he's not interested because they'd have to cross a huge sea. The Rock would sink to the bottom of the ocean and horses can't drink seawater. Dany goes to the Western Market, where someone tries to assassinate her with poisoned wine. Jorah saves her, but only because he's operating on threat level midnight -- he knows an attempt is coming. Afterward, Dany tries to make a dragon egg omelette by cooking them in the fire, but they don't hatch. However, the assassination attempt pisses off Khal Drogo enough for him to declare war on the Seven Kingdoms. Watch out Westeros, the Dothraki are coming!

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Catelyn arrives at Robb's camp. She quickly realizes that her son is leading this gigantic army to war, and he's just this fifteen-year-old who is brave but extremely inexperienced. She then tells him that if he loses, there's no hope for any of the Starks -- his father and sisters would forever be captives and they would spend the rest of their days in a Lannister dungeon. But hey, no pressure. The rest of the chapter is spent discussing military tactics and appointing commanders. I only recognize the Greatjon and Karstarks, the rest of the northern bannermen are unfamiliar to me. Robb doesn't seem very confident in his decisions, and that doesn't bode well for his chances, no matter how badass his army may be.

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Tyrion finally returns with his mountain clansmen in tow. Tyrion discusses military tactics with his father Tywin and his uncle Kevan. After reading Martin's description of Tywin, I can't shake the picture of a bearded Captain Picard / Professor X. The guy is never phased, and seems to be completely in control of any situation, even when the clansmen busted in on their meeting. Tywin speaks with such supreme confidence, its easy to feel bad for the Starks. It seems like Robb is in for a rude awakening now that he's playing with the big boys.

Jon • Bran

2009-07-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

Ghost didn't find Uncle Benjen. The severed hand belonged to the corpse of a guy named "Othor" who was a member of Benjen's party. Yes, that was his actual name -- Othor. Very subtle, Martin. Why don't you just name the guy that went after Bran "Lannistor." The Nights Watch men bring the corpses back to the castle because there's something weird about them. The bodies don't rot, and no animals but Ghost will go near them. When Jon gets back to the Castle Black, he finds out via raven letter about all the crazy stuff that's been going down at King's Landing. He can't believe that Eddard is a traitor, and almost knifes Ser Alliser when the knight makes fun of Ned.

Cue "Thriller" music! Darkness falls across the land, at midnite crawls a zombied hand. "Othors" crawl in search of blood, to terrorize Jon's neighborhood. And whosoever shall be found, but Jon's great white wolfhound. Jon and Ghost hear the horn's call, to face undead south of the Wall. The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of several thousand years. And grizzy ghouls from every tomb, are closing in to seal Mormont's doom. And though Jon fights to stay alive, his body starts to shiver. For no mere mortal can resist, the evil of "the Others."

And just like that, Emo Jon was no longer emo. Fighting disfigured, undead zombies justifies infinite whiny blog posts. As Othor attacks, the words of Jon's favorite band Dashboard Confessional echo in his mind: "let it end in flames; let it burn."

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Back at Winterfell, a huge army is massing to march south. I thought the Starks were badass, but their neighbors make them look like pansies. Everyone is huge, bearded, and fierce. But the loyalty of Eddard's bannermen was not a sure thing. Robb had to earn every bit, including having Grey Wind bite the fingers off Greatjon Umber's hand. All seem to hold honor, duty, and strength in high regard, the same qualities that doomed Eddard down south. Robb receives Sansa's letter, which is even more infuriating than her actions: it summons him to King's Landing so he can swear fealty to Joffrey to spare Eddard's life.

Bran goes to talk to Osha, the woman who tried to kidnap him a few chapters back. She's Stark-ified now, and dispensing cryptic northern wisdom. She warns that the old gods have no power down south, and that Robb is marching in the wrong direction. At that moment, naked Hodor comes sprinting out of woods. Hodor is the retarded giant stableboy. His "manhood swung long and heavy," and Osha comments, "now there's a big man." It's nice to see Martin isn't above penis humor, but it doesn't lighten the mood in Winterfell. Robb is leaving and may never return, and the two younger brothers remain crippled, Bran physically and Rickon psychologically.

Will the Starks get their happy ending? I hope Robb marches straight into the Red Keep. Remember when Joffrey said that sparring with tourney swords was a children's game? He told Robb to come see him with real steel. Well, he's coming now, and he brought the North with him.

Arya • Sansa

2009-07-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

Arya practices parrying in her final session with Syrio. No wonder Arya was so reluctant to go home to Winterfell -- she was learning "true seeing" and was just a handful of lessons away from telekinesis. Eddard should take Syrio home and have him train all his guards. Syrio tells the story of how he became the first swoard of Braavos -- the king there had a cat, and everyone thought it was amazing, even the cat itself. But in reality, it was a normal cat, and Syrio was the only man to speak the truth to the king. He's teaching Arya to not over-think, to trust her senses and her instincts. That's the lesson of his story. That, and people in Braavos can't identify an ordinary cat. Perhaps its also a convoluted metaphor for how Catelyn isn't special at all and is just an ordinary fat woman?

Lannister men burst into the room, interrupting their lesson. Intent on capturing Arya, they haven't taken Syrio's "true seeing" lesson, so they just see an old dancing master, but its actually a dude that can kick their asses. Syrio takes them all on with just a stick, beating down the guards easily. Next up is the heavily armored Kingsguard knight Meryn Trant, and Syrio seems outmatched. However, if Petyr = Peter and Eddard = Edward, I conclude that Meryn = Mary Anne. Thus, even though its left open ended, I have faith that Syrio pulls out the win, because Ser Mary Anne is doomed by his girly name.

Arya doesn't stick around to see the end of the fight, using her special skills to flee the castle. On her way, she evades a stable boy who tried to grab her. And by "evades," I mean "brutally kills." Just like that, Arya adds to her long list of very adult things experienced at a very non-adult age. She watched her friend be cut in half, was forced to ditch her childhood pet, was trained in survival skills and swordfighting, witnessed her household guards be killed, and now actually commits manslaughter. "Loss of innocence" is obviously a big theme in this book, as just about every child POV involves kids dealing with issues beyond their age, but an eight-year-old stabbing and killing another kid exceeds even Martin's extreme standards. Arya killed someone, but at least she escaped, and thats something to cheer about. Stupid stable boys should keep their hands to themselves.

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Sansa waits in her room for the fighting to finish, praying for her father, her guards, and her Lannister boyfriend. It was such a Sansa thing to do, to sit passive and clueless, hoping that everything just works out. Cersei tells her that Eddard was a traitor, and we learn that Sansa was the one who informed Cersei of Eddard's plans. Are you freaking kidding me? By leaking this information, Sansa endangered the lives of her family, effectively sentenced her household guards to death, and screwed over everyone who truly loves her. All because she has a crush on dumbass Joffrey who treats her like crap anyway. Sansa: destined to be the abused druggie escort of King's Landing.

The council is threatening to break her engagement, reasoning that traitor blood runs through her veins. If that were true, Joffrey should just marry Myrcella now, because they are inclined to be ultra-incestuous. They can have a threesome with Tommen, and if you throw Tyrion in the mix and record it, you could sell the tape to a dozen different niche fetish groups. Lannister porn: something for everyone, and keeping the house wealthy for the next thousand years.

Cersei should be opposed to a Joffrey-Sansa marriage solely because her grandkids would be dumb as bricks. She might as well marry Myrcella to GREGOR, and then all her grandkids can take the same bus to school (the short one). Of course, Sansa is devastated that she might not marry Joffrey, but the council won't listen until pedo Petyr chimes in, suggesting that Sansa resembles her mother more than her father. I'm not sure which is worse. Would you rather be the inept, humorless guy who can't think his way out of a box, or the bitter woman who falsely arrests the only innocent member of a rival house? Cersei and the council convince Sansa to write letters to convince the rest of her family to surrender. Sansa actually buys it, partly because she wants desperately to believe everything will be fine, but mostly because she is 100% grade-A stupid. The difference between Sansa and her sister could not be more Stark.

Jon • Eddard

2009-07-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

Lord Commander Mormont speaks at Jon’s graduation from lowly trainee to prestigious black brother. Thanks to Jon, Sam is graduating with them, on the way to becoming a steward. Jon watches as his friends join the rangers, only to have his name called to be a steward as well. Suddenly, Emo Jon is back, and oh how we’ve missed his tantrums, martyrdom, and superiority complex. Jon looks ready to put on his black eyeliner and blog about his woes, but Sam tells him that by making him his personal aide, LC Mormont is actually grooming Jon to be his heir. Jon says he never asked for this, but I’m sure he never asked to be a bastard either. You don’t always get what you want, Jon. Plus, being Mormont’s bitch is like being a Supreme Court clerk: you gain a ton of subtle power and experience in exchange for waiting hand and foot for some old guy. Grooming Jon makes perfect sense from Mormont’s standpoint: Jon has all the positives of a highborn upbringing and none of the Waymar Royce pretentious douchebaggery.

Jon and Sam say their vows and become official Night’s Watchmen. I must admit the NW oath is pretty badass, complete with epic words and powerful sayings. The vows better be awesome if you’re forswearing women and personal property for the rest of your life. They are about to head back when Ghost finds something in the snow. It’s a hand. Not Jon Arryn, or Eddard, but a real, human hand. Did they just find Uncle Benjen?

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Eddard slowly makes preparations to seize power from Joffrey. He presents to the council King Bob’s dying wish to make him the “Protector of the Realm,” but Cersei simply rips up the royal decree. Both sides tensely face each other, and Eddard calmly tells the city watch to arrest the Lannisters. Instead, they kill Eddard’s men, because that double crossing Benedict Arnold slippery snake Littlefinger betrayed him! Poor Fat Tom, speared through the chest without warning.

Eddard may be surprised, but there’s no way his plan could have worked. He warned Cersei days in advance, refused Lord Renly’s offer of help, and put all his trust into the man who has a lot of reasons to dislike Starks. Littlefinger was almost killed by Eddard’s brother, loves Eddard’s wife, and creepily stalks Eddard’s daughter. What makes Ned think that this guy was going to be loyal to him? Plus, LF is all about the bottom line dollar-wise, and House Lannister is by far the richest family. Tyrion said it best to Bronn: the Starks are not made for this type of stuff. They can be honorable and dutiful and extremely badass, but they suck horribly at being deceitful or cunning. You want the Starks on your side when you play football, not chess.

Daenerys • Eddard

2009-07-15T13:54:00.001-07:00

Dany is busy eating a horse heart, because if she doesn't, her fetus will be born weak, deformed, or (GASP) female. She manages to finish the entire heart and keeps it down, much to the satisfaction of the Dothraki crones. They proclaim that her kid will be the "the stallion that mounts the world." Dany will be so proud, since not everyone's son gets to be a gigantic horse that humps planet earth. She names him Rhaego, a cross between her brother Rhaegar and her husband Drogo. Rhaego is the Dothraki version of Darth Vader, destined to fulfill some crazy prophecy.

While this is going on, Viserys is frequenting the local markets, getting wasted on wine. He finally shows up at the ceremony, but he's drunk and carrying a sword. It's forbidden to have steel in Vaes Dothrak, so obviously Viserys built a time machine and returned with a plastic sword, because nobody would be so stupid as to directly defy the law of a vicious, war-centered race who wouldn't hesitate at all to kill an annoying beggar king. Viserys then draws the sword, waves it around, and threatens Dany's kid. Yes, the same kid who the Dothraki see as their future planet humping, prophecy fulfilling, Darth man-horse. This is obviously not a smart thing to do, but Viserys was never the smartest of men. In response, Drogo calmly kills him by pouring molten metal over his head. Finally, douche Viserys gets whats coming to him, and Dany severs the last binding tie to her old way of life.

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Robert is dying, gored by a boar during his hunting trip. This is far too convenient timing, and I subscribe to the Varys-hinted theory that the Lannisters were behind it. Before Bob dies, he names Eddard protector of the realm, very similar to what that old emperor did in Gladiator. Eddard doesn't want the throne, and that's why "it must be him." King Bob's decision isn't going to sit well with the Lannisters, and Ned will probably be enslaved and forced to fight in the Colosseum for the amusement of the King's Landing mob. Then he'll reveal his identity as Eddard Stark, Warden of the North, Lord of Winterfell, Hand of the King, loyal servant to the true King, Robert Baratheon; father to a crippled son, husband to a boring wife, and he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

On his deathbed, Robert makes Eddard promise to take care of his children. Ned can't bring himself to tell Bob the truth about his kids, so he silently thinks of all of Robert's true children, scattered around the realm. Can you imagine Catelyn's face when Eddard brings back ten more bastards to take care of, even if they aren't his?

Eddard plans to crown King Bob's eldest brother Stannis, beacuse Joffrey isn't his true heir. Robert's younger brother Renly offers his help to grab power by capturing Cersei's kids, but that is too dishonorable for Eddard. Let me repeat that: it's too dishonorable to temporarily capture the kids of a woman who not only has kids with her brother but also attempts to kill crippled, comatose children. Littlefinger suggests a different plan, recommending that they make peace with the Lannisters, bide their time, and reveal the incest later on. Eddard can't stomach playing nice with the Lannisters, because they killed Jory and tried to kill Bran. However, Eddard isn't stupid: he knows he needs more swords than he has, so he arranges with Littlefinger to purchase the City Watch's support, just in case.

Sansa • Eddard

2009-07-12T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sansa is puzzled that her father sent the "too old" 22-year-old Beric Dondarrion instead of Loras to deal with GREGOR, explaining to her friend Jeyne that Eddard's injured leg was probably impairing his decision making. No you stupid girl, the reason he didn't send Loras was because GREGOR would absolutely destroy pretty boy. Sansa needs to learn that in a fairy tale, the hero may slay the monster and marry the princess, but in real life, being eight feet tall, angry, and ridiculously strong easily trumps magical flower powers. In addition, Sansa still has no idea that pedo Littlefinger is only nice to her because he wants to proxy-fuck Catelyn by getting into Cat's daughter's pants.

Amazingly, Sansa is still in love with Joffrey, conveniently forgetting that his family executed her pet, attempted to assassinate her brother, and killed several of her household guard after severely wounding her father. She reasons that it wouldn't be fair to blame Joffrey for something his uncle Jaime did, because that would be like "blaming Sansa for Arya's actions," conveniently ignoring that Cersei did exactly this a few chapters ago. Sansa gets into yet another argument with Arya about Mycah's death, prompting Arya to nail her in the face with an orange, adding yet another badass skill (throwing accuracy +10 points) to Arya's growing list of badass skills. Unable to cope with Arya's awesomeness, Sansa retreats to her room, where Eddard informs his daughters that they will be sent back to Winterfell. The two girls finally agree on something: they love King's Landing, albeit for vastly different reasons. Sansa is in full fledged teen freak out mode now that she won't be marrying Joffrey, her dreams of being queen crumbling right before her eyes.

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I feel pretty stupid that I didn't see that Joffrey, Myrcella, and Tommen were products of incest. In retrospect it seems so obvious. George mentioned hair color a dozen times and kept calling them "lions," but the most obvious clue was that they all acted like prissy, pretentious jerks. Now that Eddard knows the big secret that the previous Hand died for, he just needs to wait until Robert gets back to smash some Lannisters. Instead, Eddard decides that it's a good idea to tell Cersei that he knows her secret. Since there's no poison lying around and no window to push Eddard through, Cersei admits to the whole thing. We also learn that Robert and Cersei don't have the healthiest of marriages. They barely ever have sex, and in the rare instances they do, Bob is always drunk. Once, he even called Cersei "Lyanna" in bed (hahahaha).

Cersei then busts out her version of the Godfather offer: don't tell anyone and I'll have sex with you. Eddard's response:

Eddard says, "Did you make the same offer to Jon Arryn?"
She slapped him.
"I shall wear that as a badge of honor," Ned said dryly.

Somewhere in the King's Landing, the sun is shining bright; the knights are jousting somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light, and somewhere wolves are howling, and the treasury is broke; but there's shock in the godswood -- Eddard Stark has cracked a joke.

Cersei doesn't think it's funny, and hits Ned below the belt, making fun of his bastard son. If I had three kids with my brother, I'd probably refrain from making fun of the pedigree of other peoples' kids. Also, if I was Hand and I found out the secret that got the previous Hand killed, I wouldn't warn the person that did the killing.

Game of Thrones Halftime Report

2009-07-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I felt it was necessary to write an entry with more generalized comments about the book that wouldn't fit in a standard two chapter entry, and also answer a few common questions that appear in the comments.

I'm really enjoying the book thus far, and I'd like nothing more than to tear right through the rest of the book to find out what happens. However, when I started this blog, I made a promise to my friend (and myself) to see it through to the end. That means not reading ahead and completing entries on time. But those that worry that I don't love the book and won't finish, fear not, because as I said in my first post, if I've gotten this far, I'm in for the long haul.

The relatively slow pace of blog posts is not because I don't want to read. As I said, I'd love to just blow through the rest of it. I can read very quickly. However, I'm reading this book differently because I write entries for it. It may hurt my first experience a bit, but after I'm done with the whole series, I'll probably be very happy that I did it this way. Also, there's a million characters in this book and many have multiple nicknames. I don't have the luxury of just shrugging my shoulders and reading on, because if I confuse characters, locations, or events, it's obvious to anyone reading the blog and doesn't make for good entries. Thus, I do a lot of appendix flipping, and often ask my friend to explain things in a non-spoiler way when I don't fully understand. For example, I was at page 300 before I realized Jaime was the Kingslayer.

I don't read all the comments because I have an extreme fear of spoilers. I have someone who screens them and forwards me the ones that contain no spoilers. He errs on the side of caution, so I might not have read your comment even if you think it isn't spoiling anything.

To those asking me to focus more on what's going on and make fewer jokes, I'll keep your suggestions in mind, but I can't really change how I write. I'm going to miss things (sometimes important things) and I'm also going to make silly jokes and stupid comments. This blog is as much for me as it is for anyone reading. I know that this book is over a decade old and has been discussed to death, so I'll leave the serious analysis to those that are better than me at it.

For each book, I'll do one halftime post like this with general thoughts, and one big summary post when I finish.

I hope this clarifies (and reassures) a lot of those who posted comments. This blog already has far more readers than I expected, and I'm thankful for all the feedback. If you want to talk to me directly, feel free to email me at blogoficeandfire (gmail), but make sure you don't spoil anything, or I will hunt you down and kill you, Sandor style.

More Game of Thrones halftime bullets:

If it wasn't clear already, my favorite POV thus far is Arya by a mile. She's hilarious and awesome and she's the mischevious little kid sister I wish I had. Also, she's basically been leveling up on Nu tech points ever since the Starks landed in King's Landing, and I am excited for what she'll learn next.

My least favorite POV would have been Sansa, but more than half the time she just watches Arya do stuff, so I don't really mind her chapters. Other than her, I find the Catelyn and Eddard chapters somewhat dull. I understand they are necessary for plot exposition, but those two don't have much personality. Even Eddard's super hardcore manly northness was worn away by the bureaucracy of the Hand desk job. I'd say the Bran chapters are kind of boring too, but the kid is already crippled there's no need to pile on him more.

My favorite non-POV character is GREGOR, and as awful as this sounds, I wish George would cut him loose more. GREGOR rage is always entertaining. But rearrange the letters in "George R.R. Martin" and you get "Restrain Gregor." Free the beast, George. Free GREGOR.

I also like Littlefinger, because he symbolizes the American dream: person of modest birth works hard and moves up in society, only to creepily stalk the underage daughter of the woman who spurned his advances years ago.

I like Tyrion's chapters, but I don't sympathize with him. Yes, it sucks to be a dwarf, but I doubt he'd trade his smarts or wealth or powerful bloodline for average height. If you offered Tyrion the choice between being himself or being some dumbass knight, which would he choose?

My favorite place is the Eyrie castle, despite it being the home of fat Lysa and her annoying kid. I like the Vale's wholehearted embrace of marijuana culture, calling their bastards Stoners and being "high as honor" on the high road. Lysa and little Rob Arryn seem to be heavy users, as the side effects of pot include increased risk of infertility (check), impaired judgment (check), paranoia (check), psychological dependence (check), and intense anxiety or panic attacks (check). They really shouldn't smoke up so much.

Why are the heroes (the Starks) so dumb? Is it something in the northern air? Most of the decisions that Cat, Ned, Sansa, Jon, and Arya make have been ridiculously stupid. While Jon and Arya are receiving excellent guidance from their peers and teachers, Cat and Ned continue to make idiotic moves left and right.

That's it for now. I could probably go on forever, but this entry is long enough already. The pace of the blog updates should pick up over the next month, as I have less real-life commitments now that the holiday weekend is over. I'll try to post once every two days or so. I hope you guys are enjoying the blog and I look forward to the rest of the books!

Tyrion • Eddard

2009-07-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Tyrion and Bronn attempt to sneak by all the mountain clansmen that harassed them on their way into the Vale. From their banter you can tell there’s no genuine love between these two, who travel beside one another for necessity and mutual benefit. Tyrion lets Bronn know that the Lannisters are a bottomless pit of gold, and will always match the price of anyone trying out-bid them. This also explains the reason why Tyrion paid Mord even though he hated him: to show Bronn that Lannisters are good for whatever debt is owed. Tyrion doesn’t want Bronn to have any doubts about getting paid when they reach wherever they are going.

However, despite the quid-pro-quo atmosphere, the two do bond a little. Tyrion tells Bronn about his first love, a story that puts Sam Tarly’s childhood to shame. His father Lord Tywin had a whore pretend to fall for Tyrion to teach him a lesson, and makes him watch as an entire barracks of soldiers screw her. Tywin then makes Tyrion do her one last time, which gains his son closure, newfound wisdom, and a dozen STDs. It was a good deal for his fake whore wife though, as she probably made out like a bandit. Martin can check off "gang bangs" and "virgin dwarf sex" in his list of deviant sexual practices that appear in this series. I am half scared and half curious as to what’s next on that list.

Tyrion decides not to hide from the mountain clans, lighting up a fire and openly roasting a goat. Sure enough, the mountain clansmen arrive and seem ready to kill them. But Tyrion makes an offer to their Scandinavian chief Gunthor: allow them safe passage, and Tyrion will give them the Vale of Arryn. I wonder how he plans to do that, given the imPREGnable defenses. Maybe Tyrion will buy it from Lysa?

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Eddard sits on the throne, listening to the village folk’s tales of brutal attacks by well-equipped brigands. They identify GREGOR as the leader, ordered by the Lannisters to terrorize the Riverlands villagers. A bunch of Lords and Sers that I do not recognize are pissed about this, and Eddard appeases them by sending an army of knights to deal with it. What can they really do though? Can’t GREGOR just demand trial by combat? Who would fight him? Loras tries to be a badass by volunteering for the job, but Eddard denies him, probably for his own good. Eddard really should have sent Loras, because you never know when a jousting tournament or a trial-by-jousting could break out.

This chapter is disappointing because nothing really happens. All the men of action like King Bob and Jaime are out of the city, leaving wet blanket Eddard to sit on the throne. Boring!

Catelyn • Jon

2009-06-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

Catelyn is upset that Lysa consented to Tyrion's trial by combat. Arresting Tyrion was a huge gamble, resulting in the death of several of Winterfell men, Eddard’s injury, and near war with the Lannisters. Now, it might all be for nothing because of Lysa’s stubbornness and stupidity. Also, isn’t Tyrion on trial for two separate crimes? Shouldn’t he have to go through two trials to fully vindicate himself from Jon Arryn’s death and the attempt on Bran? Does this TBC completely clear him of all charges? If that’s the case, Tyrion might as well commit a few more murders before the TBC starts.

Lysa and her knights seem quite sure Ser Vardis will win, since LeBronn went straight from high school to sellsword, skipping Knight College. However, men that fight for money are usually (a) very good at fighting and (b) very self-interested. While Bronn is obviously doing this to score points with Tyrion, he’s not going to throw away his life recklessly. Obviously Bronn thinks he will beat Vardis, or he wouldn’t have volunteered.

After wearing out the older and dumber Vardis, Bronn wins the TBC. Tyrion is innocent! Little Robert Arryn, who grows more annoying every chapter, freaks out and wants to execute Tyrion anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the rulers of the Vale: a weak, breast milk sucking kid with no sense of justice, and a fat, paranoid, stupid widow who falsely accuses people of murder. Because the gods judged Tyrion innocent, Lysa is forced to allow him and Bronn to leave the Eyrie. However, she has them take the mountain clan infested high road. Tyrion doesn’t seem to mind, probably because anything is better than being chucked off a cliff.

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Jon Snow and his merry men are finally out from under Ser Alliser’s boot. The guest speaker at their graduation is Ser Alliser himself, who inspires them with motivational truths like “when the winter comes you will die like flies.” They have become brothers of the Night’s Watch, and now officially can’t own lands or have sex. The only person who is still in training from their group is Sam, who will no longer benefits from Jon's friendship and protection.

Jon's worried that pedo Thorne will start the Sam-spankings again, so he asks Maester Aemon if Sam can graduate anyway, arguing that Sam’s skills at math and reading are far better suited for a steward than for a ranger. Naturally, this doesn’t sit well with Aemon’s current steward Chett, who is as ugly as Sam is fat. The Night’s Watch should really have an admissions office that determines specialization for the new recruits. For example, the thieves should not be put in charge of the treasury, the rapists should not be near women, and fat softies like Sam should be given some sort of desk job. Then again, maybe we shouldn’t expect that level of efficiency from the guys who thought it’d be a good idea to build a 700-foot wall that’s only used once every thousand years.

Tyrion • Eddard

2009-06-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

The "sky cells" are probably the most horrifying yet awesome thing about the Eyrie. Instead of a prison wall, it has an open 600 foot drop with a slightly slanted floor. and the floor is slightly slanted -- feel free to escape. I love how Martin uses language, culture, and land features to greatly distinguish each geographical area in Westeros. The Vale is straight out of the 1960's: their motto is "high as honor," their bastards are stoners, and everything about their castles, from the vertigo-inducing journey to the wall-less cells, makes the entire ordeal seem like one gigantic acid trip. This includes the breast milk chugging sickly child lord and the fat, illiterate jailer named Mord, who I desperately wish had his own POV. "Not give angry dwarf-man beans today. Tomorrow, also not give beans."

Tyrion isn't the most humble prisoner, and his sharp tongue provokes Lysa into throwing him in a sky cell. Tyrion gets out by faking a confession and instead demanding a trial. Unfortunately, crazy little Robert Arryn is the judge, which means nine times out of ten, people are chucked out the moon door regardless of guilt or innocence. But Tyrion has one last trick up his sleeve, demanding trial by combat. Apparently, TBC means you or your champion fights one-on-one with someone, and your fate is decided based on the results of the fight. It doesn't matter whether you committed the crime or how many people saw you do it. Does this mean that GREGOR basically can never be found guilty of a crime? If he gets accused of anything, he can just demand trial by combat, kill one guy, and he's free? Does it really work this way? Murder someone? Trial by combat. Rob a bank? Trial by combat. Parking ticket? Trial by combat. It's essentially a perpetual, personalized get GREGOR out of jail free card.

When Tyrion requests TBC, Lysa and her knights laugh, because he's the anti-GREGOR: small, clever, and non-threatening. Despite Tyrion's vast battle experience consisting of somersaulting off roofs, fork dueling master-at-arms, and axing mountain clansmen, he clearly is no match for one of Lysa's knights. Tyrion may not even be fit to fight, having eaten nothing for the past few days due to Mord's bean dumping. Lysa believes she has him cornered because his first choice champion is miles away in King's Landing, doing more important things like Hand-crippling and sister-screwing. However, Tyrion's new BFF Bronn steps up to be his champion.

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Eddard is comatose due to his broken leg, and dreams about his past rescue of Lyanna. I'm sure it's a nice dream and these characters are all very compelling, but I just want to know what happens in King's Landing after Jaime jumped Eddard outside the brothel. After the fight, Jaime fled the city, and everyone now knows that Catelyn captured Tyrion. Cersei is insulted that the Starks would dare arrest a Lannister, even though she and Jaime are responsible for pushing Bran out a window and subsequently sending an assassin to kill him. How dare Eddard "attack" Jaime while returning "drunk from a brothel." Getting wasted and violently attacking a rival house does not sound like an ordinary Eddard Stark Wednesday night. Much like the Arya-Joffrey incident, it is very clear who is telling the truth.

Cersei continues ranting about Robert's his bromance with Eddard, suggesting that Bob should be the one wearing skirts. She might actually be right, as a skirt would be more comfortable for fat guy who outgrew his armor. Instead of taking her fashion advice, Bob snaps and backhands her across the face. Applying Cersei's own logic, how dare she attack his hand with her face? Eddard reiterates his desire to quit, but Robert commands him to stay as Hand. Why does Bob insist Eddard be Hand if he never listens to his advice? Still, the position has its perks -- you get front row tickets to Robert "honoring" Cersei.

Daenerys • Bran

2009-06-19T06:57:00.001-07:00

Dany finally arrives at Vaes Dothrak. It's funny that the Dothraki are so skilled at riding and conquering, yet suck so badly at basic things like building huts. Eddard and Robert must be closet Dothraki, because they are also great at straightforward conflicts but are equally horrible at politics and finesse. I wonder what crime Jorah committed that caused Eddard to send him into exile. Is he really going to kill Dany? Why is he allowed to just travel with the Khalasar in the first place? It doesn't make sense that the Dothraki would just let some random white guy tag along with them so close to their leader. I also found it funny that in the old days, a Khal's bloodriders would share his wife, but never his horse. Dothraki hierarchy must be something like Crone > Khal > Bloodrider > Horse > Wife > Viserys.

While Dany is assimilating herself into the Dothraki culture, Viserys becomes more deluded every day. He's seen a joke by everyone in the Khalasar, only he doesn't know it. I'm curious how someone could grow up in such a way. For instance, Joffrey's personality is understandable given his upbringing, but Viserys grew up poor and in exile. MC Illyrio must have really spoiled him for Viserys to develop his extreme sense of entitlement and gigantic superiority complex. Even the most bratty kids can be cowed somewhat, but nobody ever gave Viserys the advice he really needed, and now he's beyond the point of rehabilitation. When Dany brings him gifts, Viserys flips out, because he simply doesn't know how to be anything but a gigantic douche, even for just five minutes. That's the biggest difference between him and the Joffrey: Viserys can't even pretend to be nice. That and he doesn't have a powerful support system around him. Dany finally stands up to him, and it must have been a very cathartic experience, because she suddenly starts talking weirdly to her dragon eggs. Maybe she should sit on them?

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Things aren't going very well for Stark brothers. Their uncle is missing, their father is wounded and comatose, and their mother arrested a perfectly innocent dwarf. Bran still can't remember that Jaime pushed him off that window balcony, and Robb is faced with many difficult decisions as the acting Lord of Winterfell. Catelyn probably left him a nice reminder list: 1) Post a guard outside Bran's room, 2) Lannisters are not to be trusted, and 3) If you go riding with your cripple brother, do not leave him alone by a river. Robb unfortunately forgets rule three and leaves Bran by himself to go find the direwolves. As if on cue, Bran immediately gets captured by bandits. He may be the unluckiest kid ever, because the two times he's been left alone in this book, he's managed to suffer a debilitating accident and become involved in a hostage situation.

Robb finally returns, and the hostage negotiations begin. After much deliberation, the bandits decide to reject Robb's initial offer of a quick and painless death in exchange for surrender. A battle ensues, with huge magical wolves on one side and ordinary outlaws on the other, resulting in a lot of blood, guts, and chewed up outlaws. One of the men holds a knife to Bran's throat, but Theon arrives and takes him out with an arrow. As thanks, Theon gets an earful of stern Robb lecturing, because shooting a criminal with an arrow is far more risky than leaving your vulnerable crippled brother unattended.

Catelyn • Eddard

2009-06-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

After a perilous journey, Catelyn finally arrives at the Vale of Arryn. Her sister’s castle has more levels of security than Fort Knox, and is an acrophobic nightmare of cracking spiral steps, narrow windy bridges, and sickeningly steep ascents. It takes Catelyn days to reach the top, ironically guided by bastard girl Mya Stone. When Catelyn has a vertigo freeze up on the mountain crossing, Mya was there to help her. See Cat? Bastards aren’t all evil. I predict in a few chapters, Martin is going to reveal that Cat herself is a bastard, and we’re going to get one of those great “Noooooooo!” screams.

Catelyn chats with her uncle Brynden the Blackfish, who to my great disappointment is not actually black. After some more climbing, she finally meets her sister at the Eyrie. To quote Martin, Lysa Tully has become “thick of body” and “pale of face,” which is a nice way of saying she’s a fatty who never leaves the house. Martin must have realized the lack of creepiness in this chapter, because everything was totally normal until Lysa suddenly whips out a boob for her six year old son to suck on. In the wake of Jon Arryn’s death, Lysa has become a paranoid, overprotective, crazy woman. Traumatic family incidents tend to do that to people. Just ask Catelyn, who kidnapped the son of a powerful house for a crime he didn’t commit. Ladies and gentlemen, the Tullys: no incest, but horrifically bad decision making nonetheless.

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We see the consequences of Cat’s action immediately. Jaime Lannister confronts Eddard and Littlefinger outside a brothel, and he’s quite pissed about Tyrion’s disappearance. If Eddard was clever, he’d say “Mr. Lannister, I do not know the whereabouts of your brother, but I might have more information in a few hours, when I will have more than two guys with me.” Instead, Eddard predictably answers “Of course I arrested that stupid dwarf,” which results in a very one-sided fight, a very broken leg, and a very dead Jory.

The shit really hit the fan this chapter. I wonder what Jaime’s reasoning was behind wounding Eddard and killing his men. I doubt it would actually help Tyrion, because when Catelyn hears about this, the poor dwarf is going to get tortured even more. If that’s the case, why didn’t Jaime capture Ned and trade him for Tyrion later? Because he’s Jaime Lannister, man of action, whose strongest trait was never thoughtful planning. The Starks and Lannisters are now at each other's throats, just like Varys predicted.

Arya • Eddard

2009-06-10T19:55:00.001-07:00

Syrio told Arya to chase cats all day. This seems like very obvious foreshadowing, so maybe Catelyn gets kidnapped in the mountains and Arya has to find her. Arya had just caught the Moby Dick of cats, the infamous black tom, when she suddenly sees Prince Tommen and Princess Myrcella having sex. Before Arya could hide, Myrcella spots her. Tommen says “the things I do for love” and pushes Arya out the window. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf was howling. Crows circled the Red Keep, waiting for corn.

Myrcella, Tommen, and their guards, being typical pompous highborn assholes, mistake Arya for a beggar and collectively look down on her. Arya panics and escapes via waterdancing, but quickly gets lost in the castle. This allows her to overhear a conversation between two mysterious men, with topics ranging from Dany being pregnant to the possible assassination of her father. One of the men is Varys, because he talks about obtaining fifty more magical CIA surveillance birds. I have no idea about the other guy, but he is also familiar with King’s Landing politics. From the names they mentioned in the conversation, the other guy cannot be Eddard, Stannis, Lysa, Loras, Littlefinger, Tyrion, Tywin, or Jaime. I believe this guy is the mastermind in the game of thrones. Everyone else is just a pawn. Based on exhaustive analysis, I have concluded that this man is GREGOR.

Eventually Arya finds her way back but Eddard does not believe her story, even though Arya doesn't seem like the type to just lie and make stuff up. In other words, she’s not Sansa. Listen to your wise and awesome daughter, you stupid Hand.

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Jorah the mole reports that Dany married The Rock and is pregnant with Rhaegar 2.0. Führer Bob has a final solution to the Targaryen problem, but Eddard protests because he feels squeamish about killing children. Even though Eddard admirably champions his principles, when it comes to the Targaryens, Robert is as difficult to budge ideologically as he is physically. Bob has a point, because letting Dany and her son live would be taking a stupid, unnecessary risk. The council agrees and begins discussing possible assassination methods. Robert doesn't want to poison her, because it would be too cowardly. So there exists some sort of courage scale in King Bob's head where "poisoning" ranks lower than "killing the unborn child of a teenage girl."

Child murder proves to be the deal breaker for Eddard, who resigns his position as Hand. The bromance between Ned and Bob is over. Eddard came south, picked up the pieces to a huge, confusing puzzle, and failed miserably at putting it together. Now, he's finally free. The Starks are headed back north, where they will arrive at Winterfell happy and rested. Eddard will discover that Catelyn and Jon have also returned, and have grown to love each other like only a mother and an illegitimate bastard son of a nother woman can. There's no violence or fighting. It's just one big happy family reunion.

Clash of Kings and Storm of Swords are just very, very misleading titles.

Eddard • Tyrion

2009-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Eddard watches Sandor beat Jaime in the tourney semifinals, much to the delight of Sansa the dog whisperer. Before the second match we get some juicy Gregor back story. Basically, the dude is a cross between Hulk and Satan. He's extremely large, strong, and angry. He kills infants, rapes princesses, and burns faces. Everything around him dies in mysterious fashion, including his wife, his father, and his sister. Despite his evilness, Gregor is also a hilarious, over the top character that deserves his own television show. It would be awesome if there was a reality show that followed Gregor around during common rage scenarios, like waiting in line at the post office or getting stuck in traffic. Or maybe a talk show like Oprah or Geraldo except titled GREGOR, where every day one unlucky guest is brutally beaten to death.

Gregor’s opponent is Loras, who is basically a jousting boy band singer, complete with gem-encrusted clothing and a sleek, effeminate body. He’s the Leonardo DiCaprio of knights, hated by guys and loved by teen girls. Fortunately for him, it seems like 99% of females in Martin’s book are under the age of eighteen, so his Q-rating is through the roof. The match seems like David versus Goliath, except this time David has a mare in heat instead of a slingshot and stone. Loras uses his horse’s smelly vagina to drive Gregor’s stallion into a horny frenzy, winning him the joust. Gregor does not like being tricked, because GREGOR SMASH. But Sandor surprisingly steps in to save the kid from an imminent Gregor-induced death, and Loras concedes the finals as a thank you.

Later that night Varys secretly visits Eddard to tell him of the Lannister plot to assassinate King Bob during the melee. Eddard talks Robert out of participating, but Cersei and her cronies will try again. It’s up to Eddard to save King Bob and take down the evil Lannisters, but he has no idea what to do. Robert continues to be dumb and clueless -- he couldn’t save Jon Arryn and can’t really help Eddard now.

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Tyrion is very unlucky. He’s been hanging out at the freezing cold wall, and on his way back he gets arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. On their way to the Vale, Tyrion repeatedly tries to convince everyone that he was not behind the attempt on Bran. We learn that he would never bet against his family so he couldn’t have won the dagger, and that Littlefinger is a big selfish liar. How to get your dream girl: (1) lose to her future husband in single combat, (2) boast about taking her virginity, and (3) creepily touch her daughter. Bullet-proof plan, Petyr.

The journey is filled with rough terrain, horse eating, and dangerous mountain clans. They are attacked, and Tyrion surprisingly fares quite well in his first battle, probably because he is the perfect height to club a guy in the balls. After they win, Bronn proclaims that Tyrion needs a woman, because there's “nothing like a woman after a man’s been blooded.” Tyrion should totally proposition Cat for a quickie, though for her to agree, she’d have to be super drunk, have amnesia, and pick up a dwarf fetish. No harm in trying though. Will Cat eventually be convinced of Tyrion’s innocence? What’s going to happen to Tyrion once they reach their destination? If I wanted to frame Tyrion, I’d send another assassin, armed with another one of Tyrion’s super recognizable daggers, only this time to the Vale to try to kill Lysa’s son. That’d probably clinch it.

Catelyn • Sansa

2009-06-01T21:20:00.001-07:00

Catelyn and Ser Rod travel north in secret. They are prissy high society folks, so they risk staying at an inn instead of camping by the road. It’s not a five star place, but it’s completely filled due to all the travelers going to King’s Landing for the tournament. The inn has a deafening dinner bell, a shoe polishing kid, and singers that solicit for money. Catelyn and Roddy were inconspicuously minding their own business when Tyrion suddenly walks in. The annoying singer draws his attention, and Tyrion quickly recognizes Cat. Since this is Catelyn’s old neighborhood, everyone knows that she is the daughter of the most important lord in the area. So when she asks for help arresting Tyrion, everyone draws their swords.

I hope Tyrion kept the receipt for that cripple-saddle. He’s very unlucky to have picked this particular inn. Why would he so readily greet Catelyn if he sent the assassin? It seems even more likely that Jaime and Cersei moved against Bran and set up their brother to take the fall. Is Cat really just going to take him back to Winterfell and execute him? Before she does that she should send a raven to Jon Snow with a letter that reads “I arrested your dwarf friend, he’s going on trial for murder. It should have been you.”

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Last time in Sansa’s first chapter, Martin cleverly disguised her inherent boringness by having Arya and Joffrey drive the action. This time, she attends a tournament where dozens of new characters are introduced. At this rate, the third Sansa chapter will be set in the middle of circus, battle, or hurricane. We see all the action at the Hand's Tourney through Sansa's eyes. She observes that the southern knights look better, and they seem to joust better too, as Jory is the only northerner to make it out of the first round. Who cares about jousting anyway? Everyone knows that wolf-raising, midnight ranging, and deserter executing are far more useful skills.

Because Sandor’s burned face and nonchalant murders aren’t scary enough, we meet his brother Gregor, who is armed with even more size, strength, and brutality. He even has a more goon-ish name. Martin should always write his name in caps. GREGOR. Both Cleganes make the final four of the tournament, along with Jaime and the “Knight of Flowers” Loras Tyrell, who gives a red rose to Sansa. She’s instantly smitten by his metrosexual charm, but the moment is ruined by weirdo pedo Littlefinger. He creepily introduces himself and strokes her face, but stops short of asking for a lock of hair or some toenail clippings.

Sansa is happy because Joffrey is nice to her during dinner. Joffrey predicts Loras will lose to Sandor or Jaime, and that when he is old enough he’ll win all the jousts, assuming Arya never enters. At the end of the night, drunk Sandor takes Sansa home, and they share an intimate moment -- if intimate moment actually meant terrifying therapy session. Sandor has some serious issues, but opens up and reveals to his new shrink Sansa that his face was burned by his brother. In a refreshing take on doctor-patient confidentiality, Sandor threatens Sansa with death if she ever reveals what he said.

PS -- can you imagine a Gregor POV? “Sandor take Gregor toy Gregor burn Sandor head.”

Jon • Eddard

2009-05-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

A new recruit suddenly appears in the practice yard. Everyone stops to stare because he's fat and rich. Samwell Tarly is also weak, cowardly, and insecure. His lord father disowned him for being such a huge wuss, and gave him a choice between taking the black and having a hunting accident. Randyll Tarly then calmly ripped the still bleeding heart out of a freshly killed deer. I take back everything I said about Southerners -- sometimes, they can be just as hardcore as the Starks.

Unsurprisingly, Fat Sam sucks at sword fighting. Ser Alliser sees an opportunity to indulge his sexual deviancy and has Halder spank Sam with a sword. Jon steps in to defend Sam, and later forms a pact with the other boys to protect him, much to the dismay of their now flaccid master-at-arms. Jon had taken Donal and Benjen’s advice to heart: Sam may be fat and pathetic, but he is still a member of the watch, and one of the few black brothers who isn't a rapist or thief.* At the end of the chapter, Jon wonders where his missing uncle went. My guess would be Benjen is busy helping Waymar reanimate dead wildlings.

* out of context, this sounds ridiculously racist

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The big tournament brings many knights and whores to King's Landing. With them comes crime, conflict, and an appealing array of new smells. But it’s not all wasted money, as the Super Bowl-like atmosphere stimulates not only the whores but the entire economy of the city. Eddard doesn't like tourneys or brothels -- he would much rather execute deserters or stand solemnly in the cold. Maybe King Bob should reconsider his choice for the Hand position, because Ned isn't doing so well. Here’s a list of job titles, can you guess the ones that are well-suited for Eddard Stark? 1) High school principal, 2) prison warden, 3) late night talk show host, 4) pimp, 5) Hand of the King.

Eddard is investigating Jon Arryn’s death, which leads him to a blacksmith’s apprentice named Gendry. Eddard discovers that this boy is King Bob’s bastard son. “Gentry” means highborn or aristocrat, and while Martin probably chuckled at the wordplay, even Robert wouldn’t be so stupid when naming his secret kid. So Lord Arryn was about to discover and probably reveal that King Bob wasn’t faithful to Cersei, and the Lannisters whacked him before he could? Eddard’s thick, manly eyebrows furrow as he attempts to parse through all the mystery and political intrigue.

Bran • Eddard

2009-05-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

Bran whines a lot, but it’s justified because he can’t walk. When will he not be entitled to complain anymore? According to the Eventual Mitigation of Severe Tragedy Formula Union (EMOSTFU), the grace period for a tragic event is equal to twice the amount of time you lived without the tragedy. Thus, in Bran’s case, it's two times however long he possessed the ability to walk. Assuming all Stark children could walk the instant they were born, Bran can whine until he’s at least twenty-one. That's a long time. Crap.

He’s also a jerk to Old Nan, which is definitely not justified. She’s just trying to help and advise him by telling him about the Others. Thus far, 100% of people who have ignored wise old advice have been turned to zombies, so Bran should really pay attention. Instead, he's interrupted by Tyrion’s arrival. Despite Tyrion’s handicapped saddle gift, the direwolves still hate him. Gee, I wonder why. Tyrion is lucky that Bran doesn’t remember who pushed him, or else he wouldn’t leave Winterfell alive.

At the end of the chapter, Robb and Bran share an intimate, non-homosexual non-incest moment, showing that their parents’ absence is taking its toll on all of them. Come on guys, get a grip. Starks don’t cry. Besides, this is the north, where tears freeze before they reach your beard.

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Eddard is investigating the circumstances of Lord Arryn’s death. Why did Cersei want him dead? Is the Grand Maester in on it? These questions are far too nuanced and complex. Eddard, with all his duty, honor, and hard work, is built more for straightforward problem solving. He’s a firefighter, not a detective, whereas Littlefinger is an investment banker, Robert a washed up football player, Cersei a trophy wife, Varys a CIA director, Pycelle an elite French chess player, and Joffrey the spoiled rich kid who will one day get his comeuppance.

Eddard sees Arya practicing hard at “dancing” before he’s summoned by Littlefinger, who leaks to him the identities of several informants who keep tabs on him. It’s like Eddard is peering down the rabbit hole of King’s Landing politics and finally realizing that he is way out of his depth. This place operates on an entirely different set of rules, the most important being “trust no one.” A wise man once said, if you can’t spot the sucker in the first half hour at the council meeting, you are the sucker.

Arya • Daenerys

2009-05-24T01:29:00.000-07:00

Arya is lonely. Her father is stressed and busy with council meetings, her wolf is gone, her butcher boy is in pieces, and her sister blames her for Lady's death. Even if Sansa would talk to her, they have nothing in common. Arya likes sword fighting, horseback riding, and being awesome, while Sansa's interests include sewing, betraying her family, and reinforcing traditional female gender roles. At dinner, Arya loses her appetite, tells her Septa to suck it, and contemplates running away as she hides in her room. Eddard visits her there, and in true Stark parenting style, allows his eight-year-old daughter to keep a deadly weapon. He also signs her up for sword fighting lessons, presumably because he wants Arya to accidentally decapitate the next poor butcher boy she befriends.

Arya’s "dancing" instructor is Syrio Forel, who apparently graduated from Wise Old Master University along with Pai Mei, Yoda, and Mr. Miyagi, because he has the complete repertoire of unorthodox methods, hidden skills, and a strange way of speaking. In her first POV chapter, Arya received a uberspecial sword. This is her second chapter, and she is already on her way to becoming a ruthless preteen killing machine. I see where they are going with this. In chapter three she will gain the power of flight, and chapter four will have her stopping bullets and traveling back in time.

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Dany isn’t having fun. Martin goes into graphic detail about how she rides hard during the day and gets ridden hard at night. It’s so bad that she contemplates suicide, but is stopped by some wacky empowering dragon dream. Soon, she’s beginning to tolerate and even enjoy her new life. As they travel, Dany becomes more confident, more aware of her unique situation, and more like a true Dothraki. The end of the chapter is very significant -- she is symbolically seizing control by becoming the rider instead of the mount. It’s also the first (and hopefully last) time I feel glad that a tiny thirteen-year-old was impregnated through public, animalistic sex with a gigantic horse lord.

Viserys is the exact opposite of his sister, growing more detached and delusional each day. Every time he goes off on one of his crazy wake-the-dragon rants, Ser Jorah and MC Illyrio humor him to his face, but exchange nervous, knowing looks. Amazingly, Viserys thinks it’s completely fine to discipline the Khal’s wife via boob grabbage just as he's done numerous times before. This time though, it’s not the same. This isn’t a king punishing his subject in King’s landing, or an older brother asserting dominance over his younger sister in MC Illyrio’s slave quarters. This is a pathetic pretend dragon offending Drogo's queen. This is a Khalasar crossing the Dothraki Sea, and that means egotistical little punks get choked with whips.

Eddard • Tyrion

2009-05-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Eddard has his first council meeting and learns that the treasury is bankrupt due to Robert's lavish spending, presumably on fatty foods. Afterwards, Littlefinger leads him to a secret rendezvous with Catelyn. Thinking Littlefinger was just stringing him along, Eddard almost punches him, but Ser Rod sans barf beard appears to confirm that Cat was there. Did Eddard really think Littlefinger took him to a secret passage that led outside the castle, then down a rock cliff, then on horseback to a brothel just to set up a one liner "your wife is inside" joke?

Littlefinger delivers zinger after zinger, taking nothing seriously apart from his feelings for Catelyn. He shrugs off the huge royal debt, suggests that Eddard fondle some breasts, and sarcastically golf claps when Eddard first recognizes Catelyn. I was disappointed that Littlefinger didn't ask about Jon, and that Eddard didn't politely request some time alone with Catelyn. Come on dude, it's been a while since you've last seen your wife, and you're already in a brothel. Eddard should have done it just to see look on LF's face.

After hearing Catelyn's story about the assassin and how Bran's wolf saved both their lives, Eddard suddenly realizes that he probably shouldn't have killed Sansa’s wolf. Littlefinger suggests that they just pretend the super recognizable Tyrion knife doesn't exist, but Eddard is too proud and too righteous to forget about something of this magnitude, even if it’s in his own best interest. The Lannisters had enough power and influence in King’s Landing to murder the previous last Hand, so Ned will ultimately hang his hopes on the King. However, Robert is politically inept and disinterested, allowing his council to run the kingdom while he requests another party.
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The Night’s Watch is such a raw deal. You can’t own land, you can't have sex, your brothers are the dregs of society, and the guy training you is Alliser Thorne, an anal, humorless, tool of a man. Predictably, Tyrion mocks him so badly that Thorne is forced to leave the dining hall, much to the delight of the others. After dinner, the Lord Commander pleads with Tyrion to convince the King to send more men. Mormont continues on about abominable snow men sightings, missing uncles, and mountain people fleeing, but Tyrion doesn’t take him seriously. Maintaining the Wall is like paying for asteroid insurance -- it guards against a disaster that happens so infrequently that it’s easy to forget about it or dismiss it. Robert isn’t going to send men and resources when he can't even pay his own debts.

Before Tyrion departs, Jon gives him a few messages to deliver to Robb, Rickon, and Bran. Didn’t Tyrion recently try to whack Bran? It would be supremely stupid to return to Winterfell. Either Tyrion thinks the Starks don’t know it was him, or Jaime and Cersei acted without his knowledge.

Catelyn • Jon

2009-05-18T21:28:00.001-07:00

Usually knights are shiny and chivalrous, but in Martin's universe, they shave their beards because of accumulated seasickness barf. Ser Rodrik seems like the perfect bodyguard who takes many precautions to keep Catelyn safe on their journey to King's Landing, but then you remember that just a few chapters ago he didn't think of posting a guard outside Bran's room. Come on Rod, you're better than that.

When Catelyn finally arrives at the city, she is greeted by her childhood friend Littlefinger, who has overcome several social disadvantages to climb quite high on the political ladder. Though he still harbors unrequited feelings for Catelyn, his personal history and his obvious Napoleon complex gives him plenty of reasons to dislike the Starks. Where Littlefinger is mysterious and clever, Varys is deceptive and scary. He's the Westeros KGB. He has an almost child-like demeanor, but the one asset he possesses --information -- is so important to everyone that he could be more powerful than the King. This contrasts quite sharply with Vary’s very fragile, very dickless exterior.

Varys knows that Bran is in a coma and that Catelyn is in King’s Landing. Varys knows exactly when she arrived and where she is hiding. Varys knows why she carries a dagger and that it originally belonged to Tyrion. Varys knows what you are thinking before you do. Varys knows you know he knows. He knows you know he knows you know. Varys was on the grassy knoll with Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot, watching the final episode of Lost which explains everything. Varys knows when A Dance with Dragons will be released. Varys knows, he just knows.

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Jon whines some more about his bastardness, about Benjen, and about Alliser Thorne. He whines about Night’s Watch comrades and that it's cold near the Wall. Never mind that it was his choice to come here despite his uncle’s warning. Jon has had it so rough growing up with kickass royal siblings in a giant castle with a Lord as a father. Jon must feel so misunderstood and alone despite his supremely loyal supernatural pet direwolf who is unconditionally devoted to him. Poor Jon Snow. It's amazing he has endured such a hard life.

The sons of famers and miners are no match for Jon’s combination of sword skills and emo rage. Before Jon makes too many enemies, Donal Noye verbally beats the pretentious emoness right out of him. Jon starts to realize that when the snow hits the fan, it won't matter if your mother was a whore or if you can beat down some big kid named Grenn. Jon bonds with Tyrion some more while a bird arrives from Winterfell. Tyrion incorrectly assumes that his super expensive and recognizable dagger man succeeded in whacking Bran, but it’s actually news that Bran woke up. Jon is so happy that he extends an olive branch to Grenn. When Thorne makes fun of them, Jon fires back with his “I’d love to see Ghost juggle” zinger. Alliser is not amused, probably because he didn't get the joke. It's funny because wolves normally can’t juggle.

Eddard • Bran

2009-05-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said, "thou shalt not lie, for the Queen shall kill thy pet direwolf." Perverse karmic justice is served when Lady is executed as a direct result of Sansa’s actions. The significance is obvious: Sansa ceased being a Stark in spirit when she chose Joffrey over her family, and her symbolic connection with "northness" was fully severed with Lady's death. If Arya-vs-Joffrey was a character test for Sansa, she failed in every way possible way. She betrayed her sister, lied to her father, and upset her future husband and family. Even though she did Joffrey a favor by lying, all she received in return was her innocent wolf’s corpse.

After you strip away all the royal titles and family pride, this was just kids getting into a stupid fight and receiving with a few scars and bruises. It's not like Arya pushed Joffrey off a window ledge or sent an assassin to kill him in his sleep. Despite this, Robert lets Cersei have her way because he was too cowardly and lazy to argue with her. Even though Robert is king, his life still sucks tremendously. He’s in love with a dead girl, his son is a wuss and a jackass, and his wife would rather sleep with her brother. Also, supernatural ghost men invade from the north and the Scorpion King raises an army across the sea. Lastly, he’s become embarrassingly overweight. Robert’s going to be the first king who commits suicide out of depression.

I have two final thoughts about this chapter. First, the Hound is a pretty badass cowboy with his “he ran, but not very fast” line. Second, I can't believe Martin killed off one of the direwolves so early in the book, because I felt very attached to them already. When it was revealed that Mycah was in the body bag and not Nymeria, I was relieved and happy. Repeat: I was happy that an innocent child was murdered instead of a guilty pet wolf.

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I spent an inordinate amount of time and words on that last chapter because there’s hardly anything to say about the next one because it's six pages of Bran tripping out on LSD, where he converses with a three-eyed crow and possesses the power of flight. Then he wakes up names his wolf “Summer,” when “Fall” is clearly the more appropriate name, as it signals winter is coming and conveniently summarizes why he’s crippled.

Catelyn • Sansa

2009-05-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Catelyn is spending all her time in Bran’s room and fears that he might die at any moment. Her absence has taken its toll on Robb and Rickon. I understand her concern, but ignoring the mental health of her other children is more irresponsible than leaving Bran’s side. She can’t control his condition, so there's no need to be there. However, her irrationality saves Bran's life, because the Lannisters send an assassin to kill him. Catelyn slows the guy down long enough for Bran’s wolf to take him out. I thought the direwolves were still pups, but apparently they are strong enough now to rip out throats. The Starks are starting to see that the direwolves are special, but I wonder if Catelyn realizes that in this analogy, she's the big dead mom wolf in the snow with an antler in her throat. The traumatic event shocked Catelyn back to her senses, and now she's headed to King's Landing in search of the truth.

It was dumb of Jaime to give his goon a super expensive identifiable knife -- he might as well have written "rich people want coma boy silenced" in big neon lights. It's not surprising that Jaime or Cersei would try something so reckless and stupid. They call Jaime the "Kingslayer" but so far he's failed twice at killing a helpless seven-year-old boy. What happens when he has something difficult to kill?
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Sansa gets her own chapter! I know that Eddard and Catelyn need to have their own chapters to narrate events through adult eyes in the middle of the main storylines, but I'm not sure if a Sansa POV would be interesting or necessary. Thus far she seems like the typical highborn girl, and her boringness is emphasized even more by how different Arya acts. Sansa is obsessed with Joffrey, looks down on Jon, and is embarrassed by Arya. You can't really blame her, because young girls brought up in such an environment typically only care about boys and social status. Even though this chapter is told through Sansa, Arya is the one who drives the action. I thought it was ironic that Sansa actually asked Catelyn if Arya was a bastard, because it really should be the other way around. Sansa is the only Stark child who doesn't act like a Stark.

Sansa is so excited about her date with Joffrey that it makes her completely change her viewpoint on horseback riding. Joffrey initially is very chivalrous, protecting her from the Hound and that scary Payne guy, but when they encounter Arya sparring with a peasant friend, Joffrey turns into a pompous jerk. One thing leads to another and Arya hilariously beats him up with Nymeria's help. Afterward, Sansa is horrified and tries to comfort the injured prince, but he's not having it. Sansa's dream of being a queen in a big castle is crumbling right before her eyes.

Eddard • Tyrion

2009-05-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

If I needed someone to throw a bachelor party, Khal Drogo would be my first choice, Tyrion Lannister second, and Eddard Stark dead last. Robert is having his midlife crisis -- he just wants to bang a tavern wench or assassinate a dragon, and Eddard keeps shooting him down. Snow and hardship made Lord Stark stoic and wise, but it also turned him into a wet blanket. If Robert wants to kill kids, let him. In Martin’s world, kids are treated like adults -- Jon gave a kid a sword, Drogo married one, and Jaime pushed one off a ledge.

Eddard disagrees with a lot of what Robert says and does, and would rather be back in Winterfell. Instead, he’s trudging south with a caravan composed of people he can’t trust and a King who won’t listen. It sucks, but it could be worse -- at least he’s not Jon Arryn.
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Tyrion suffers through the bone chilling trip to the Wall, and stops to read about dragonbone. I had thought Viserys and Dany were calling themselves “dragons” metaphorically -- I didn't know that dragons actually existed. Perhaps my surprise was a result of the distinct lack of wizards and magic so far in these books. Sure there are mythical creatures, like the Others or the direwolves, but a flying, fire-breathing dragon seems out of place right now in the universe Martin has created. Usually, most fantasy stories have some sort of wizard throwing lightning bolts by now.

Tyrion and Jon bond some more. I like that Martin wrote these two with such noticeable, important flaws. Every character has flaws, but unlike Robert who can stop eating cupcakes or Cersei who can stop doing her brother, Tyrion and Jon cannot choose to stop being a dwarf or a bastard. Tyrion chose to go north, and he seems far more like a Stark than a Lannister. He and Sansa should just switch families.

Jon • Daenerys

2009-05-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

I was very curious to see how Lady Stark would treat the living symbol of Eddard’s infidelity. The contrast between the warmth and care she showed toward her trueborn children and the coldness toward Jon was huge. I was already wincing when she brushed off Jon’s consoling words about Bran, but her “It should have been you” is up there on the harshness rank. She’s essentially telling a young kid with emotional problems “I wish you were dead.” I realize Catelyn is hysterical because her son is in a coma, but did she know Jon was two blog posts and a bad dwarf convo away from slitting his wrists the other night when Benjen half-rejected him? Then again, Catelyn probably doesn’t care whether Jon is on the Night’s Watch or suicide watch, as long as he’s gone.

When Jon told Arya that he had something special to give her and to close the door, I was afraid that the present was more incest, but thankfully Martin has maxed out on that at this point in the book. Jon gets +10 cool points for giving his little sister a gift that she truly loves, but imagine Eddard's or Catelyn’s reaction if Arya accidentally cuts off her hand or decapitates Sansa. It's refreshing and enjoyable whenever Jon and Arya interact, so I'm disappointed that they are parting.
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Viserys acts like spoiled, powerful prince, but in reality he’s a pathetic kid who sold the only family he has for a hollow chance at conquest. I find it hard to believe that Drogo and his khalasar would risk so much to fight for him. Even if they did, there’s no guarantee of success -- it's not like the castles in Westeros are going to just roll over. The way Viserys acts and the brutal traditions of the Dothraki don’t seem to mesh well. Less “the dragon commands!” and more “please Mr. Drogo sir” would be wise, but I don't see that happening until someone decides to slap the ego out of him.

Dany is dreading her wedding night. It’s understandable, as Drogo is a very large man and she is barely a teenager. We can all do the anatomical math. When the dreaded consummation finally arrives, Drogo is surprisingly gentle and caring, and suddenly the entire marriage seems like a good idea for all parties involved. Who would have guessed that a wedding with twelve deaths and several rapes would end happily with consensual, romantic, post marital sex? As for the underagedness, I’m just going to assume thirteen in dragon years equals eighteen or twenty-one in our century.

Bran • Tyrion

2009-05-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

Bran hasn't named his wolf yet, and is having second thoughts about going south. He aspires to one day join the Kingsguard -- the Westeros version of the Secret Service. He does his best spiderman impression on Winterfell's walls and overhears a revealing conversation between the queen and her twin brother. Cersei is very paranoid of Ned and his motivations now that he's accepted the Hand position, especially considering Lysa's murder accusations. Then, as if to outdo Viserys and Dany, Cersei and Jaime have some good old fashioned twincest while seven-year-old Bran voyeuristically watches their "wrestling match" from the window. Upon discovery, Bran almost falls, but Jaime saves him, only to shove him off the ledge again.

My reaction, after the initial "WTF did that just happen?" was to hope that Bran's wolf ran under him and softened the impact. Thankfully, Martin does not believe in such ridiculous cop outs, because Bran survived the fall and is in a coma. I never flip forward in books to find out what happened, but I confess I did so here, just to see if there was another Bran chapter. If I didn't, I would constantly wonder if he was dead for another hundred pages. If Bran ever wakes up and explains what happened, there will a lot of people angry with the Lannisters. Thus far, Jaime hasn't been a very good Kingsguard, considering he's screwing the King's wife and tried to kill the Hand's son.

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I think it's awesome that Tyrion gets his own POV. Readers rarely get the villain's side of the story, especially one as likable as Tyrion. His disciplining of Joffrey was interesting; Tyrion may not have genuine concern for Bran, but he clearly understands the politics of the situation. What I learned from this chapter was that all Lannisters are not created equal: Tommen and Tyrion differ greatly from Joffrey and Jaime.

In addition to being a dwarf, Tyrion seems to be far more intelligent and perceptive than the other Lannisters. I wonder if he knows about his siblings' incest, especially since Jaime seems so careless. Royal adultery with your sister the queen while right under the King's nose is stupid, but pushing a Lord's son out the window is even stupider. Also, after observing how Joffrey behaves, Cersei must be a very inept mother. How could these two twin idiots possibly have kept their affair a secret for all this time? I assume this isn't the first time they've secretly had sex. Judging by Robert's reaction to the Lyanna's death earlier, Jaime would not survive if his affair with Cersei was discovered.

If there was any doubt about me finishing this book, these last two chapters erased them -- I can't wait to find out what happens.

Catelyn • Arya

2009-05-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

Catelyn has her own personal spa in Winterfell's hot springs, but Eddard rarely joins her because he is the personification of winter, right down to his business-like performance in bed. We learn a bit about Lord Stark''s history and why he's so serious: it's hard to smile when your sister, father, and brother are all dead before their time. Ned sounds like he really needs a vacation. He needs to enjoy his southern hottie wife and badass children, especially after a long day's work of executing deserters and refraining from laughing.

Via secret letter, we learn that Queen Lannister murdered Jon Arryn. I had to look up who this guy was in the appendix*. Lord Arryn was the former King's Hand, and thus his death is why King Bob came north to offer the position to Ned. To get to the bottom of the murder, Ned decides to accept the King's offer. Eddard also decrees that Catelyn must stay in the north. How many Jon and Jane Snows will he bring back with him this time? His affair makes sense though, because someone who is so intense and emotionless all the time must be prone to sudden and major lapses in discipline. Without this flaw, I would have predicted that Martin would soon reveal that Eddard Stark is actually a robot. Ned decides to take his daughters to court, while Robb and Bran stay at Winterfell with Catelyn and Jon Snow goes north to fight Zombie Waymar.

Lastly, we learn that Catelyn hates Jon Snow, and it's hard to blame her. Jon is a constant symbol of her husband's unfaithfulness, he's got an annoying matyr complex, and he makes friends with ugly Lannisters while getting drunk at Winterfell social events.

* I laughed out loud when I saw that the Arryn motto is "as high as honor" and they have a bastard girl named "Mya Stoned".
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Arya's chapter is easily my favorite so far. Her personality is perceptive and hilarious, delivering several quality zingers throughout the chapter. She has some serious Ashlee Simpson-esque jealousy going on, but only because she is too young to see that her skills in math and horseback riding are far more awesome than Sansa's dancing, singing, and sewing. She named her wolf appropriately (Sansa named a wolf "Lady", what the hell), she treats Jon with respect, and she wants to go fight with the boys. I can't think of anything I dislike about her.

We also learn that Prince Joffrey predictably sucks at swordfighting and that he and his men are huge assholes. This doesn't bode well for Sansa, but it could be worse -- at least he isn't a gigantic Khal three times her age or an over-the-hill King who is still in love with a dead girl. Ned and Catelyn seem to have the only healthy, loving relationship, and even theirs is characterized by duty and adultery.

Eddard • Jon

2009-05-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

We finally learn the significance of the antler-in-wolf from the first Bran chapter: the stag is the symbol of the King's house. Ruh roh, scary foreshadowing detected. In this chapter, Bob Baratheon finally arrives. He has let himself go a bit, and I don't blame him. If I had just won a kingdom I'd take it easy too. We learn a bit more about geography: Eddard's lands are huge, scarcely populated, and largely inhospitable. King Bob raves about the south, where it's girls gone wild fat drunk party 24/7 and there's a distinct lack of executions, frostbite, and undead ghosts.

Bob makes a beeline for Winterfell's #1 attraction: the crypts, where the love of his life is buried. Lyanna must have been smoking hot, because Bob won a kingdom for her and still pays his respects after nine long years. If only she was alive! Bob should just get one of those Others to "Waymar" her, problem solved. Robert ends up offering Ned the Vice King position, sealed by marriage between their kids. The last time Stark and Baratheon got married, the guy in power was overthrown, so maybe he should reconsider.

Despite the antler-in-wolf sign and the dead ancestor foreboding, I assume Ned accepts the position, because if he doesn't, the plot stops and the book ends. 700 pages left means the Starks are going south. Warm weather and naked chicks here we come! Wooo spring break!
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The next chapter opens with Jon Snow drinking away his problems. Predictably, the bastard does not like the pretentious royal Lannister kids. We learn that his direwolf Ghost is awesome, and that Jon wants to join the Night's Watch. Uncle Benjen tells him that with great power comes great responsibility -- the responsibility of not having sex, not owning lands, and fighting supernatural monsters. But Jon doesn't want to father bastards, and emo rages his way out of the hall.

Outside, he meets Lannister dwarf and Cirque du Soleil acrobat Tyrion, who makes some witty quips and gives him advice. Hopefully he gets Jon to stop taking his heredity so seriously, because nobody likes whiners. It's cool that Martin isn't making the Lannisters out to be wholly evil. I actually really like Tyrion -- his line about Jon's mother being "some woman, no doubt" was great.

Cateyln • Daenerys

2009-05-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Catelyn is Eddard's wife, who used to live in a nice warm castle in the South where there were happy girly gardens. Instead, she married into a household where it snows during the summer and her backyard is straight out of Pan's Labyrinth. More Stark badassery: when Catelyn talks about how their three year old is fearful of his new wolf pet, and Eddard responds "then he must learn to face his fears." Apparently, the Starks are training Rickon to be Batman. Arya and Sansa are Eddard's daughters, and even though Jon mentioned they existed in the Bran chapter, I was still half expecting Martin to tell me in true Chuck Norris fact fashion that the Starks have no daughters, only sons.

We find out that the Other sighting is kind of a big deal, as they have never been seen for 8,000 years*. It could be a "those who see them are already dead" kind of deal, but Gared got away just fine, and could have told the story. Maybe nobody believed him. As for the rest of the chapter, I had a hard time focusing because there were simply too many names being thrown around. We learn that an old Lord who saved Eddard's life is dead, and his widow is Catelyn's sister. Also, King Robert is coming and he's bringing his Lannister in-laws, who are cowardly and come from the south (read: wussiness^2).

* 8,000 years? Really? Right now we're on year 2009 and we have the Internet and space shuttles while poor King Robert travels by covered wagon.
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I was terribly confused at the beginning of the next chapter. My first thought was that Dany was a Lannister, since she was described as a princess. Instead, she and her brother are far away in never never land, a place where it's okay to grab your underaged sister's boob and refer to yourself as a dragon. Viserys has decided, in his Dr. Evil-esque plot to conquer the world, to not marry his sister, instead choosing to sell her off to a guy who may or may not have a taste for "boys, horses, and sheep". Dany is predictably terrified when meeting this Khal Drogo, who I assume looks exactly like the Rock in The Scorpion King. Can you smell what the Khal is cooking? Statutory rape of your 13-year-old wife! Viserys wants his army though, and has no problems letting between one and forty thousand guys use his sister. Congratulations Martin, three chapters in and I already see why your series can only be made on HBO.

PS - Magister Illyrio has one of the best gangster (or rapper) names ever, and he's already in the business of human trafficking.

Prologue • Bran

2009-05-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

You're the new guy, and you've just traveled to a harsh, inhospitable climate to serve on a wall, probably because there are things the wall needs to keep out. Scary things. Things that require this wall to be capitalized "Wall". Things like invincible sadistic ghost-people with unbreakable swords and resurrection powers. Your name "Waymar" ranks among the most non-threatening nerd names ever, on the level of "Milton" and "Poindexter". Yet despite all this, you choose to ignore every piece of advice the clearly more experienced men give you.

I was not surprised when Martin killed off the Royce. He was arrogant in a very annoying way, and committed the cardinal sin of ignoring the wise old guy. Always heed the wise old guy (unless you're six and he's asking you to get in his van). However, I was surprised when Will died too. We were following along through his point of view, so his death set quite an ominous tone for the rest of the book. As for Gared, I presume he peaced out with the horses as soon as he heard the fight.

What exactly is a wildling? I went on Wikipedia and shut the window instantly, because it seemed packed with spoilers. I still don't know for sure. I'm going to assume that it's a wild person or outlaw, just like I assume "Ser" actually means "Sir" and "Maester" means "Master". That or Dr. Aemon is actually Korean.
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After Will's untimely death at the hands of zombie Waymar, we come to the first official chapter, written from the point of view of Bran Stark, son of a Lord. I assume that executee is Gared from the prologue, because there can't be that many earless deserters running around. After the execution, upon discovering the wolf, why was the party so scared of the antler? A giant wolf just gave birth while dead and the antler is what makes them uneasy? Also, this chapter confirmed that Waymar's "for Robert!" was actually a tribute to his king and not, as I presumed, one last shout out to his gay lover back home at Royce Manor.

Things I've learned about the Starks: they name their swords, live in a place where it snows during the summer, and attend their first executions at age seven. I get it George, they are total badasses. When I was seven my parents wouldn't let me cross the street, let alone keep a giant wolf as a pet. Other things I've learned: Theon is an asshole, Jon the bastard has superhuman hearing, and Lord Stark has no executioner on the payroll.

Great chapters so far. I'm very intrigued and I want to read more.

Introduction

2009-05-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

A friend introduced me to Martin after I expressed interest in the possible HBO series. I've never seen someone push a book onto me with such enthusiasm. I don't read much fantasy or sci-fi, but I did enjoy Lord of the Rings and Ender's Game. I am one of the few that has not yet read Harry Potter. I tried, I really did. The movies are good entertainment, but it was very hard for me to take those books seriously -- I felt a bit too old when reading them (I'm 25). From what I hear, Martin's series is the opposite of that, so I'm excited to read a book with more adultish, serious themes.

I have yet to read one chapter of Game of Thrones, but my friend encouraged me write about the experience. I thought that was a great idea, and much easier than being constantly pestered with "did you read any of it yet?" comments every day. She mentioned another blog (which coincidentally shared the same title as mine) whose writers stopped halfway through, so she made me promise that I would finish all of the books. I can't promise that, but if I make it through the first book, I am probably in it for the long haul.

My plan is to read one book per month or so and blog about the chapters I read. There's no guarantee that I stay on schedule or even finish, but a loose plan is better than no plan. I've done my best to stay away from spoilers, so please don't spoil anything for me. I will also rank my favorite characters and favorite quotes as the books progress. Hopefully this blog will be a great source of entertainment for fans of the series and will be a great memory for me if I finish this series.