Daenerys • Jon

I wish there was a fast forward button so we could see Dany's dragons fully grown and kicking ass. It's like Dany has three winning lottery tickets, but she has to walk through a minefield to collect her money. Her measly band of khalasar leftovers drop like flies every day, following the red comet to Asshair. Dany wonders to herself if she went through the entire ordeal in Game just to die from heat exhaustion in the desert. Don't worry girl, writers generally don't kill off their main characters who they spent an entire book developing. Well actually, Dany isn't indispensable, but her dragons are. That would be a cool twist, if Dany died right here. The next POV would be "Drogon" and we would get 15 pages of "hiss meatttt hiss hiss." Instead, Dany and her followers find an abandoned city with figs and water. They're saved!

Jorah tells Dany about his relationship history. He clearly wants to sex up Dany so badly right now. And there's no better way to charm a princess than to tell her that your wife was so unhappy she left you to become the merchant concubine. I'll paraphrase the story. Basically, Jorah was a B-student who received a full ride scholarship at Bear Island Community College. But the day of the college entrance exams, he luckboxed a perfect score. Because of this fluke performance, he got into Lynesse University, the Harvard of Westeros. Tuition was $50,000 a year, but Jorah still went because DAMN that school had a hot young student body. Halfway through his second semester, Jorah flunked out and couldn't pay his student loans, so now he is wifeless and exiled. I suppose he had a chance to get in Dany's pants by playing the Sean Connery-esque suave mature older guy role, strutting around with his manly beard and repeatedly telling the khalasar "stay thirsty, my friends." But after the Lynesse story, and the creepy "she looked like you," Jorah's chances with Dany are as dead as Drogo.

The next morning, Dany decides to send out three riders to scout out the land around her. Two come back with nothing, but the third returned with three visitors from the city of Qarth -- a warlock, a merchant, and Quaithe "of the Shadow," whatever that means.

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Jon, Sam, and many more Night's Watchmen (including one guy named "Smallwood," haha) travel north to find Benjen. They find deserted villages, skeletal remains, and creepy giant trees. LC Mormont wonders why wildlings burn their dead. Really? Did you not get attacked by a zombie a few weeks ago in your bedroom? The one Jon had to burn to kill? Remember?? Old Mormont is becoming senile. Anyway, the NW rangers grow restless and uneasy after finding every town deserted. The LC isn't scared though, because they have over three hundred men, and thus they can easily deal with supernatural ghosts who can raise the dead. The only guy who isn't growing more scared is Sam, because he already max out his scared-ness the instant they stepped outside Castle Black.